Full Throttle

Chapter 10 - The Best Day

My heart is racing and my mouth is as dry as a bone. We're all sitting on my bed in my room. Me, my mom and my dad. It's close to ten o'clock at night and they are looking at me expectantly.

All I told them is that I have something very serious and important to discuss with them. It's already been a few days since I was outed at school so I know that I have to tell them now unless I want them to find out through the grapevine of Somerset gossipers.

Like I've told myself hundreds if not thousands of times, I know that my parents will have zero issues with my sexuality. I know that they will still love and accept me no matter what. I think the hardest pill to swallow about my sexuality has been my own shame about being bisexual.

All I've ever wanted when it comes to this conversation that we are about to have is that I am happy and comfortable with who I am before I reveal everything to my parents. I feel like I finally, finally am which is such an amazing feeling it's practically indescribable. 

What I still can't believe is that I tried to come to terms with my sexuality for ages. Day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year. And throughout all of that time, I never really came close to being fully okay with who I am and my sexuality. Yet, within a mere few days after being outed by Chase, I had somehow, by some sort of miracle, managed to find what I'd been searching for for so very long: self-acceptance. 

Seemingly, all it took for me to be accepting of myself was a little push. Okay, actually quite a big push but you know what I mean. I think this revelation about myself is one of the main reasons why I can't even be angry about the situation with Chase as a whole. What he did to me was so shitty and wrong and uncalled for. However, it has allowed me to get to the point where I am happy to be me and where I feel like I don't have to hide who I actually am and pretend to be someone else.

What Chase did is something I will never be able to forgive as long as I'm alive but I think a small part of me will always be grateful for what happened between us. Grateful not only for the fact that he showed me his true colours before we became more involved with one another but also appreciative of the fact that without the circumstances forced at me by Chase, I don't think I would be here. Telling my parents what I'm about to tell them and despite the butterflies fluttering all over the place in my stomach, feeling really good that I'm going to tell them that I'm bisexual.

"So," I begin, with my hands in my lap trying to disguise the fact that they're lightly shaking. "There is something really, really important and serious that I've been meaning to tell you guys for a long time now. Much longer than I'd like to admit. Anyways, it's been weighing on my mind a lot that I haven't spoken to the two of you about this but I felt like I needed to wait until I felt comfortable with it before telling you about it."

My father with his eagle eyes still manages to notice my shaking hands so he pulls them from my lap and takes them in his own hands. He gives my hands a gentle squeeze of encouragement and smiles at me.

"You know, Isobel," he says, with his dark brown eyebrows drawn together in concern, "there is literally nothing you could ever tell your mom and I that would make us love you any less or feel disappointed in you in any way. I need you to know that now and I really hope that you knew that before. I would never want you to feel like you can't come to us." His amber, almond-shaped eyes glaze over a little bit and he smiles at me through the tears clearly brimming in his eyes. "Anyways, Sweetheart, what is it that you wanted to tell us?"

I take a long, deep breath and close my eyes for a split second. This is it. I'm going to do it right now and I couldn't feel happier about it. "Mom, dad," I say, looking at each of them in turn. "What I wanted to tell you... is that I'm bisexual."

My parents look at each other for a fraction of a second before practically tackling me into a group hug. They squeeze me tightly and it feels like we're all just a tangle of sobbing messes. The relief I feel at getting that off my chest in an almost surreal kind of feeling. This is a moment that I'd imagined in my head so many times for so long that it finally happening feels like I must be dreaming. 

I burrow myself further into the hug and hold my parents even tighter. I don't know how I got so lucky to have the two of them. My excellent father with his unbelievable strength that makes me feel stronger every single day. His wit, insane intelligence and kind heart like no other. My mom who is just the prettiest lady in the whole wide world inside and out who makes me feel like everything will always be okay because I have her. She is the bravest person I've ever known and even though I know she does get afraid sometimes, it seems she's not scared of anything at all.

I have quite literally the utmost respect and love for my mother and father. They are good people and incredibly good parents and I will forever wonder how it is that I so fantastically won the lottery and got to be their daughter.

It is at this moment that I have to break up our warm and special hug because my oxygen is pretty much being completely cut off right now with how solidly I am being gripped in this hug. I try to pull away slightly in an attempt to get some air into my lungs but to no avail as I'm immediately pulled right back in.

Through a mixture of laughing and crying, I manage to say, "Can't. Breathe. Guys."

My mom and dad instantly loosen their grip on me and sit backwards laughing.

"Sorry, honey," my mom says still chuckling with her hair very messed up from that hug and her cheeks streaked with mascara after all of the crying.

My father slowly stops laughing, audibly snivels and tries to compose himself. "Isobel," he tries to say but his voice is so thick, it sounds more like Ibooble. 

He shakes his head, wiping some remaining tears from his eyes, and clears his throat. "Isobel," he tries again, more successfully this time. "I am so glad that you told us that. I know that you said we didn't but I just seriously hope that your mom and I didn't make you feel like you couldn't tell us that."

His eyes fill with more tears. "Crap," he mumbles, wiping at his eyes once again. 

"Lydia," he says looking towards my mom. "I think you have to take over."

She giggles at that. "That is no problem," she replies to my dad. "Honey, I think all in all, what we want you to know... No, what we need you to know is that you are perfect in our eyes just the way you are. You are the sweetest, most generous and caring daughter we could ever ask for and we are beyond lucky to have you. What you also need to know is that who you want to and choose to love will never, ever change how we feel about you. As long as you treat whoever you are with right and they treat you with just as much respect and decency in return, we will support you. The most important thing in the world for your father and I is your happiness so as long as you are happy, literally nothing else matters in the least."

A few tears slip down my cheeks and I have to take several deep breaths before I can respond. "Thank you, mom," I say in a shaking voice. "Thank you, dad. You have literally no idea how much it means to me to hear you say those words." I pause, pulling them both in for another hug, hopefully less bone-crushing than the last one. "I love you."

"We love you so much too, Sweetie," my parents reply basically in unison.

It is right now, in this moment that I think about all of the times that my parents have held me in their arms when I'm sad and shown up exactly when I've needed them to time after time. I also think about all of the purely good and joyful times with them. Whether we're eating an ice-cream in the park or watching a movie marathon in our pyjamas or trying and desperately failing to play a decent game of charades. I realise that throughout all of the years, with different relationships that I've had constantly beginning and ending, my parents have always been the one constant presence in my life. They have been the reason for all of my best days and I think that is a very special thing.