Full Throttle

Chapter 1 - You're on Your Own, Kid

I'm on my own. Literally and metaphorically. I guess I always have been. Okay, maybe not always but I definitely am right now. See, I have this friend, Chase. He's so great and we've known each other since kindergarten but now, I've pretty much wrecked everything and I don't even know why I did it.

So yesterday, he asked me to meet him at this really fancy restaurant, saying he'd made a reservation for 20:00. Now, looking back this really should have been my first clue that something was up cause that place was not even remotely our scene and since when was he the kind of guy who made reservations? Anyways, I was an absolute idiot and I thought nothing of it and just showed up at the restaurant last night. He was already there waiting at our table when I arrived and once again, I missed the incredibly obvious signs that this wasn't just going to be a normal dinner together. Thinking back, he looked SO nervous. The sweat above his brow and his very noticeable foot tapping should have told me all that I needed to know. 

Unfortunately, despite all the signs, I was absolutely clueless and thinking that everything was fine. I told the friendly, brunette host that I was meeting up with Chase and then I walked over to our table. When I reached the table, he grinned at me and got up to pull my chair out for me. 

Once we were seated, we just started chatting about school and our days. We ordered, had our meal and had what I thought was a pretty regular night. That was until we decided to take a walk through the park to cap off the night and he seemed to get really uncomfortable. He told me that he had something serious to discuss with me so we sat on a bench. I told him to just get it off his chest and that I was his friend so he could tell me anything. He froze up a little at the mention of us being friends and after a silence that seemed to last for hours, he finally began speaking.

"Look, you know that I really value our friendship, right?"

I nodded. STILL not getting what he was about to say.

He swallowed nervously and his Adam's apple bobbed up and back down. "The thing is... I don't think that's enough for me anymore."

"Chase-", I started to say before he cut me off.

"Izzy, please just let me say this. I've liked you as much more than a friend for ages now and I didn't say anything because I didn't want to ruin what we have as friends. But lately, I've gotten the feeling that you like me back and that's why I invited you out tonight... because I wanted to ask you in person if you would maybe... perhaps like to go out with me. Like on a date. A proper date. What do you say?"

It was at this moment that he looked at me waiting for me to say yes and instead of doing that, I just said... well, nothing. I just kept staring at him like a deer caught in the headlights and I could see hurt flashing across his face as if I'd hit him.

He was biting back tears. "Well, I guess I have my answer then."

He gave me a look filled with so much anger and hurt and then he abruptly got up and just started speed walking away.

I got up and ran after him. "Wait! Come on, Chase, let's talk about this."

He stopped at that, turned around to face me with tears in his eyes and yelled, "Oh, so now you want to talk about it? Seriously! I laid myself bare and told you how I was feeling and what did you have to say to that? Oh yeah, absolutely fucking nothing! So no, we are definitely not going to 'talk about this'. You had your chance to talk and you have made your feelings crystal clear so at least let me leave with a single ounce of dignity."

I could feel tears streaming down my cheeks, probably streaking eyeliner all over my face.

"Okay," I said in a small voice as he turned once again and left me standing shell shocked and alone in the park.

My hands immediately started shaking and I just collapsed to my knees on the grass. A violent river of tears flooded my eyes and I let out a guttural sob. I stayed there for a while but eventually, I gathered my composure and took the bus home.

This is how I ended up here - sitting on my bed in complete and utter disbelief.

Chase Donovan had asked me out. It was something I'd daydreamed about countless times and yet when it did finally happen, I had rejected him. Did I want to go out with him? Yes. Did I like him back? Definitely. Did I have any reason to flat out reject him? Not one.

So you may be wondering, what was I thinking? And in all honesty, I have literally no clue.

I keep replaying everything that happened last night in my mind and wondering if I will ever be able to cleanse my brain so that all I see isn't the look of total hurt and betrayal on his face. 

Right now, it's 7:30 and I can hear the school bus honking from outside my window. As much as I don't want to face this day, I know I have to so I grab my backpack off my desk chair and make my way downstairs.

I give my mother a kiss on the cheek goodbye and tell her that nothing's wrong when she asks. She doesn't seem very convinced but she lets me go anyways and I get onto the bus.

The sound of chatter was almost unbearable as I looked for a seat. I tried to zone it out until I started hearing my name. Over and over again.

"... Isobel's secret..."

"No, Isobel can't be..."

"... it can't be true, not Isabel..."

"Isn't Isabel straight?"

That last comment really caught my attention. I'm bisexual but I haven't been ready to tell people yet. My heart sinks to the floor as the realisation hits. I may be pretty on my own in the world right now and even though it's the last thing I want to do, I can face this today, I have to face him because the thing is, I haven't told anyone that I'm bisexual... expect Chase.