~<*>~ Pain in me ~<*>~

Chapter 43

The house is empty, but it's filled with memories that Mingyu wishes he could just throw away. It's consuming him, eating him alive. The pain is unbearable, the tears are burning in his cheeks. His lungs keep gasping for air, his head feel dizzy. It's like Wonwoo took everything inside of Mingyu with him. His heart doesn't beat like it used to, his lungs don't fill with air anymore. Mingyu can't even tell what he feels while he's walking circles in the living room. Today is december 27th, only two days after the worst day of his life. Mingyu couldn't even come to the funeral yesterday, it simply hurts too much. Is he a bad friend for doing so? Mingyu sighs deeply as he grabs a photo of Wonwoo and him that is standing on the counter. 
"Why did you leave me?" he whispers softly, as if Wonwoo would answer.
"Why did you do this to me? Why didn't you try harder to heal?" he keeps asking, while his voice is getting angrier.
"Am I not good enough to live for!?" he yells while he slams the photo on the ground, causing the glass to break. Mingyu looks at it panting for a few seconds before he falls down on his knees and sobs his heart out. He can't do this, not alone. 
"I can't fight them, Wonwoo", he mumbles. "Not without you by my side." After a few minutes, Mingyu wipes his tears away. He should eat, or do something useful. But when he gets up, his head is so dizzy that he's forced to stand in place for a brief moment. And when his feet have dragged him to the kitchen eventually, he can't even get himself to eat. Mingyu leans against the counter defeated and puts his head down when he suddenly gets a phone call. He forces himself to pick up.
"Hello?" he asks.
"Hi, it's me", Dino says on the other side of the line.
"What do you want?" Mingyu asks meaner than he meant to.
"I want to know how you're doing," Dino asks patiently, "have you eaten?"
"I just finished my meal", Mingyu lies and he hears Dino humming in approval. 
"Look, I know you don't like me that much, but I'm a little worried about you", Dino admits. "So I'm going to ask you something that you might not want to do, but it's for your own good, okay?"
Mingyu massages his temples in thought. What could Dino possibly ask? 
"You're going to ask anyway, aren't you?" he mumbles and Dino chuckles.
"You know me", he says and Mingyu can't help but roll his eyes.
"Fine, go ahead", Mingyu gives in, knowing he didn't have another choice.
"I know Wonwoo had some medicine left, I think they're special painkillers or something?" Dino asks and Mingyu gasps hearing Wonwoo's name. His throat starts to hurt and his eyes are filling with tears, but he coughs to hide it. 
"Yeah", he answers, biting through the pain.
"Maybe it's good for you if you throw them away. You don't need them", Dino suggests and Mingyu can't hide his disbelief. How dares Dino ask him that?
"It will be better for you, it'll help your grieving process", Dino adds when he notices what Mingyu's thinking. Mingyu sighs deeply, but gives in eventually.
"Fine", he says while he walks towards the bathroom. He grabs the medicines, they're two little jars filled with painkillers. Mingyu briefly closes his eyes, breaths in and walks towards the trash bin right next to the closet. He holds his hand above it, ready to drop the medicines and with it a piece of Wonwoo. But he hesitates.
"Did you throw it away already?" Dino asks, but Mingyu keeps staring at his hand. Is he really ready to do this? Isn't this way too soon?
"Mingyu?" Dino repeats, pulling him out of his zone.
"Yeah, I threw them away", Mingyu lies, still looking at the two jars in his hand.
"Good, I'm proud of you", Dino says softly, but Mingyu still feels empty.
"I'm going to hang up now, bye", Mingyu quickly says before he pushes the red button and puts his phone away. Tears are already streaming down his cheeks, burning their paths in them. With shaking hands Mingyu places the jars back in the closet. When he looks in the mirror, he almost throws up. He looks horrible, red eyes, wet cheeks, messy hair. He places his hand on the mirror to hide his face, but it changes nothing. He can't do it. He can't move on. And he doesn't know if he can hold this much longer.

