Leave leave leave
Please don't go
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so so sorry
Where am I? Where's my sanity? All I hear are voices in my head. Your voice I miss so much. You came back but only in my head. My brain filled with neurons and synapses recreating your voice over and over. I remember your face that day. You cried with your voice cracking. I'm sorry I'm so sorry.
Days turn to weeks, weeks turn to months. It's been 3 months. Every 28th I'm comatose. I can't eat, I can't take a bath, I can't live but I have to. Wear a mask, slap a smile, last for 16-18 hours of it then back in my bed, I cry till I pass out. Breathe in breathe out. Don't stop.
I see you with her again. You look so happy. I'm glad. I can't breathe. It hurts but I'm smiling. You're far away. So so blurry but I know it's you. I watch you take a seat, run your hands through your hair, tilt your head. I imagine your eyes your smile your laugh your groan your whispers your wink. I miss every part of you.
72 days since we last talked to each other face to face. I watch and re watch our videos. Your singing voice is amazing, no wonder you joined the chorale. 72 nights I've spent crying. 72 days I've spent pretending. I guess it's back to this.
9 months left, then I'll leave forever. I won't ever see you again. Am I happy?
No
Why would I?
I can't see you anymore.
I miss you too much
I can't breathe properly
My heart beats for you
Now that you're gone, it's unsteady
I just found out that I have an irregular heartbeat. It's not life threatening but it's funny.
Don't you ever think about me?
Heart splits, it cries for you too
This is poisonous. I should stop. This is bad for my health but seeing you calms me down in ways I can't even describe.
So perfect, you never lied. Why did I do it?
Simple, I'm a bitch, FUCKTARD, full of shit person. I deserve to die right? I think so too.
I deserve this, daily torment from my own mind. I can't ever escape. Aren't you glad? I'm getting what I deserve from the one person I can never run away from. Myself.
Sometimes I imagine being locked up in an isolation room in an asylum while wearing a straitjacket. I can pass my days just dreaming of your arms around me. That can be my reality. It's a dream come true.
My head is filled with mental snapshots of you. Every night I scroll through them, one by one, as I cry my eyes dry.
I still have your shirt you know. I kept it, I hope you kept mine. It still has your scent. It calms me down when everything is too much and I'm on the edge of getting up and walking all the way to your house then watching you from across the street.
I've planned so many scenarios in my head on how it will play out. I've never done it. I chicken out in the end. I'm not brave or courageous as you thought I am. I'm a weakling, an embarrassment, a loser. I want to face you so badly and hear your voice directed at me, even if you're just shouting.
I want you to look at me again. I'm still looking at you, watching you during my free time, all day every day. On the days you look sad, I want so badly to go up to you and talk but I know you'll just ignore me as you have ignored all my efforts online.
You say you've forgiven me but I know that's a lie. I hurt you too much. I broke your trust just like they did. I'm one of those girls to you. I'm not special at all but you are to me.
You're my lucky number three.
I wasn't supposed to get attached but I did. You're so good. You played me so well. I hummed underneath your fingertips. You meant everything right?
It seemed like you did. I dream about you every night. All our memories during that month. I can't ever forget. You're one of the three. I'll never move on.
28. The start and end of us. Did you realize that? I'm not sure if you even noticed. Our first kiss was on a 28 and so was our last. The perfect month. 28 and 28.
Do you regret us? I don't. There was never an us technically. We didn't date. You weren't my boyfriend. I wasn't your girlfriend. We were both running away from what happened. You, your ex girlfriend. Me, my ex bestfriend.
Hahahahahahahahahahaha, oh did you know?
My best friend finally ditched my ass. His girlfriend came and visited. Do you remember? He doesn't need me anymore. He threw me away like how I threw you away.
Do you know that I always regretted that night?
I can't even remember the other guy's name. You were a better kisser than him. You were better than everyone I've ever kissed. Did you know that?
I don't blame you. I'm shit. Always throwing away the people that cares about her. Remember when you were wondering why all my friends left?
I guess you know now. That's why. Can you see it? That's why no one ever stays.
You said you were different. You said you can handle it. I warned you. Do you remember? I warned you to stay away. I'll just hurt you. I hoped so much that you would be different. You crawled so easily into my heart and set up shop there. I thought you will never go. I believed you when you said you can handle me.
Now I know. No one can. I'm too dangerous. I'm a ticking bomb.
I can't be trusted and I can't trust.
I'm unraveling day after day. I wish I could go back to that day and end it all. So the last memory I have is of us. Just us. On those 2 days.
The happiest days of my life. They were with you.
