Ancilla's Awards and Reviews

INTERVIEW: Cupid Covets (rough draft)

This is the rough draft of the interview The Crimson Dominion conducted with me via Instagram today. It may need to be edited down to something manageable, because I am not good at keeping things short, as any reader who has read Ancilla is, of course, well aware. I'm parking it here for now because I wanted to remember it in a form that was easier to read than a linked series of Instagram instant messages.

I originally (mistakenly) classified this as an interview won as a prize for the Brumous awards. That was me being an air-headed ditz again. 

INTERVIEW FOR CUPID COVETS

Hi, I write under the pen name Sera Maddox Drake - just call me Sera. I'm a genderfluid, queer writer with too many letters of the alphabet in my sexual orientation and gender identity to fit in anybody's QUILTBAG. Ancilla is my debut novel as an author, and it was a labor of love.

1. Can you walk us through your writing process for the award-winning book? What initially inspired you to tell this story?

When I first started writing Ancilla in 2013 (yes, that was eleven years ago) the only thought I had in mind was to write something that was better than the Fifty Shades books that were selling millions of copies at that time. The writing quality in them is dreadful, as anyone who has slogged through even one of them knows. (I forced myself to read all three books in the first Fifty Shades trilogy, because I consider it hypocritical to savage any work I have not read. I have not bothered to read the two books that were written from Christian Grey's perspective, although I've heard they're even worse than the three that were written from Anastasia Steele's point of view. I'm not sure how that's possible).

It seemed to me that the only reason the Fifty Shades books took off was that they were one-handed reading material written for women. At that time, there wasn't much literary erotica available on the market. From what I've read, the Fifty Shades books started out as Twilight fanfic, until E L James decided to self-publish them on a vanity site called Coffeehouse Press, and the only reason she got a contract with a Big 5 publisher was that she had a massive fan base from fanfic and from her self-promotion on Goodreads that the publisher was salivating over.

A fan base she surely never would have had if there was more and better literary erotica in print, I thought, so let's do something about that.

Time to get to work.

The rough draft started as a series of short stories and love letters that I wrote to a woman named Brigianna S., who was my long-distance girlfriend/sub at the time. While stitching them together into a themed book, I got an idea for a plot outline for a book, something that would trace the life and the erotic and mystical development of the book's heroine from her youth until her dying breath.

The "book" wound up being a trilogy. Once I started writing, I realized it would be best thematically and structurally to split the action into three sections. The sections are individually structured on esoteric mysticism and on different types of love that C S Lewis delineates in his treatise The Four Loves.

The first novel, Ancilla, which has its title derived from the label my protagonist's mentor gives her for the duration of her apprenticeship, would have its chapters determined by the sephiroth on the Kabbalistic Tree of Life, as interpreted by the Ordo Temple Orientis (Thelema) and would focus on the protagonist's early studies. She would be taking a mostly submissive role in that section, appropriate for a student. The book focuses heavily on romantic love - that form of love C S Lewis calls eros.

The second novel, Soror Mystica, would be structured on the alchemical process, take place at the University of Oxford, where my protagonist gets her doctoral degree (I did graduate study there, myself, though only at the master's level, and I fell in love with the town - I think it would make a great setting for a novel) and introduce a girlfriend based on Brigianna, who I promised to write into the story. A couple of other characters get developed as well - "zed," a man who becomes my protagonist's long-term submissive and is attached to her for decades, and "Philo," a man who becomes my protagonist's best friend and one of "zed's" other partners. There is a strong focus in Soror Mystica on philia - the love of strong friendship. Not that there isn't any eros in Soror Mystica, but friendship becomes a more important part of my protagonist's life, and that will be reflected in the plot. Friendship is also what holds the polyamorous love dodecahedron of my protagonist's gaming group together (or not - sometimes a friendship falters and things fall apart. There is no drama like "polycule" drama).

The third novel, Adept, would be structured on the bardos of the Tibetan Book of the Dead and focus on my protagonist's life with "zed" and his wife (yes, that means my protagonist winds up being a sister-wife, although not in the way most people envision that role - for my protagonist, it's more about having finally found the family she needs. "Chosen family" is a big deal in this section). It will focus heavily on storge - familial love. Readers who fell in love with "Magister" in the first book will be delighted to know that he comes back in Adept, in a somewhat changed form. He's a lot less jealous in Adept than he was in Ancilla.

When writing the rough draft of Ancilla, I meditated before writing each chapter. I focused on the sphere the chapter would be based on, opened my soul, and prayed for guidance. I also thought carefully about what types of actions would be a logical enactment of the message of each sephira. I will be doing the same when writing the rough drafts of chapters for the other two books in the trilogy. I already know the overall plot, but the details need to come to me in the form of spiritual inspiration.

2. Were there any specific challenges you faced while writing this book? How did you overcome them? Did you have any moments of breakthrough or epiphany during the writing process?

