Full Throttle

Chapter 4 - Mean

I stare at Melissa in outraged disbelief. I mean, what was she thinking?! I open my mouth and I'm about to say something when the lunch crowd starts to flood into the hallway.

These people, unlike me, didn't feel the need to run out of class the second the  bell rang so that they could avoid anyone asking them questions about their sexuality. Which is probably why I've been standing almost completely alone in the hallway for what has felt like the longest five minutes of my life.

All of the people around me are just going on about their day, opening and shutting their lockers, putting back and taking out their various textbooks and stationery. Everything is seemingly normal except for the fact that everyone keeps sneaking glances at me or looking at me out of the corner of their eye. It's like they think I've got a tattoo on my forehead that says Yes, I am bisexual and that just by looking at me they'll be able to tell if the rumours are true.

I see disappointed face after disappointed face as the people around me just can't quite seem to pinpoint what my sexuality might be. I can see them talking to their friends with furrowed brows discussing what they've all heard about me. They're like gossip detectives trying to uncover the truth about me based on the few hundreds of opinions of the high school students here at Somerset.

Melissa breaks me out of my thoughts and says much louder than I'm comfortable with, "Are we going to continue this conversation or-"

I cut her off as I whisper, "Shhhh!"

I grab onto her chunky navy blue cardigan and drag her into the cleaning supplies closet a few feet away from my locker. Once we're both inside, I slam the door shut and turn on the ancient looking light above us by pulling hard on a metal string.

The light switches on and I let out a sigh as I slump back against the slightly rusted metal closet door. I close my eyes and take some deep breaths. In and out. In and out. In. And. Out. When I open my eyes, I see Melissa looking at me with a confusion in her eyes.

"Are you okay?" she asks softly.

"I'm fine, thank you," I say.

Clearly she heard the tremor in my voice though because she doesn't let it go. "Look, you're obviously not fine. You don't have to say what's on your mind but it will probably help if you do."

She has a concerned look on her face as if she's looking at someone about to break into a million little pieces. And honestly, I would be lying if I said that that's not exactly what she's looking at right now. I just feel very, very breakable.

I slide down the closet door and sink to the floor. Looking up at Mellisa, I say, "I just hate this, you know? I hate all of this. Every last part of this. I hate the fact that my best friend in the whole world would spread my sexuality around the whole school. I hate the fact that everyone here at freaking Somerset High knows that I'm bisexual. But most of all, I hate the fact that Anna was right. I am embarrassed about my sexuality. I don't want people to know. I don't actually want anyone to know. It's like there's this really mean person in my head that I keep trying to block out but no matter how hard I try, they keep pointing out all of my flaws and laughing at me. As if I don't already think about my flaws enough. All in all, I just wish I was normal like everybody else."

Melissa laughs without any humour and sits down across from me on the cold supplies closet floor. 

"Well," she says. "That's quite a lot to unpack. But... I think most importantly, no one, literally not one person is normal. And if anyone seems like they are normal, I can guarantee you it's just cause they do a pretty damn good job of pretending. Everyone has their shit and things that they wish they could change about themselves. I just hope you realise that there is literally nothing wrong with not being straight. Your sexuality is definitely not a flaw."

I give her a small smile. "You know, logically, I do know that. I do know that there's nothing wrong with my sexuality. I guess I just really don't want people to judge me," I shake my head, "I'm sorry, that sounds so stupid."

"It doesn't. Sometimes, though, I think you just need to live your life the way that feels right. Cause trust me, people will pretty much always find a way to judge you no matter what you do."

I chuckle. "Isn't that a bit pessimistic?"

She looks down at the floor. "I guess... but sometimes life gives you good reason to be a bit pessimistic."

A silence descends upon the two of us as I think we both realise we've said a bit more than we'd intended to. However, after a minute or so I clear my throat,

"So, I think we need to discuss what this fake relationship thing means."

"Nothing that complicated really," Melissa says. "Surely after a week or two you can just tell that Anna girl that we broke up and then we can all just move on with our lives."

I snort. "You really don't know Anna, do you? Now that she knows about this, she'll be watching us like a hawk to see if we're lying. Plus, she's probably already told about half the school that we're together so she's not the only one who will be watching us. And finally, if anyone finds out that we're lying, which will be very likely if we just randomly break up after three seconds of dating, I will literally die of embarrassment so we cannot let anyone find out."

Melissa looks mildly terrified. "So this actually is quite complicated."

I roll my eyes and mutter sarcastically, "You think?"