Full Throttle

Chapter 7 - Now That We Don't Talk

I have the weirdest feeling right now. I'm lying in bed, under my cosy blue comforter. The curtains are closed and everything is silent. That should be more than enough reason for me to be asleep now but it's like my mind just cannot relax. I turn on my bedside lamp and open my phone in an attempt to distract my very busy mind.

It doesn't seem to help though so I place my phone back on my bedside table and decide to just stare at the ceiling. The whole day it's felt like I was a different person who was just watching the events of today from the outside. Like I didn't get to decide what I did or said at any point.

Over the last sixteen hours, my life has taken a complete one-eighty turn and I think my mind is still working overtime trying to catch up with everything that happened today. I just can't decide how I feel about the whole Chase situation. My head is telling me that what I did was completely justified. That he was the one who had wrecked our friendship and that there was nothing wrong with me not wanting to try and revive our corpse of a relationship. 

My heart, on the other hand, is telling me that we've been friends for ages and that throughout our years of friendship, this has been the only time he's really hurt me. It's telling me that it was silly to throw our relationship away over one indiscretion.

Honestly, I'm still not fully sure if I should be listening to my head or my heart. I think listening to my head is the healthier choice for me though so despite my uncertainty, I try to block out thoughts of sympathy for and regret about Chase. I keep telling myself that no friend would ever do what he did to me. I keep telling myself that even though it doesn't feel good, I did the right thing with him.

The me from a few hours ago was so sure about ending my friendship with Chase but the current me can't shake this feeling of guilt. I don't know why I feel it and I know that I shouldn't feel it but unfortunately, I do. The look on his face at the end of our conversation or fight or whatever you want to call it, is burned into my brain. Up until today, I never imagined that I would be the person to cause him that kind of pain.

And yes, I know that he hurt me first but that does not ease my churning stomach one bit. I can't help reliving him begging me to talk, begging me not to walk away. And that in response, I just gave him a blank look with zero emotion or feeling behind it, turned around and walked away. The lightness and relief that I'd felt walking away from Chase, like a serious weight had been lifted off my shoulders, is somehow a distant memory despite the fact that barely any time has passed since then.

Now, I just feel incredibly heavy. Like my chest is being weighed down by a gigantic boulder that I can't quite seem to get rid of. My eyes start to fill with tears but I wipe them away and tell myself to think about the positives. A lot of good has happened today too.

For one, the world didn't come to an end because people at school found out I'm bisexual. In my mind, I'd always imagined that it would be like a bomb went off if the student body of Somerset High ever found out. I know that there has been a lot of talking about me and probably like a million rumours about me that have been spread across the school but it's okay. I'm okay and that's what really counts.

A knock on the door breaks me out of reverie. 

"Come in," I say skeptically. I was pretty sure my parents had already gone to bed.

The door creeks open and my mother steps in with a concerned look on her face.

"I saw that your light's on. Are you okay, Isobel?" she asks.

I look at her face filled with worry and her arms wrapped around herself. Her fingers anxiously fiddling with the tie on her lilac-coloured dressing gown and her pale blond hair all over the place. I don't know if I should tell her what happened today with Chase and everything else. I mean, I want to. Believe me, I really do want to.

The only problem is that telling her about today would involve telling her about my sexuality. Besides the fact that that does not seem like a conversation we should be having in the middle of the night without my dad here, I don't think I'm ready to tell her yet.

Everyone at school knowing that I'm bisexual feels like a big enough step for today. I think telling my mom would just be too much. This day has already been too much.

I'm about to tell my mom that I'm fine, that there's no need to worry and that she should just go back to bed. That is until I remember who I'm talking to, my mom is the kind of parent who constantly says that I can tell her anything. The difference between her and the thousands of other parents who say this is that she actually means it. I can tell her literally anything.

Now you may be wondering, why wouldn't I just tell her about my sexuality then? I was actually just really hoping that I could come to terms with being bisexual before anybody else knew. As we all know though, the opportunity to tell people when I was ready is now long gone. 

I just at least want to be able to tell my parents when I'm ready. Although that may also be problematic considering how fast news and gossip spreads around the small town of Somerset. However, no matter what happens, it will definitely take my parents several days to find out about me from other people so I still have a little bit of time to decide how I want to tell them. 

Anyways, my mom is still looking at me expectantly so I decide to tell her part of the truth.

"I'm not actually, Mom. Chase and I kind of aren't friends anymore."

The worry in her expression deepens and she moves across the room to sit beside me on my bed. She brushes some hair back from my face and asks,

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Yes," I reply. "Basically, I just found out that he was spreading rumours about me all over school. He said some really horrible things about me. Then, this afternoon, we got into this massive fight and he tried to blame everything on me. Like I'd somehow forced him to do all of this. Long story short, I told him that I don't think we should talk anymore and um, that's pretty much it."

She gives me a sad smile. "I'm so sorry that happened to you, Honey. That was the last thing I would have expected from Chase. For heaven sakes, the two of you have been inseparable since I can remember."

"I guess a lot of the time you don't really know people as well as you thought you did. I actually don't think you really know people at all a lot of the time."

She shakes her head. "No, sometimes you really don't."

Her expression changes a little. "Okay, you may not like this," she begins, "but maybe this is for the best. What you did today was stand up for yourself and stick to your boundaries. Sometimes in relationships, we gradually begin to let things go and allow people to treat us without respect and because this happens so gradually, we barely even notice that we're doing it. Sometimes, I think the only way to get back to your dignity is to leave the situations that cause you to lower your standards in the first place. Anyways, Isobel, you're a clever girl with really good judgement and if ending your friendship with Chase is what your gut was telling you to do in the moment, I have no doubt that you made the right decision."

I reach out from under the covers and take her hand in mine. She squeezes my hand supportively in response and I let out a long, uninhibited and almost manic laugh.

My mom looks over at me in surprise. "What's so funny?"

"Mom, I have literally been lying here for ages wondering if I did the right thing and yet one word from you later saying that you're sure I did the right thing and I feel a hundred times better."

Her eyes crinkle at the corners, a grin spreads across her face and she shrugs her shoulders nonchalantly. "What can I say? I'm a mother. Fixing things is what we do." 

At this, I laugh even harder and it's like I can barely remember the misery I felt mere moments ago. It's at times like these, when my mother knows just the right thing to say that I fully comprehend just how lucky I am to have her. No matter how dark the world may get around me, I know that I always have her in my corner.