Aligning the Stars (GXG)

XXIV - Aftermath

Astrea

Nakatitig lang ako sa star pin na bigay niya sa'kin, it was now placed on the box she gave me. Hindi ko na ito sinuot matapos ang gabing 'yon. My reason was— I feel pathetic every time I wear it.. knowing that it probably doesn't mean anything to her. Para bang kada suot ko ang pin na iyon, mas bumibigat ang pakiramdam ko. Now, it just serves as a reminder of how foolish I was to think that things could be different.

Pero gabi-gabi, palagi ko pa rin itong tinititigan.

I can't help it.

It's my way of holding on to the memories I don't want to forget, kahit masakit. I can't help but wonder if things had turned out differently, would this pin still hold the same weight? Oh ako lang talaga ang nagbigay ng kahulugan sa mga bagay na hindi naman dapat? It's my way of keeping her close, even if she's slipping away from me.

Correction— she already slipped away.

I chuckled bitterly before closing the box and hid it in one of my drawers.

It's been almost a month since she left.

It was weeks of endless pretentious, weeks of convincing myself that I'm fine, na kaya ko. Pero ang totoo, I've been carrying this heavy emptiness since she walked away. I chuckled again, it was much bitter this time, as if that would make things easier to swallow. Pretending has become second nature—laughing when I feel like breaking down, smiling when all I want to do is disappear.

I closed the drawer and leaned against it, feeling the weight of everything I've been trying to bury. It's been weeks since she left, but it still feels like it just happened yesterday.

I became disoriented days after receiving that message.

Mas naging tahimik.. at unti-unti nang nawawalan ng pakialam sa mundo.

Muntik na akong bumalik sa mundong pinilit kong takasan. The world I swore I'd never return to—the one filled with nothing but emptiness and isolation. I thought I had moved on, that I had found a way to live again after everything that happened in the past. But her message—her leaving—triggered something in me.

Mas naging tahimik ako, mas nawala ang boses ko sa mga tao sa paligid. It felt like I was slowly fading, unti-unti nang nawawalan ng saysay ang mga bagay na dati'y mahalaga. Every day became a blur, as if nothing really mattered anymore.

It's as if the world around me continued to move, but I was stuck in place, watching it from a distance. Every attempt to care, to feel something, seemed pointless. The colors that once filled my life had dulled into shades of gray.

Nagsimula akong umiwas sa mga kaibigan, sa mga taong madalas kong kasama. It was easier to avoid people than to explain what was happening inside me. I didn't want to be a burden—hindi ko kayang sabihin sa kanila na unti-unti na akong nawawala sa sarili kong mundo. Ironic, really. I spent so long trying to climb out of the darkness, only to feel it pulling me back again.

The days blurred together, and I almost let it consume me—almost allowed myself to slip into that familiar numbness.

The restaurant became a distraction, a temporary escape from the chaos in my mind. At least doon, I could pretend that everything was normal. I would focus on the routine—taking orders, serving customers, hearing the usual hum of chatter. It gave me something to do, kahit papaano, kahit sandali lang. It was easier to be surrounded by people who didn't expect anything from me than to face the reality of my own emotions.

Pero kahit na andun ako, I was still distant. Physically present but mentally absent. My body moved on autopilot, going through the motions, but my mind was miles away. I'd catch myself staring at nothing, losing track of time, or zoning out when someone would talk to me.