The first challenge I faced when writing Ancilla was simply that of how to find time to work on it - I have four children, and when I started the rough draft, I was taking my turn as a stay-at-home parent. My youngest child had just turned three, and was only in preschool for part of the day. Additionally, all four of my children had individualized education plans and therapy to coordinate, because like me, they are on the autistic spectrum. I had my hands full! I wound up doing most of my writing very late at night, after my husband and kids were asleep and quiet, and on the weekends, when my husband could wrangle our children for me and I could close the computer room door.

My other challenges were more technical.

I made the choice to not use proper names. Many of the characters and places in The Story of O are known by a first name and last initial, or just by a single initial - well, I can take that and take it to the next level, can't I? Let's try no proper names at all! It made sense to take that approach because (as I explain in my Afterword) one point of my Magnum Opus is that words have power. Names have power. To name something is to define it, which gives you power over it. I prefer to let my characters define themselves and determine their own destinies. I have everything mentally scripted, and I know what is to come, but I want my characters to be active participants. I want them to learn their lessons as they develop, and if the reader learns with them, well and good. In a sense, I am standing in the place of God for my characters; writing Ancilla and its sequels is an act of faith for me, because it reminds me that I, too, am part of a Plan, that God has something in mind for me and knows how my story will end, but I do have free will and I need to make my own choices. It is both a paradox and a delicate balance.

Of course, choosing to leave places and characters unnamed except when unavoidable, and then only using use-names or nicknames determined by role, presents its own challenge: how do I make it clear who and what it is that I am writing about? I also only occasionally use labels when referring to traits. I describe my protagonist as bisexual, switchable, feminine, red-haired, tall, for instance, all of which is true; I don't mention that she is autistic or that she is a vampire, although she is both of these things. "Magister" is described as dominant, sadistic, heterosexual, monogamous, masculine, tall, dark-haired, etc, all of which is true, but I don't call him a vampire or autistic, either. I doubt I will ever use the words "autistic" or "vampire" - I'd like the reader to figure that out on their own.

Another challenge I faced was the nature of the material itself. My protagonist and her mentor/lover/soulmate are both BDSM edge players - they take things to extremes. Making it clear that consent was always established and ongoing was important to me - one thing I hated about the Fifty Shades books was that they were full of romanticized sexual assault, although there was a hand-wave to safe, sane, and consensual - but even in the BDSM scene, some of the things "Magister" does to "ancilla" go past what many subs consider acceptable. Some of it triggered me while I was writing (I'd prefer to not go into detail other than to say I have some very bad memories that I sometimes relive unwillingly). The chapters with the most unnerving material were, of course, the chapters that I had to go back over and revise the most. So that presented a challenge.

The worst challenge, though, was financial. I couldn't afford professional editing. This is one reason it took me eleven years to write Ancilla - in lieu of hiring an editor, I did my own editing, over and over and over again. I've lost track of how many structural edits, line edits, and revisions I've subjected Ancilla to. The end result was still not perfect. Self-editing is rather like self-appendectomy. It's possible, but it's not advisable, and the end result may not be optimal.

3. What drew you to write about these particular characters? What themes were you hoping to explore with this book?

There aren't many characters in Ancilla. There are some very minor side characters, none of whom ever get names; there's a woman my protagonist nicknames "Lydia" after seeing her dressed up as Lydia Deetz from Beetlejuice; there's the man my protagonist hooks up with at the end of the book, who plays a prominent role in the sequels and who my protagonist calls "zed;" and of course, there are "Magister" and "ancilla" (who later become "Erastes" and "eromene" to each other).

I'll start with my protagonist. I wanted to create a female protagonist who improved on Ana Steele. Someone bookish, like Ana was supposed to be, but whose intelligence and erudition were not merely informed qualities (let's face it, Ana Steele is not smart, never mind how she is described. She's also not nearly as well-read as she likes to think she is). There's very little positive bi representation in fiction today, especially when it comes to protagonists, so I made her bisexual. Her autism was merely an outgrowth of my writing in the first person. I am autistic; I don't think I could write a neurotypical character's perspective from the first person if I tried. However, I think it's important that autistic people get more, and better, representation in fiction as well. There are a lot of negative stereotypes out there that need to die.

Speaking of killing off negative stereotypes, "Magister" is meant to be a sort of wrecking ball. There seems to be a template for dominants in erotic romance. They're alpha males, usually billionaires. They're "naturally" dominant - sexual dominance is an extension of other sorts of dominance for them. They're brawny, manly men. They're possessive and controlling. They're stuck in what some gender researchers have called the "man box" - they have to act macho, so they can't show strong emotions that might hint at weakness.

I think that's toxic AF.

