Infatuation - haobin

-10-

♪"Chihiro" by Billie Eilish ♪

Hao tries to bring some sense into his mind for the remainder of the weekend. Something about staying in bed and doing nothing should have helped him to clear everything up, but it only made everything worse.

He despised himself throughout the days, and now in the afternoon, he does not feel better at all. It all feels like he is sinking deep into a hole of despair that he can't manage to escape. He doesn't understand himself at all anymore... he doesn't even know who he has become. Does he really think that he deserves this?

He has asked himself that, over and over again. 

Is this really his worth?

As he thinks back on Jun, and Hanbin's words, he notices that Hanbin is right... he is completely losing himself, and he needs to save his last ounce of self-love before it all comes crashing down. Is it too late though?

Hao stays in his bed for the remainder of the day, frozen in the same spot, his back arching down as he wracks his brain. He feels cramps covering every muscle of his body, but he doesn't budge. He needs to think

And so he does, and yet, he still comes back to the same conclusion; he needs to save himself because no one else will

But how? How will he get over Jun?

As Hao lies motionless in his bed, the weight of his situation seems to press down on him like a heavy rock

He feels sick... sick of himself

How did it get this bad? How did a pure little crush become such an unbearable feeling that brought him self-hatred? How can a boy make him feel this way? Hao hates all of these questions because he doesn't have an answer. 

He needs to get over Jun. He needs to, because if he doesn't, he'll be done for. Because love isn't supposed to hurt him much. Love isn't supposed to be a torturous as this.

Hao nods to himself, finally allowing himself to move a little. He is going to get over him. He is over him

He repeats each word to himself for an hour straight, looking at his plain wall. He feels like this is some kind of torture method for himself; something that will allow him to part from what he wants. 

"I'm over him" Hao confirms to himself. His heart hurts as he says it, but he says it anyway. He confirms it to no one but himself, yet, even he isn't convinced. Hao sighs, grabbing his phone and texting his friends. Maybe if he tells them that he's over Jun, he'll believe it himself.

Once he sends the text, he closes his eyes and throws the phone to the other side of his bed.

Minutes pass, and Hao feels a flicker of hope. Maybe this is the start of something new, a beginning where he can finally find himself again. He hears the familiar chime of his phone and reaches for it, half expecting words of encouragement from his friends.

Instead, it's a message from Jun.

Hey, want to hang out today?

Hao's heart skips a beat. He forgets all of his previous thoughts, the resolve he'd painstakingly built up crumbling in an instant. Without a second thought, he replies.

Yes, absolutely. Where do you want to meet?