I walked into Soda's old room and sat at the desk.
I would stay there a lot of times, I felt horrible because Darry was already working two jobs to hold everything down. And I was an extra mouth to feed.
I didn't want him to have me as a burden, but I was scared of my home. (And I was also scared of the dark, so I didn't want to sleep at the lot.)
As I sat at my desk, all my emotions started to flow out at once.
Nothing was ever going to get better. I was worthless, nobody cared about me not even my own family.
Everything that I had went through over the years, it was too much.
I felt so much pain and hurt, and nothing ever made it stop. Nobody ever understood my pain.
I thought about what Dallas had told me, "you're gonna be okay".
But I knew I wouldn't. I knew he only said that just to say it.
I knew that was my last straw.
And then I was writing a list.
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"MY REASONS TO STAY"
1. Angelica
2. My 17th birthday
3. Johnny
4. The gang
5.My graduation
6. Dallas
I couldn't think of any more.
"MY REASONS TO GO"
1. Mom
2.Dad
3. Darry (not that I don't love him, but he doesn't deserve to have to take care of me)
4. "Last year"
5. The people I burden
6. Everything at home.
After that the list kept going.
And I realized that all the bad outweighed the good.
If I did it, who would miss me?
Maybe Angelica.
I thought if Johnny would miss me. He's absolutely pissed at me right now, but he would miss me, right?
And before I knew it, I started to write the letters.
I wrote one to my little sister and everybody in the gang.
I hoped they would be able to find them if I needed them too.
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Angelica, since the day I met you in the hospital, I knew that I would always love you. I'm so grateful that I got to watch you grow into the girl you are now, and I wish I could have watched you grow more. Just know, that none of this is your fault. You kept me going, Angie. Thank you for making me feel like I had something to live for. Thank you for being the best sister I could ask for. I know you can't understand what I did, or why I did it. And this all probably feels confusing. But it doesn't matter why I did it, what I want you to know is you're the reason I didn't do it sooner. You made me the girl I am today, I love you, my beautiful baby girl.
-Love, Alondra
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Johnny, by the time you get this letter, I don't know if you'll still be angry with me. But no matter what, I want you to know that I'm not mad at you. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for putting me before everyone in your life. Thank you for having me as a priority. Thank you for being my very best friend. I wouldn't have made it to 16 without you. And it's not your fault that I didn't make it to 17. You know things were hard for me, and you still treated me with patience and love. You were the best friend a girl could ever ask for, and now you can be that for somebody else. Take care of Angelica for me. I'm glad that I got to experience you. Thank you Johnny.
Love, Alondra
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Darrel, you always told us all that we can't stop living just because we lost someone. Well I want you to promise me that you'll keep living. I know you can keep it. I'm so eternally grateful for you. I never felt the love of my parents, and while you couldn't give that to me, you gave me the closest thing you could to it. Which was the love of a brother. You didn't say it much, but I know that you loved me. You kept me safe, you fed me, you gave me a bed to lay in, thank you so much. You're one of the best people I've ever met. Every time that I would lay awake, feeling unloved, I remembered that I had you. And I reminded myself how lucky I was to have you by my side. So thank you, Darry.
Love, Alondra
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Ponyboy, I know that of all people, you'll probably be the most confused by all this. So I want to tell you to not wonder why I did it, but to know you made everything so much more bearable when I was alive. Sometimes things add up, and become too much. But you made it so much easier to handle over the years, thanks for that. And thank you for reading with my Angie, and teaching her new things. You probably spent the most time with her out of any of the gang, and I can't ever thank you enough for that. So when I'm gone, please keep reading to her. Keep her happy. Make sure she keeps living. Thank you Ponyboy, for everything, I love you, kid.
Love, Alondra
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Sodapop, you have always been the most positive person that I know. You're so kind hearted, and you always know what to do or say to make someone smile. Thank you for keeping my spirits up. You always put others before yourself, so please start putting yourself first. Put your needs before others. You deserve everything good in the world, so give it to yourself. Keep an eye on Pony for me. Love you, Soda.
Love, Alondra
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Two-Bit, when I first met you, I thought you were out of your mind. And over time, I realized I was correct. But, you're also so much more than that. You're kind, caring, funny, and so much more. You're one of the best friends I've ever had. And you have never failed to put a smile on my face. I know how you are, so I'm asking you to not freak out when you read this. Stay happy for me. Keep your spirits up, try to do the same for everyone else. Thank you for everything, Two.
Love, Alondra
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Steve, even though you're kind of an asshole sometimes, I really do love you. Sure you have your moments, but every time I really need you, you're always there. Thank you for that. Thank you for being a good friend. I don't appreciate you and Two letting my little sister taste your beer, but I'll let it slide. Thank you for protecting her, I could never thank you enough. I'm gonna miss you Stevie, I love you.
Love, Alondra
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Dallas, this was one of the hardest letters for me to write. And that's for a couple reasons. The first is because, you were my last thing I was holding onto. You were making me stay. I don't want you to feel like it's your fault I'm gone, because it's not. But knowing you, I don't think you would feel like that. Thank you for being my last reason. For letting me hold on to you. And my second reason this was so hard, is because I love you. I love you Dal, always have, always will. And it's a lot easier to say that when I won't have to see your face after, or hear your reaction. Because I'll be gone. This may be a stretch, but I think maybe you did care, even before we talked. I hope you never have to feel what I felt back then. Do me a favor, please don't get yourself killed, Dallas. There's so much left for you, don't throw it away. I love you so much, Dally.
Love, Alondra
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I picked up the letters, and put them each in an envelope. I wrote everyone's name on the back of their letter. And then I tied them all together with a piece of white string. I put them under the pencil holder on the desk, and then I walked back to my house.
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I KNOW THAT THIS SEEMS TO BE MOVING VERY FAST BUT I PROMISE IT'S IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT.
Love you lots!!