That night, Mingyu wakes up drenched in sweat. In his dream, he saw Wonwoo. He was so happy and he wanted to hug him, but Scoups suddenly appeared and pushed Wonwoo into the darkness.
"You were right," he said, "I was killing Wonwoo."
Last night, Mingyu had the same dream. It keeps making him angry because he doesn't know what to do. But one thing is clear, Scoups has something to do with Wonwoo's death. He is one of the causes because he kept pushing him. If Wonwoo had taken a rest instead of doing research at night, he would have survived. And that's what Mingyu can't bear. Mingyu is still panting and maybe it's because he's light-headed, but he suddenly feels like he has to take action. So without thinking, he grabs a flaslight and his keys and leaves the house. His feet bring him to the streets and he ignores the cold wind pushing against his body while he keeps walking. It's 2 am, so no one else is on the streets, which is something Mingyu is thankful for. After a fast walk, he arrives at the appartment and now that he's standing in front of the door, he starts to hesitate. Do it, you have to do Wonwoo justice. So Mingyu takes a deep breath and quietly forces the door open. He puts on his flashlight and walks towards the kitchen, he grabs a big knife and quietly walks towards the bedroom. And there he lies, his leader, his friend, his enemy. Scoups. Mingyu clenches his fist around the knife, he's going to do this. He will make Scoups pay for killing his soulmate. But right when he's about to stab, his flaslight shines on Scoups' arm. It shows the bruises from the robbery and Mingyu can't help but stare at it. He slowly realizes that Scoups also saved Wonwoo, like he saves everyone. No, he killed Wonwoo. Mingyu presses his lips against each other and lifts the knife. He places it right against Scoups' throat, ready to cut. 
"You killed Wonwoo, you killed Wonwoo, you...", Mingyu keeps whispering to give himself courage, but his hand starts to tremble and he takes a few steps back. The knife falls to the ground and Mingyu is now shaking. 
"You...", he mumbles, but he can't even finish the sentence. Scoups didn't kill Wonwoo, the cancer did. The cancer killed Wonwoo. The cancer. Mingyu keeps repeating it in his head until he drops down to his knees agian. This time, Scoups wakes up and first looks at him startled, but when he sees the knife and Mingyu's despair, his eyes soften and he gets out of bed to sit next to Mingyu.
"I'm sorry", Mingyu whispers before he breaks down in sobs. Scoups hugs him while he gently rubs his back. 
"It's okay," he whispers, "it's okay." 

~<*>~

When Dino wakes up, the sun is alread shining brightly. He yawns tired before he grabs his phone and puts in a reminder to call Mingyu in the evening. He decided to do this every day and ask him a small thing to put away, so that eventually Wonwoo will be out of Mingyu's house. It hurts him to do this, but he believes it's for the best. If Mingyu keeps seeing Wonwoo everywhere he goes, he won't be able to accept the fact that he's gone. Dino gets up and gets dressed before he walks out of his room to eat breakfast. He's going to visit Wonwoo's grave today, he feels like it helps him to grief. But when Dino walks past the living room, he sees Mingyu sleeping on the couch. Confused, Dino looks around only to find Scoups sitting at the kitchen table drinking his coffee. He quickly walks over to him and takes a slice of bread while he takes a seat in front of his roommate.
"Why is Mingyu sleeping in our couch?" Dino asks and Scoups blinks surprised as if he just noticed Dino sitting in front of him.
"He needed our support, he still does", Scoups answers and Dino glances at Mingyu before looking back at Scoups.
"When did you get him in?" he asks, but Scoups doesn't answer. After a few questions without answers, Dino decides he should give up. He finishes his breakast and gets up from the table to grab his jacket. 
"I'm going to the park", he says before he opens the front door and Scoups looks up and smiles.
"Have fun", he says and Dino closes the door behind him. It feels weird going to someone that isn't there, but Dino wants this to become part of his daily routine. Wonwoo was his best friend and he won't drop him that quickly. It takes about 15 minutes to reach the park, where he walks towards the forest to see one single gravestone shining bright. This is a spot with many memories and Dino still remembers every single one of them. 
"Hi", Dino says while he sits down next to the stone and lets his head rest against it.
"This feels like the old times", Dino adds and he's sure Wonwoo would agree. For a few minutes, Dino sits there in silence, listening to the sound of the river and the birds in the trees. He feels the cold breeze against his cheek, it ruffles his hair. 
"You made Mingyu quite angry, you know", Dino mumbles. When the doctor told them that Wonwoo died, Mingyu couldn't stop screaming. Scoups had to use all his force to keep him in place and the doctors even asked him to leave. Since that moment, Mingyu has been locked up in his apartment. Vernon and Seungkwan tried to visit, but he wouldn't even open his door. 
"I wish you would've stayed longer", Dino whispers and his eyes start to tear up. He truly wishes Wonwoo would've beat the cancer, then he still had his best friend and Mingyu would've been okay.
"I miss you, we all do", he adds while he wipes away a tear.
"But don't worry, I'll take care of Mingyu for you", he promises before he gets up. Dino didn't lie, he's going to make sure that Mingyu stays safe, for Wonwoo.