Slipping - The story of Azula

Chapter 3 - You're not crazy, Azula

During the following weeks, Azula felt defeated, alone, and trapped in her own mind. She couldn't admit the realization that her mother's voice was a manifestation of her own trauma, and it kept returning to torment her. The memories of her mother's absence and cruelty haunted her, and she couldn't escape her own thoughts no matter how hard she tried. "What if I am crazy?"

The room felt cold and empty as Azula was left alone with her despairing thoughts. She was still confined by her straitjacket, unable to move or escape. Suddenly, her mother's voice echoed through the room once more.

"Do you really think you're crazy, Azula?" Ursa's voice was gentle and soft-spoken, almost like a mother soothing a crying child. The words cut through Azula's heart, and she was unable to form any words to respond.

Azula wanted to scream and thrash around to deny her mother's words, but she couldn't bring herself to do any of those things. "I-I don't know..." She was lost in her own mind, unsure of what to believe or do. Her mother's voice became louder in her head, filling Azula with shame and despair.

"Oh, my dear Azula..." Her voice was like the voice of a mother she had longed for all her life. This time, Azula could not block out her tears rolling down her face. Her mother's voice was the only thing that filled her solitude with meaning; However, Azula wished she could make her mother go away, but her voice became louder and louder, almost as if her mother was beside her. "You're not crazy, my dear," Ursa stated, "You're not crazy. Stop looking in the mirror for me and just think."

"No... no." Azula whispered, the tears still rolling down her face. "You're not here. Stop talking... leave me alone." She repeated herself in the hopes that it would make her mother's voice disappear, but the more she repeated herself, the harder the words hit her. Her mother's words had a lasting effect that made her heart twist in pain every time she heard her voice. She wanted more than anything for her mother's kind words to be truthful, but she never believed her mother's heartfelt comments.

The more she thought about her mother's words, the more Azula realized how much her mother's coldness had hurt her. The more Ursa's words echoed around in her mind, the more Azula knew she couldn't go on without her mother's loving approval. As the night continued, Azula felt her breathing becoming short and labored. She felt as if her mother's words were wrapping around her like a boa constrictor, suffocating her with each passing moment.

In the midst of her panic, the hospital door opened; the light peeking through snapped Azula out of her episode.

She looked up quickly, expecting to see her mother standing in the doorway. However, she was sorely disappointed when Zuko walked through the door.

The sight of her brother sent another wave of pain through her heart, but this time she could hardly hold back her tears. She had spent her whole life trying to impress her father and please him, but deep down inside, she had only ever longed for her mother's love and approval. Zuko's presence only emphasized that, him being their mother's favorite, making her feel more alone and desperate than ever before.

Zuko stared concerningly at his sister's fit of sobs, wondering what could have provoked such a great show of weakness in someone as strong and stubborn as his sister. He had never seen Azula so emotional. Her emotions felt real rather than the maniacal temper tantrums she usually threw.

She was unable to stop the tears from falling, her body shuddering with each sob. All she wanted was for her mother to walk through the doorway with a kind word and warm embrace, but she knew her mother would never come to her rescue, only visiting to tease and lie to her.

"Azula?" Zuko said with a tone of concern in his voice. He sat down in a chair next to her bed.

"What do you want with me," Azula said between sobs.