As I ran, I knew exactly where I would end up.
home.
I didn't want anybody to know about what my father did to me.
Nobody needed to know.
If it got out, I can't imagine what everybody would think of me. And whatever it is, I wouldn't be able to take it.
and now everyone knows.
God, why are you doing this to me.
Why didn't a single one of them ask me how I was doing? Or if I needed anything? Or if I needed them?
They really don't care?
They really don't care.
They didn't know how I felt. Nobody knew how it felt for that to be the first thought you wake up to in the morning, and the last before you fall asleep at night. They didn't have to feel their insides curl up every time they looked at their father.
They didn't get it.
**warning, this flashback has mentions of sexual abuse/ r@pe
________________________
As I woke up out of my sleep, I felt a sharp pain in the bottom of my stomach.
As I tried to shift to make the pain subside, I felt a pair of cold, rough hands push me back down onto the bed. I looked up to see my dad, holding me down as he used me.
I pushed and shoved at him. I pounded on his chest with the fists. I tried to scream, to call for someone. But my cries were useless.
After a while of screaming, I stopped trying. I couldn't move. I couldn't scream. All I could do was silently cry.
After he was done, he pulled his pants up and exited my room. I looked down, and there was blood everywhere.
All I could do was cry.
___________________________
**
As I finally made it home, I hesitated to turn the knob.
I knew I couldn't do that to myself again. I couldn't let it happen.
I decided to just suck it up and go back to the Curtis house. As much as I dreaded that as much as home.
If I dreaded the place that saved me from my home, then where do I even belong?
I felt so angry at everyone, at the world. At my dad. At the gang.
I didn't understand. If they knew what was going on, why didn't they care?
Not even Darry asked me how I was once. Johnny was supposed to be my best friend, and he didn't bring it up one time.
I wonder if Dallas knew.
He would've said something, right?
Dallas always speaks his mind.
I finally made it back to the Curtis's. I opened the door slowly, kind of scared of what was behind it. When I stepped in, everything seemed to be normal.
Until I was pulled right back outside.
I looked to see who had pulled me back, and it was none other than Dallas.
"Why did you run out earlier?" He said sternly, getting straight to the point.
I stared at him blankly for a few seconds, "Dallas, why would you even care. You hate me, remember? I don't have to tell you anything."
"I heard what Johnny was saying, about your dad and all that." Dallas said with a hint of what seemed to be pity.
I don't want your pity asshole.
He sighed, "Look, I don't know why he told you that. He's the one who told us to keep our mouths shut about it. But I would just let him cool off man, he's got a lot on his mind." He continued.
I nodded slowly, until I fully grasped what he had just told me.
"Why did Johnny tell you to keep your mouths shut?"
Dallas thought for a minute, before speaking.
"He thought you were gonna lose it man. He was scared you were gonna hurt yourself or something."
I froze before speaking. "Well it hurt a whole lot more having to suffer in silence. No matter what Johnny told you, y'all aren't dumb. You have a brain to know that I couldn't do it on my own! I needed help." I spoke loudly, getting angry.
Dallas stood completely still. His face had almost a look of regret.
Before he could speak, I yelled out at him, "It doesn't matter if you hate me Dallas, I didn't deserve that. You could at least try to be decent."
Dallas looked down at the ground. " I don't hate you man. I just-God, I don't know why I mess with you. I should've said something okay? I'm sorry."
Again, all I could do was just cry.
Like always.
I'm so tired of crying.
Dallas wrapped his arms around me slowly, he almost seemed hesitant.
"Look, I don't know everything that's going on with you. But I know you'll be alright. Johnny ain't gonna stay mad at you. You're gonna be okay."
"Okay."
