heroine (taylor swift and travis kelce)

that was the worst part

Taylor had the whole month to herself. September was her month, she was sure of it. She was meeting Travis's family for the first time - they were having a barbecue in a couple of days. Travis said his Mom always liked to say goodbye to summer by having a barbecue on the last warm day of the season - before the football season properly started, before they were all far too busy. She was nervous to meet them - even though she had no reason to be. Travis hadn't pressured her to meet them, it had been her idea. She was excited to meet the people in his family - particularly before she spent a lot of time on the sidelines watching him play football this season.

But for now, she was in her New York apartment. Travis wasn't with her - she'd be seeing him when he picked her up from the airport. She missed him when he wasn't around. Still, he phoned her every night even though he was busy - and there was always a text waiting for her when she woke up in the morning.

Taylor was sitting at the piano, forcing herself to voice record the song she'd written over the past week. Jen had told her that it was a good idea to write about how Joe had made her feel, and she'd done just that. She'd sent a text to Jack, telling him she was working on something. A song that she didn't know if she'd ever release. Right now, it was still far too personal. Right now, it still hurt too much. But she knew that if she was feeling these things... there were thousands of others out there who were feeling them too. Which motivated her to write it, and consider maybe using it on an album.

He'd asked her to send him a voice memo, and initially, Taylor hadn't felt ready yet. She loved Jack. She knew he knew how she'd been struggling lately. She might not have told him why - he probably assumed it was all Joe and wondered why she'd not written anything about him until now.
"Hey... so... um," her voice croaked. She'd been sitting here all day and she'd just finished crying. What better time to record a demo of the song than now? "This is... kind of an abnormal structure but I think it could be really cool this way."
She flexed her fingertips in preparation for it - was she ready to share it? She supposed she could just never send it, could just pretend she hadn't had time to send it or record it.
"And... just - it sounds sad because it's on piano - and um... I'm sad in general, but... um, it's gotta have like a driving synth beat or whatever." She hoped he'd understand. That lyrically, the song was emotive and tragic. But that's not how she wanted the backing track to sound. That maybe it wouldn't seem so personal if the backing track was fun and almost... happy.
Taylor sighed, sniffing. She hadn't sent Jack that much over the last few months. A couple of lyrics here and there - but nothing she was one hundred percent happy with. Nothing she was prepared to have on an album.

"Oh, here we go again,
the voices in his head
ring out louder than our midnight sighs
the sickest army doll
purchased at the mall
rivulets descend my plastic smile."

Taylor's eyes started watering, as they often did when she sung about Joe. It wasn't even necessarily sadness that she was feeling about Joe - but more... sadness at the version of herself she'd lost to him. Six years of her life had left her tainted, she'd never be shiny and new. She'd never be that pretty barbie that everyone loves ever again. She was weird barbie now. Broken barbie. Depressed barbie. Suicidal barbie. Traumatised barbie. Her skin wasn't perfect, someone had drown across her in black ink, staining it. And she'd never let herself grieve it. Like Matty had stained her life in red wine, Joe had stained it with black ink. She was an artwork of distorted messes, and she didn't know what to make of that. Travis loved her for the mess, despite the mess. But she knew she had to... heal and deal with the shit going on inside her head. She had to get this all out, because she'd inevitably explode. Perhaps not now, or tomorrow, or next week... but it would all come out in the wash if she didn't deal with it. That's what Jen had told her.