Full Throttle

Chapter 6 - This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

It's now the end of the school day. Earlier, my conversation with Melissa was rudely interrupted by the school bell telling us that lunch was already over. Before we rushed off to our next classes though, we exchanged numbers and agreed to meet tomorrow afternoon to discuss what our fake relationship really entails.

I'm currently walking out through the large glass doors at the front of the school building and I can't seem to stop smiling. For the first time in a very long time, I don't feel like the world will come to an end just because people know I'm bisexual. In fact, I'm glad that people know. It's about time that I allow myself to stop hiding who I actually am. 

I feel like a bird who's just grown wings and is soaring through the sky. Feeling the cool breeze on my skin, passing through the clouds and watching the world unfold beneath me. I feel very, very free.

It's as I'm feeling this positive energy that I hear someone call my name from inside the school building. It is a voice I could never not recognise. My chest tightens as I realise that I may have to talk to Chase sooner than I'd wanted to.

Now, it's at this point that you'd expect me to turn around and face the inevitable. That's what I expected too. Instead, I choose to haul ass out of there. I run down the stairs in front of me, sprint through the wrought iron school gate, shoving people and backpacks as I go, and bolt left down the tree-lined cement pavement.

My hair is whipping around my face like crazy and my rucksack is practically hanging onto my back for dear life. I keep running even when I hear Chase's footsteps behind me.

"Isobel, wait!" he calls out.

"Go away!" I yell back at him as I continue to race away from him.

After a few minutes of us running for block after block, from pavement to pavement, he starts to catch up to me and I decide to give in and stop in defeat. I reluctantly turn to face him.

His face is flushed, his dark hair completely windswept and he's totally out of breath. He's standing, more like crouching, in front of me with his hands on his knees sucking in short breaths. I take this moment when he can't yet speak to look at him. I mean, really look at him.

I see past his grey board-shorts, past his white tee-shirt. For a few seconds, it's like time has slowed down and everything is happening in slow motion. I stare deeply into his hazelnut eyes and come to a realisation that I didn't expect. Looking at him, I feel nothing but sadness and disappointment. I thought I would feel really angry or betrayed the next time I saw him but I don't. I feel sad because of him but also for him because what he did to me was just plain pathetic. It said more about him and his character than a thousand words ever could.

It's a funny and surreal kind of feeling because for as long as I remember, I've always admired Chase. I thought he was the kind of person who deserved respect because he was unfailingly good to me. I'm honestly starting to wonder if he treated me so well purely because I did admire him. Because I made him feel good about himself. I'm starting to wonder if everything about our friendship was actually just transactional. If he only liked me because of the way I made him feel and the things I did for him.

As he begins to catch his breath, I can see it clear as day on his face that he thinks I'm going to forgive him. He's staring at me with this tender gaze that feels so fake I just want to throw up looking at it. Right now, I can't actually believe that I was ever friends with him. I can't believe that I didn't see the signs and that I allowed someone so blatantly manipulative and toxic to know my most intimate secrets. I don't understand how I've never noticed how fake everything he does is. I can't quite comprehend the fact that I didn't realise that he would give me this exact look every time he wanted me to forgive him. But worst of all, I can't believe that every single time he gave me that look, I did precisely what he wanted and forgave him. Well, no more.

"You know what, Chase?" I begin. "I think you should just say whatever it is you want to say because I have literally nothing that I want talk about." 

He seems genuinely stunned by my statement and it causes him to fumble over his words a bit. Eventually, he seems to contain his surprise and says, 

"Look, I know that you're upset, Isobel-"

I cut him off. "But?"

He gives me a confused look and I sigh dramatically. "Oh, I was just assuming that there was a 'but' coming and that you would try to turn the situation around so that I'm at fault."

His eyes widen and he has to clear his throat before speaking again. "Look, you can't really be saying that this is all my fault. You played your part in this whole mess too."

I shake my head in disbelief. Is this guy actually serious? "Firstly, that is exactly what I'm saying because this is all your fault. Secondly, what part have I played in this, Chase? I rejected you. I know. I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings but saying no to someone is not a crime. What should be a criminal offence, however, is taking something deeply personal that someone told you in confidence and spreading it around school. Who does that!"

"Hey! You didn't just reject me. You humiliated me. You have led me on for years, Isobel! Given me every indication that you like me back and then when I finally ask you out, you say no! Who the hell does that."

I clench my fists to keep from punching him in his stupid face. "I didn't lead you on, Chase. I really did like you back and honestly, I just froze when you asked me out last night. This morning, I felt so terrible and I decided I was going to tell you how I really felt when I saw you at school. That was until I heard everyone talking about my sexuality and I realised the type of person that you really are. Also, you claim to like me but who would do what you did to me to someone they liked? News flash! No one. Literally, not one single person would do that to someone they liked. And if you think otherwise, there is something very wrong with you."

He seems hurt at that last part and snaps, "I think the only person here who has something wrong with them is you. You know because I liked you, I didn't let it bother me too much that you're bi. But the more I think about it, the more I realise that it's just gross. For God sakes, I mean just pick one! Do you like boys or do you like girls? It's not that difficult to choose one or the other. Why can't you just make a decision?"

I feel like someone has just punched me in the stomach. Part of me knew that Chase had thought this about me all along but another part of me just wasn't quite ready to believe that yet. Hearing him say those words, that I'm 'gross', just further confirms to me that Chase Donovan is nothing but a bigoted, deceitful waste of time.

"Well, if that's really what you think about me, I don't think there is any need for us to be having this conversation."

"No, wait. We should have this-"

I cut him off in disbelief. "What?" I say. "You actually think we should have this conversation? So you think I'm, as you so kindly put it, 'gross' and you have zero respect for me but you still want me to follow you around so that you can use me as your ego and confidence booster. Screw that, Chase! I refuse to do that."

"Izzy-" he tries to say.

"No," I tell him. "I am not 'Izzy' to you anymore. In fact, I am not anything to you anymore. Honestly, it's people like you that take nice things and break them. You took me, a completely loyal friend who literally adored you, and you broke any trust that I had in you. It's those kinds of people who break things and are then shocked when the other person has to take them away. You, Chase, you are the reason why we can't have nice things like this. Because you broke our friendship, I took it away. This is fully your fault and screw you for making me out to be the bad guy!"

I give him a last once over and when I look up again and meet his eyes, I know that I've made the right decision. He literally could not care less about me and he probably never did care about me at all so I just need to let our friendship go and get some semblance of a clean break.

"Goodbye, Chase."