Full Throttle

Chapter 5 - Suburban Legends

"So what the hell are we going to do?" Melissa asks.

I don't answer her straight away. Instead, I allow my gaze to drift around the room. We're surrounded by shelves and shelves of detergents and soaps and disinfectants and bleach. Each bottle of product a different colour. Each one with a cheesy marketing slogan printed on its face. My eyes are filled with the kaleidoscopic pattern of the bottles perfectly lined up on each shelf like a vibrant, never-ending rainbow.

The contrast between my environment and my current mental state is so stark that it's almost laughable. My heart feels blackened and bruised and kind of broken like it's been set on fire and had icy cold water abruptly thrown onto the flames. It's almost like I can feel my heart crumbling away into nothingness as the aftermath of the burning, the acrid smoke, is billowing around in my chest suffocating me. God, I really feel like I can't breathe.

Despite Melissa's comforting words, which I know are true deep down, I can't shake this feeling of complete and utter shame. Embarrassment. Humiliation. All I can picture is people talking about me and making fun of who I am. The sound of their raucous laughter fills my ears and it makes it really hard to think straight. Logically, I know that there are other things that people will be talking about too and that not everyone in this school is homophobic or would judge me. But, it's like my heart just can't fully believe it.

I've always had this sort of other person in my mind. This incredibly cruel person who convinces me day after day that there's something wrong with me. That I'll never truly fit in and be like everybody else. To be honest, the only person who has ever managed to convince me otherwise is Chase. He made me feel like I was someone worth caring about and spending time with. He made me feel special and wanted. Every time I think about it, I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he would so coldly and heartlessly betray me. 

I know that I should have handled the situation better but the more I consider it, the more I realise that my rejecting him was not even a remotely reasonable excuse for spreading something around school that I had trusted him with and told him in confidence. His betrayal was in fact completely unwarranted and it makes me doubt if I ever really knew Chase at all. About a week ago, I would have said that I did with one hundred percent certainty but now, I don't know. I can't seem to figure out if he's always been like this, if he's always been the kind of guy who would hurt someone he claimed to care about in this way or if something changed overnight.

Either way, his treacherous behaviour has left me feeling like the rug has been thoroughly pulled out from under me. His opinion of me used to be one of the things that mattered most to me in the whole world. That's why when he told me that I deserved love, I believed him. Now, like seemingly everything else in my life, I'm not so sure about that.

I notice Melissa staring at me thoughtfully with a wrinkle between her brows. 

I give her a small, half-hearted smile. "What?"

She shoots me a fleeting smile in return. "Nothing. You just seem really deep in thought."

"Kind of," I say slowly.

"Plus," she continues with a real smile now, "I asked you like six full minutes ago what we're going to do and you just kind of stared off into space and never actually gave me a response!"

I chuckle. "Okay," I say. "I'm sorry about that. The thing is... I don't know what we should do. I mean, in all honesty, if we kept this charade up for a while longer, that would probably be best for me. On the other hand, I know that that's really not fair to you. Even if you did just jump into this with like zero thought whatsoever."

That gets a snicker out of her. "Well, you've got me there. I guess, I don't really know what's best to do either..."

I look at the girl sitting across from me and can't believe that this is where we've ended up. It literally just took about fifteen minutes to get into this complicated mess and yet, I don't think we'll be able to get out of it quite as quickly. As silly as it sounds though, I actually want to go through with this whole fake dating thing. I want to prove to myself that I'm capable of just being me without feeling the shame that I do right now. I want everyone, especially Chase, to know that I'm unaffected by the rumours and that I'm proud of who I am. 

I just hope that my fake pride in my self could at some point turn into true self-acceptance. Maybe that's just me putting too much on this fake romance but what if it's not? I genuinely want to find out because sometimes it gets tiring feeling this way. One day, I want to be able to look in the mirror and feel happy with the person looking back at me. I know it sounds absolutely batshit crazy, but I think this could be the way to do it.

Okay, okay. What you've all been thinking. I'd also love nothing more than to stick it to Anna because she really has been asking for it for way too long. The only problem is, I don't think Melissa wants that. She clearly thought that this would just be a one-time-thing to help me out of an awkward situation. Like following girl-code or something. Plus, I would feel terrible if I asked her to do this if she didn't want to.

I'm about to open my mouth and say all, well some, of this to her when she beats me to it and says,

"You know what? We should just do it. We should just roll with the fake relationship thing. I was the one who started it so it wouldn't be right not to finish it."

My heart sinks a little at that and I start to feel guilt forming in the pit of my stomach. I feel like I'm forcing her to do this. "Melissa, you really don't have to do that..."

She shakes her head and a look of resolve settles across her features. "No, scratch what I just said. I want to do this. Honestly, it would probably get my parents off my back. At least a little bit. Because you are definitely not the kind of person I usually date."

I don't know whether to feel relieved that she agreed to continuing with the fake dating premise or insulted that I'm definitely not the type of person she usually dates. I settle on feeling insulted pretty quickly because what did she mean by definitely! I'm definitely not the kind of person she usually dates. God, I went from feeling rather crappy already to feeling like a three-headed, undateable swamp monster in the space of approximately three seconds. The nerve of this girl. Definitely!

I see Melissa's ears turn pink and it's at this moment that I realise I just said that last part out loud. Shit.

Melissa clears her throat. "Um, I'm sorry. That did not come out right. What I meant to say is that you're not like the other people I've dated because you don't seem like an emotionally unavailable nightmare."

She literally looks so uncomfortable with her cheeks now even redder than her ears but she plows on regardless, "Uh, sometimes I think that I just pick these really awful people to piss my parents off. I guess it's because..."

Melissa seems to catch herself before she says something too personal. "Well, that's not really important. Anyways, I'm sure it would be a refreshing change with my parents if they weren't constantly mad at me because I have a super sketchy girlfriend."

My heart softens a bit in my chest. "Good save," I say with a minor grin. "In that case, I think we're doing this."

Melissa's flaming cheeks seem to have calmed down a bit and she gives me resolute nod.

My smile widens as I think about how unlikely it is that our mismatched star-signs would align and that we'd end up right here, right now. This may be the best choice we've ever made or it could screw us up forever. Nevertheless, I can't wait for us to surprise the whole school.