The Tavern of Tall Tales

The Man of Muffins

Once upon a time... in a tavern deep in the woods... were three friends. All of which were very drunk. The first of these was a Dhampir named Laerin, who was the bard. The second, Eryen Wren, the bartender. Lastly, and the most drunk, was Marguerite Montague. She had no exact purpose for being there, except for drinks.

Within the Tavern of Tall Tales, Laerin and Marguerite sat at the tavern bar counter while Eryen stood across from them, cleaning out a mug. Laerin was finishing telling a tale of adventure, and Marguerite was drinking her second mug of ale. 

Suddenly, she blurted out, "WHATASTORY! D'YOUGOTMORE??????"

Laerin replied, "I know many tales, Marguerite, it is just a matter of which."

Marguerite, put down her mug, and very loudly exclaimed, "DOST THOU KNOWEST THE MAN OF MUFFINS?!"

"The Man of Muffins???"

"THE MAN OF MUFFINS." Marguerite insisted, leaning in closer.

"Dost he live on a lane?? The Lane of Drury??" asked Laerin, slowly backing up.

As Eryen nudged Marguerite back with his arm, she yelled, "YES, THE LANE OF DRURY! DOST THOU KNOWEST HIM?" 

"No, I merely have heard of the legend, the legend of the man of muffins." Laerin stated.

Marguerite, now nursing her ale again, demanded, "Tell me of this tale that you have heard, the tale of the legendary man of muffins." 

"Alright." said Laerin. "THE MAN OF MUFFINS, he was a powerful lad of many foes..... he had made a wonderful food, many of thy may know it, known commonly as the muffin. His name is John Muffin, he had a wife and some kids, but they were slain!!"

"RIP." said Eryen, catching Laerin off guard.

"Slain by whom?" Marguerite queried, ignoring the duo's laughter.

"THE BOY OF BAGELS!!!!!!" Laerin exclaimed.

"Why didst the Boy of Bagels slay the Man of Muffin's wife and offspring??" 

"He sought vengeance over the Boy of Bagels, and later in life, he finally encountered the boy on the lane of where the Man of Muffins was once a boy himself... the Lane of Drury. But when he saw the boy, he only froze in terror over the face he saw......... For it was his own self..... only as a young lad!" 

Marguerite gasped, "How couldst this be???"

"He didn't know!! He asked the boy, "How art thou myself in times of past?" But the boy only stood there and smiled a look of relief, for he had stopped the man he didn't want to become..."

Laerin paused for both dramatic effect, and to take a sip of his wine.

"You see, the boy of bagels in fact HATED muffins!!!! He had found a witch to take him to the future, so he may slay the devil he would never want to become. So the boy, standing there with the knife that had slain his wife and children of the future, walked over to his self of future...... and stabbed..... himself?"

Laerin thought over what he had said, trying to make sure what was spoken made sense, for the tale's plot had thickened... in an odd way.

Wide-eyed and invested, Marguerite cried "The tragedyyyyyy! Did the Man of Muffins, formerly the Boy of Bagels, survive?" 

Laerin continued, "The Man of Muffins scrambled to hold the boy, dying with the knife thrusted into him, but he had failed, the boy laid there, dead on the pavement."

"Nooooooooo!! And what of the Man of Muffins, the currently living??" she asked, frantically.

"The townsfolk around see this, and were terrified of the Man of Muffins, as it looked as he had slain a child of young, one they've never seen.... until the Man of Muffins started to disappear, slowly fading away like a ghost seeing the Light of Heaven..."

"The Man of Muffins and the Boy of Bagels, found to be one person and the same, are both no more..." sighed Marguerite, downing her third mug of ale.

"To this day, those townsfolk tell the tale of a Man of Muffins throughout the generations, the man who had created a treat of sweet, but also created a murder of such a sour taste. And that is the Tale of the Man of Muffins." Laerin finished.

"Sounded like a lovely guy. Shame I couldn't meet them." Eryen stated, while comforting Marguerite, who was now lying halfway on the counter. 

"Ermmm... why don't you tell us another story, Laerin...?"

Marguerite suddenly sat up, knocking over her empty mug. 

"YES! I KNOW WHAT I WANNA HEAR NEXT!"