~<*>~ Pain in me ~<*>~

Chapter 45

When Scoups finally gets home, Dino stands up from the couch. He has waited for his roommate because the things that were said just wouldn't leave his mind. Scoups seems to realize Dino waited for him because he quickly shakes his head.
"You shouldn't wait for me", he says and Dino notices that something inside of Scoups changed.
"What happened at Mingyu's house?" Dino asks suspicious and Scoups only shrugs.
"I finally realized I don't have to keep denying all this. I'm not responsible for Wonwoo's death, so if you disagree you'll have to live with it", he answers with confidence.
"I just want to talk", Dino says firmly. He's glad Scoups isn't feeling miserable, but he needs answers.
"About what?" Scoups asks, kind of unbothered.
"First of all, Kyle called", Dino blurts out. If he starts with a good thing, maybe Scoups will give him his answers afterwards. Scoups turns his head towards him with a confused look in his eyes.
"Is he free?" he asks, but Dino shakes his head.
"No, he called from jail", he answers.
"I didn't know you could do that," Scoups mumbles puzzled, "what did he say?"
"He told me he's out in a month," Dino answers, "which means it doesn't take long before he's free." Scoups widens his eyes in disbelief but still smiles brightly.
"Oh, I'm so happy for him!" Scoups exclaims.
"He also asked if you could visit him again, apparently it has been a while", Dino adds and Scoups' smile drops immediatly.
"I don't think that's a good idea. He'll probably ask about Wonwoo and I don't know how I would react to that..." Suddenly all his confidence seems to be gone and Dino watches Scoups rub his arm uncertain.
"I'll go", Dino suggests.
"Really?" Scoups asks surprised.
"I haven't seen Kyle in ages and I think I got the courage to explain to him what happened", he says. Scoups smiles grateful and nods his head.
"Thanks," he mumbles, "I think he would like that."
"But first I would like to talk to you about what happened earlier", Dino states and Scoups sighs defeated.
"We're all sad about Wonwoo, Dino. I get it", Scoups mumbles, but Dino shakes his head.
"No, that's not what I want to talk about." Scoups blinks surprised, but lets Dino talk.
"I want to know what you were doing at night, what he said. I want to know how he felt in his last moments", Dino mutters and Scoups has a little smile on his face.
"If you want to", he says and they both sit down on the couch. Dino listens closely while Scoups talks and talks, he tells Dino about their research, about their conversations, about everything.
"I didn't know you were so concerned about Woojin", Dino says when Scoups is done talking. "Why didn't you come to me?"
"Wonwoo kind of caught me and instead of talking me out of it, he wanted to help me. He wanted to be useful." Dino slowly nods, that does sound like Wonwoo.
"Can I help, now that Wonwoo...?" Dino asks, but Scoups shakes his head.
"No, this is something I have to do", he states firmly and Dino prays that Scoups won't put too much pressure on himself. As if this is some sort of sign to Scoups, the older suddenly stands up and grabs his laptop. 
"I'm going to look into the camera footage, maybe I'll find something", Scoups says and Dino wants to object, but he knows it wouldn't help. So he just nods and lets Scoups go to his room. Maybe this is the ideal time to call Mingyu, since Dino is left alone now anyways. He takes his phone and dials the familiar number, but when he calls, Mingyu doesn't pick up. Frowning and a little bit concerned, Dino calls again. Luckily, this time Mingyu does pick up.
"Hey, I was starting to get worried", Dino greets him and he hears a sigh on the other side of the line.
"You really don't need to worry about me. I'm fine, I'm not a baby", Mingyu grunts annoyed.
"Fine, I'm sorry", Dino mumbles. He knows Mingyu is like this because he feels hurt and lost, but Dino still doesn't like him being rude. 
"What do I have to throw away now?" Mingyu asks impatient and Dino feels that he doesn't want to call right now. He feels a little bit guilty, but he knows he's doing what he thinks is best.
"Mingyu, you know I'm doing this because it will help you grief", Dino says as calm as possible.
"Yeah, yeah. I know. That doesn't mean I have to like it", Mingyu responds. "Let's just get this over with." 
"Okay, can you look in your drawer in the kitchen? The one where the snacks are?" Dino asks. A brief silence follows, but then he hears the sound of Mingyu moving and opening a little door.
"Why are you taking me to the snacks?" Mingyu asks confused.
"The M&M's", Dino states and the silence after his words is louder than the loudest scream.
"Oh", Mingyu mumbles and Dino knows he's having a hard time.
"You don't like M&M's, not even one bit", Dino continues, encouraging Mingyu into the next step.
"They were Wonwoo's favorite", Mingyu mutters sad and Dino exhales in pity.
"I know, that's why I need you to put them away. Gift them to someone, throw them in a bin, I don't care. But make sure they're not with you anymore." Dino waits patiently while he hopes Mingyu is doing as he's told.
"Oh, and grab a snack for yourself," Dino adds quickly, "you need to eat." For a while, Dino can only hear Mingyu's shakey breath and some sounds. But then Mingyu's voice sounds loud and clear.
"Done", he says. Dino smiles, feeling proud of himself. He's truly helping someone.
"Would you like to come over and eat diner with us sometime? Maybe somewhere near december 31?" Dino suggests.
"No thanks," Mingyu quickly denies, "I'm not in the mood."
"If it's about Scoups, he really didn't..."
"I know, I know." Dino still tries to figure out how to get rid of the tension between Mingyu and Scoups. He has to admit he was angry towards his roommate at first, but after hearing the story, he understands his desicions. 
"I'm proud of you, Mingyu. You're doing a really good job", Dino says after a few seconds of silence.
"Sure", Mingyu answers before he hangs up, leaving a sighing Dino behind. No matter how far he thinks he's getting towards Mingyu, another wall rises up. He feels like there's still so much that Mingyu doesn't show and Dino can't help but to feel frustrated. He wants to help, he wants to make him feel better. But how can he do that if he can't even reach him?