Therefore, I created a sexual dominant who was introverted, quiet, and supportive of my protagonist rather than controlling. He has a secure ego, and his strength is there, but it's the quiet, understated kind. He is happy to let other people take the lead when he is not engaged in lovemaking (and for my protagonist alone, he is even capable of letting her take the lead in lovemaking, at least some of the time - dominance and submission is not so much an either/or as it is a spectrum, and while he is mostly dominant, for her he can occasionally enjoy playing the submissive. It's an extension of his profound love for her. He doesn't feel that way about people he is not in love with). He has hobbies and interests that are not stereotypically manly: cooking, reading, ceremonial magic, classical music, tabletop role-playing games. He is capable of expressing emotion and vulnerability... I wanted to show all of these things while making it clear that he is unquestionably masculine, and unquestionably a sexual dominant. Sexual dominance is bound up in macho - yes, even for dominant women - and macho is all about toxic masculinity. I wanted to show how it's possible to be manly without being toxic.

4. What kind of impact are you hoping your book will have on readers? Have you heard any interesting feedback from readers so far?

I'm an evil, evil writer. I love it when I see comments about my having put yet another reader in tears with the ending. I also love to read about readers being aroused by the lovemaking scenes, and I love to see comments about how somebody wants to read the books I've been referencing. When I get a review from a reviewer who says they found themself utterly submerged, immersed in the book, overwhelmed by the prose, pushed into experiencing the action as if from the perspective of my protagonist, that makes me do a little happy dance. I want engagement - nay, enthrallment. Being a writer is a weird form of domming, at least it is for me, and what dom doesn't want their sub utterly enthralled and in a state of agony and ecstasy all at once?

5. Who were some of your early influences as a writer? What books or authors shaped your own writing style?

Influences on my writing... My favorite fiction authors are Robin McKinley, Ursula LeGuin, Anne Rice, Neil Gaiman, Donna Tartt, Mary Renault, Jacqueline Carey, Jim Butcher, and Steven Brust; my favorite poets are Sylvia Plath, Galway Kinnell, Percy Bysshe Shelley, William Butler Yeats, T S Eliot, Theodore Roethke, W H Auden, and Wallace Stevens. The poets have influenced me as much as the prose writers have.

I've lost track of the number of times I've read The Secret History.

Actually, I've also lost track of the number of times I've read The Story of O. Some of the subject matter is problematic, but the prose is beautiful and intense. I've tried to embody that intensity in my own writing.

Stylistically, if not thematically, I take my inspiration from the Marquis de Sade. No, I absolutely do NOT agree with his philosophy, since his philosophy amounts to "do whatever the hell you want to whomever you can, might makes right, and let all be shared in common with no personal property to speak of," so may the odds be ever in your favor. What I want to emulate is the way he seamlessly weaves philosophical discourse and literary criticism into erotica.

Yes, I know, that's a little bit insane, but we all have to have goals, and raging sapiosexual that I am, that goal appeals to me.

I also want to perfect my approach to magical realism - both as a writer and as a visual artist. If only I was half the writer Neil Gaiman is, and a quarter of the artist Dave McKean is. They're both geniuses.

6. What advice would you give to aspiring writers who are just starting out?

My advice to new writers is to read, read, read. Read as many authors as you can, so you can find out what you love. your writing may eventually become a dialogue with these writers. And write, write, write. Practice makes perfect. Your first efforts will be terrible (mine certainly were). They will get better. Remember, nobody sees a fantastic author's rough drafts, let alone the failed stories and poems they choose to discard. Readers only see polished, finished products. Most of the hard work an author does goes unseen.

7. What does winning this award mean to you in your career as a Wattpad writer?

Winning this award was an honor. All the awards I have won so far have been profound honors. I'm always amazed and overjoyed to have tangible proof that someone likes my work.

Also, Brumous had beautiful graphics. I wanted a chance to display them. As an artist, I enjoy gorgeous art when I see it.

8. Can you tell us a little bit about what you're working on next?

When I'm not selling insurance (we all have to pay the bills somehow...) I'm working on the outline and researching background material for Soror Mystica, the sequel to Ancilla. I hope to have the sequel roughed out by the end of 2024. When not doing that, I'm procrastinating my writing by reading the work of other Wattpadians and indie writers, and taking part in Wattpad contests, both as a contestant and as a judge. I also make a few collages every day. Most of these collages are tiles I make for Instagram, but I'm going to make a few YouTube playlists this summer, and illustrate them using my collages. The playlists are meant to be a cheap way of advertising Ancilla. I'm going to use the music from the long, long playlist I created to listen to while writing, and create a playlist for each chapter of Ancilla, complete with some prose excerpts. See, this is what you do when you have an advertising budget of negative $15. LOL.

9. If you could cast your characters in a movie, who would you choose?

I'd cast either Joseph Fiennes or Jeremy Irons to play "Magister." I need a fantastic actor who has intense, soulful eyes. "ancilla" would be perfect if played by Anya Taylor-Joy. Later in life I can see her being played by Tilda Swinton. Gwendoline Christie would be great, too, at least for height, because "ancilla" is 6'3" just like her, but I don't know if Jeremy Irons or Joseph Fiennes would come close enough to that, and "Magister" is only about an inch shorter than "ancilla."