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Missed.

The newborn stage was one of the most special times in our parenthood journey so far, being in our family bubble for the first weeks before we had to go back to reality always felt amazing. Don't get me wrong newborns are hard and throwing an energetic three year old into the mix only made it harder to balance, but it was still amazing.

Isy was thriving, even after everything that happened with the miscarriage, the pregnancy and then the c-section she took to having a newborn again like a duck to water. I tried to help as much as I could, doing the night feeds with milk that she expressed, taking the reins with keeping Jordi entertained during the day and making sure that she had everything she needed, but I still struggled.

Each time we have brought a baby into our family it has stirred up a lot of unresolved emotions in me. Emotions that I don't think will ever be resolved. Grief is something that I have learned never truly goes away, it stays with you in both your saddest moments and the happiest. Losing Papa had a huge effect on me and it still does in every day of my life even more so during the big moments.

Bringing our little Jordi Jaume home was a moment of pure happiness, but in the back of my mind was the thought that my father will never get to meet his first grandson and that feeling was bubbling up to the surface again now that we have Enzo.

We have two children, who have three grandparents that adore them and care for them more that anything else in the world, but there's one who is missing. He would have been the best Abuelo to our boys and I was grieving that side of him that I never got to meet.

"He looks more and more like you every time I see him" Mama smiled as she cradled Enzo in her arms, bounced him around the living room.

Isy and Jordi were upstairs reading a bedtime story while Mama and I were downstairs with Enzo, she was settling him after a bottle while I was folding the pile of laundry that seemed to be never ending.

"Isy says the same, but I just don't see it" I looked up at her and sent her a halfhearted smile before continuing to fold what felt like the one hundredth baby grow in the pile.

"Have you looked at pictures from when you were little recently, he and Jordi are both your doubles. It feels like going back in time whenever I come over"

"They look like Papa" I spoke quietly, my eyes welling up as my emotions began to bubble over.

"Hmm?" She asked, moving closer to me and joining me where I was sat on the sofa.

"They look just like Papa" I repeated.

"You're missing him aren't you?"

"I miss him everyday Mama"

"I know you do, but right now you are missing him more than the normal amount... and that's ok"

"He's never going to meet them, they are never going to know their Abuelo and that kills me every single day"
"He should be here Mama"

"I know he should and I know how much you miss him. He would have loved your boys so much, he'd be so proud of the woman you've become. The wife you are to Isy, the mother you are to JJ and Enzo, the sister you are to Alba and the daughter you are to us."

"It took three stories, but he's finally- " Isy started as she joined us in the living room, but stopped almost immediately once she noticed the atmosphere in the room.
"Is everything ok?"