Flight Risk

24 - Steep Rock Cliffs Part 1

With each kilometre we drove from Twin Lakes Beach, I closed off my heart to Caleb. I would have seen the signs if I hadn't been such a wreck from imagining my reunion with Trevor. How smoothly he flirted with me, how he'd look for anything we had in common to connect, and how from the minute we met I became an entertaining anecdote he would tell his 'mates' about. He'd jumped at each opportunity to rescue me, so I'd feel connected to him. Then he'd stuck around for every vulnerable moment, mirroring them with his own, so it seemed like I mattered to him, but without ever letting me in. That was the clearest sign he never meant for this to last.

Even me, evasive as a pygmy seahorse, had let him past my walls because our connection and potential had been real to me. Because I had wanted him around for more than a couple of weeks. He had long-term 'can deal with Audrey's shit' and 'is a kickass and interesting human being' vibes. I swallowed my tears and focused on the road.

My heart and eyes still stung.

How did people do this on the regular? So many fantasized about futures with someone they'd just met, hung out with here and there, or gone on a few dates with. I would never want to be this crushed that often. Yet the high of dreaming of connecting with him and imagining a future with him... that was almost as good as going on a dive and seeing all the big-ticket marine life.

It's over, Auds. Let it swim away.

With everything I'd said about running from relationships, fearing commitment, I'd painted myself as the perfect candidate for a short-term relationship. So I couldn't hate Caleb. He saw an opportunity to distract himself from whatever he was going through with someone he thought he wouldn't hurt and took it. I had done the same thing by agreeing to it to avoid dealing with my guilt over Trevor.

All that remained was to see if I could ice my heart enough to get through this trip and have a little fun as his local yet not-so-local fling. Kissing under the Northern lights or having someone to snuggle up to as we marvelled at a polar bear was still nice, even if it had an expiry date.

But empty.

I stopped myself from sighing.

The sign for the town of Lundar appeared, and as we grew nearer to today's final destination, I slowed down and pulled into the parking lot for the giant goose statue. Caleb's stare burned into me like the summer sun.

"Audrey, we don't have to stop, if—"

"You're here for the Canadian experience. Doesn't get more Canadian than a larger-than-life Canada goose, does it?" My smile felt like dry plaster, but I wouldn't let it crumble.

His eyes remained on me as if examining me for cracks. However, I was done being that mess of a woman who fell apart in front of people. I was strong, and I'd been putting myself back together alone as long as I remembered. I didn't need anyone else to do it for me.

After parking the car, we wandered to the giant goose, who had to be almost twenty feet high, resting atop a cement pyramid in mid-flight. It seemed cruel to trap it here, partly escaped with the promise of the sky but impeded by the tether of the earth. But I suppose that was the fate dreamers, reaching for the unattainable yet bound to reality.

I took Caleb's photo, though his smile wasn't what it had been earlier in the trip.

He approached me, hesitantly meeting my eye. "Can I say what I should have said on the beach?"

Was that shyness due to regret? Was he changing his mind?

Before my heart got too excited, I reminded myself, Caleb was a nice guy who felt guilty and was attempting to console me. He'd done it since we met. It didn't mean he wanted anything long-term.