~<*>~

Mingyu can't tell how many days have passed without looking at his phone. He only knows that the sun is rising up without Wonwoo, and that it's unfair. How can Mingyu even live without him? Why didn't he just shoot when he had the chance? Mingyu checks his phone to see the date. December 31, New Year's Eve. Normally, he would be excited to see his friends and celebrate a new year, but now he feels terrible. How can he get through another year without Wonwoo? He doesn't know why, but something inside of Mingyu is teling him that this should be his last day. That he doesn't deserve to live any more days without his other half. Mingyu is broken, unfixable. And something that can't be fixed gets thrown away. Maybe today is the day that it's time to throw him away. It's still morning, the bright rays of sunlight touch his floor, but Mingyu keeps standing in the darkness. The only thing he does is walking to his couch and sitting down. He doesn't even move all day, he's staring in front of him, thinking back about his memories with Wonwoo as if he's watching TV. The sun climbs higher and higher, it gets noon, afternoon, evening. And still Mingyu is sitting on the couch. He didn't eat, didn't drink because he doesn't feel like eating or drinking. As if he's in trance, he slowly turns his head to look at the broken picture on the floor. Mingyu couldn't get himself to clean it up because he feels like that picture is exactly how is life is going. The bond between Mingyu and Wonwoo was beautiful, but now it's broken. And Mingyu broke it. He's past the blaming of Scoups, although he didn't really tell his leader yet. He realized that Scoups was doing what Wonwoo wanted, that he was just helping him live his life. He realized that Scoups was doing what he should have done all that time. Mingyu was so desperately trying to keep Wonwoo alive, that he forgot about the fact that he should live as well. So now he's blaming himself, because who else is there to blame? Mingyu exhales deeply while he looks at his hands, they're trembling because he isn't eating much. Suddenly, Mingyu's phone buzzes and he looks up annoyed when he sees Dino's name on the screen. He really can't have another reminder that Wonwoo is gone today. But still, Mingyu picks up. 
"Hey", Dino greets him and he only hums in response. He feels weak, too weak to even talk.
"Be quick." Mingyu forces the words out of his mouth. 
"Are you okay?" Dino asks worried and Mingyu feels the sudden need to yell and scream. Of course he's not okay, he doesn't even know what to do with his life anymore. He wants to end it all, to stop this misery. But no one can know because no one would care.
"Mingyu, you know this is for you own good", Dino adds when he doesn't get a response, but Mingyu is just getting more and more tensed. Why didn't he end this already? What is he still waiting for? Is he waiting for Wonwoo to come back? Why would Wonwoo even want to come back to someone like him? Everyone around him has lost someone important, but they were all able to move on. Why can't he? Maybe he's not meant to live like this. Maybe his life was only meant for Wonwoo. And now that he's gone, Mingyu has become completely useless. 
"I'll get this over with, I was thinking that maybe you could...", Dino continues, but Mingyu can't handle another word.
"Oh, fuck off!" Mingyu yells, feeling some sort of rage rush through him. He hears Dino gasp, but he's too tensed to care. His heart is racing and his breath quickens as he tries to hold himself together. If he's not even able to throw one simple thing away every day, then what can he still do? It's not like he's eating, drinking or sleeping. Does his life still have meaning?
"Mingyu...", Dino mumbles shocked, but Mingyu can't handle the overwhelming thoughts in his head right now. They're all screaming, trying to get attention.
"Just stop!" Mingyu yells. "Stop." But the voices don't stop, they only get louder and louder, until they scream the same thing: Do it, now. Gasping for air, Mingyu hangs up and puts his phone away before he gets up and stumbles to the bathroom. He has to make them stop, they need to stop. With shaking hands, Mingyu opens the little closet and grabs the two jars of medicine. Suddenly feeling hungry, he opens them and throws the pills into his mouth. This should help, this should make it stop. He keeps on shaking while he drops the jars to the ground and leans on the sink to catch his breath. It will all be over soon, just hold on a little longer. But Mingyu feels worse, his breath quickens even more, his heart seems to be beating out of his chest. He's hot, he needs water. Quickly, Mingyu opens the tap and throws the cold water on his face, but it doesn't work. He needs to drink some water, he has to go to the kitchen. He stumbles towards the living room, but on his way his head starts to feel dull. The voices quiet down, as if they're put to sleep. Mingyu exhales relieved, he did it. He stopped his misery. But then his sight turns black for a few seconds and he drops to the floor. He doesn't even feel any pain, just relief. It's going to be over, his pain is over. When his sight returns, he stares at the broken picture near him. I'm ready, Wonwoo. I'm coming. When his sight turns black again and the sounds of fireworks around him start to fade, he doesn't even feel scared. He just feels hope, hope that he might see his other half again.