Withered Roses

Sour and Sweet

14th October, 2022

I remember that day as if it was yesterday. The noise, the commotion, the hurry, and yet that memory rewinds itself in slow motion. Her smile, her perfect set of teeth, her voice. But something that still tingles my nostrils and leads me to skip a heartbeat is the fragrance of her perfume. That specific scent of 'Secret Temptation', now discontinued, still reminds me of that day 7 years in the past, and in a moment, takes me back to that tiled room, between the benches, among the teens, looking into the eyes of a beautiful human being.

Well, times change, and just after she decides to sit on the first bench with me, our Head Teacher comes into the room and selects a handful of the new students, including her (God knows why!), to be transferred to the next section. Does dreams break any worse than that?

Well, I wasn't letting my dreams be shattered by a teacher again and as she walked out, I promised her that we would meet every recess, and so I did.

I met her every recess, not for one or two weeks, but for a whole year. Every day, every recess, I would wait for her in front of her classroom if she had a longer class, and she did the same when I was tortured in one. But, in those 30 minutes of interactions, I felt an uncanny closeness, an attraction that wasn't just for someone's external appearance. I started falling in love with her personality, and her vibe. Now I do realize that most of that might just have been overactivated hormones, but well, it did give us a dopamine boost (dopamine is the happiness hormone, if you hadn't guessed it yet!).

Frankly, the perception people had of me mattered a lot in the algorithm that ran the engine of self-confidence in me (and that algorithm hasn't changed in 7 years! Don't change what isn't broken I guess), and I was always way too conscious about making sure she was enjoying the time we were spending together. But men will be men, won't they? So, I was starting to believe that she might just like me, and I was planning to ask her out.

I tried to ask her out for quite some time by then, and all attempts were in vain. Someday I would chicken out, while on some other day, she would miss her classes. But then, one day, I gathered the guts to ask her out, but looking into her eyes, all that courage just vanished, and I asked something so stupid, that I sometimes kick myself for it. What happened next? Maybe the next poem, Sour & Sweet, contains the answer!

___

It's been a year since we met,
The last 12 months are something I don't want to forget;
The moments which we have spent, sharing our lives and times,
Are those part of a beautiful dream, I imagine sometimes.

It's been a year of exploring, of knowing ourselves better,
Of writing friendly poems, and the occasional secret letter;
But while we were getting closer, there were secrets I had to hide,
Though you were my best buddy, there were ethics I had to abide.

Since you moved on to the other section, my mind's been there too,
The guys in there weren't the best, were they hurting you?
Bit by bit, day by day, I felt myself slipping into you,
I knew the feeling well, but this was something new!

I remember the discussion we had last June,
If I remember, the Sun was up, it was a warm afternoon;
"Evelyn, you think I am special?", I asked with a straight face,
"You are someone I can live without," she said, "But not someone I would replace!"

"But what do I mean to you?", was the next question I did ask,
"A man, a friend with whom I can live without a mask."
"But why was I the man with whom you chose not to be fake?"
"When will your questions end, Shekhar? Just give me a break!"

I saw her storming off, in anger and tears,
I knew instantly that I had become the man of my deepest fears;
I ran behind her and held her hand, "You don't need to answer them"
"I don't need your reasons Evelyn, I know you are a gem!"

She turned around and looked back, gazing with her dreamy eyes,
"It's because you are somewhat better than the other flirty guys."
It's been months since that conversation, she is still as sour & sweet,
But since that day I realized, without her I was incomplete!

___