Withered Roses

Death was sweeter than sin

21st October, 2022

At the beginning of my new innings as a single person again, I wasn't feeling that broken. Were all of my fears just exaggerated hormones? Like, I am 23! I am expected to have a bit more control over my hormones than the cheesy 18-year-old guys who get rejected daily! The new year had rolled in, and things were just out of my mind. But this was a short-lived safety. When Covid finally caught up to my family in January of 2022, beyond the masks, sanitizers, and all the protection, I finally found myself secluded in a room of my house. I seldom met my family, and all I had for a friend was my laptop. I had everything I wished to watch in those 16 days, legal and illegal, child-friendly and 18+, movies, documentaries, or short videos.

It was during those two weeks that the reality dawned on me – I was alone in this world. If it would have been the starting months of 2020, maybe I would have had someone to talk to. It might just have been unending quarrels and misunderstandings, but then I would have a human to talk to, not my depressive thoughts. I realized the darkest side of the mind I adored so much. Those 16 days aggravated my life-long problem of depression. I never did come out about it to many people, in fear of being tagged a lunatic (Indian society, duh!!), and I silently suffered from the tremendous stabs of my thoughts.

Death was a very fascinating topic for me. I mean, not in a Michael Myers type way, but in a much more spiritual and canonical way. I might seem lunatic here, but I wished death would befall me in those days and in the many months after the infection. The pain of loneliness, her silence, and of course her indifference, all hit different levels of reality. I am an introvert, and those days were the times when my mind would have a million voices, struggling for supremacy and prominence. However, externally, things were different.

I had to invariably stand up as the eldest son of the house, and cook for my family, clean the house, do the dishes, and wake up late at night to ensure the SpO2 levels of my family members were not near the critical levels. In doing so, keeping a straight face and even laughing to ensure they got no wind of the inner pain, that was killing me. I couldn't get much sleep then, as my days were spent in household chores, while the nights were an unholy mix of crying at memories and checking on family. Frankly, in those days, those 16 fateful days, the romantic in me, the person who was head-over-heels for a girl who didn't take 7 months to slaughter our 7-year-old relationship; died. In his place, a practical guy was born. Yet, I still feel that death is sweeter than this sin.
___

I was cocky when I said I didn't need you,
I am dying to tell you what I am going through;
It's a punishment every day to expect you to talk,
It's torture to keep you on the block.

I wish it was a nightmare, I wish I wake up,
I wish I had the guts to live through this breakup;
I knew I did love you, but I am acting I don't care,
Babe, look I am crying, I have left my wounds bare.

I forgot you don't hear me now, I forgot I am the past,
I forgot I am a memory, a dream that didn't last;
I see your stories on Instagram, I see your smiling eyes,
I realize behind those dark brown windows, my soulmate lies.

But I guess this was impending, I guess this was fair,
I would have kept you happy, but you might be happier there;
I guess he just loves you, I guess he takes care of your needs,
I guess he hugs you and wipes your tears when your uterus bleeds.

But I want to ask you a question, do you still miss me?
Do our sweet memories, still haunt thee?
Because I wish I had amnesia, I wish I could forget,
I wish you were a memory I wouldn't regret.

I wish I could leave myself, I wish I could be dead,
I wish I had a way to evict you out of my head;
But I guess that's my punishment, to be stuck in this hellish bin,
I guess neither God nor the Devil can forgive my bloody sin!

Hence, I am stuck in this loop, of waking up with hope,
Of dying in anxiety, and searching for a rope,
Well, someone did promise to stick by me, in times of thick or thin,
I guess death would have been better than ever committing this sin.
___