My lawyer {BBANGSAZ}

Chapter 6

Warning: self harm, suicide and violence

Hanni

BAM! 

My phone landed with a soft thumping noise as I collapsed to the ground, holding my chest and gasping for air desperately. Tears streamed uncontrollably down my face like a flooded ocean, my head pounding, my breathing as ragged as sharp knives. My cries only echoed in the vast expanse of the lonely night, unheard and unanswered. I didn't mind though, nobody needed to see me like this.

Of course the world decided to tear me apart even more than I already was. It was trying to break me down to the tiniest fibres of my being. I weakly grabbed at my bed, using it to support myself and get up. My whole body was shaking and my legs felt like jelly. I forced myself to trudge to the kitchen, fumbling with the light switch. I needed relief, I needed the pain to stop. 

Yes, I never realised I've been scratching my arm until Minji pointed it out, but I was hiding a lot more than that. I opened the drawer abruptly, pulling out an old broken piece of glass. Guilt washed over me at my own thoughts, but I needed it, it was a drug I've become addicted to. 

I lifted my shirt up, staring at the scars that painted my stomach. I was about to do it when I remembered something. 

I don't want to breathe

I want you to

Minji said she wanted me to breathe, she wanted me to live. My hand froze above the pale skin of my stomach, and I for once, hesitated. It was no secret to me that sometimes I harm myself in hope that perhaps I would take it too far, I've felt like this since I was 5, so why was I hesitating now? Because of that cute bear called Kim Minji?

Still breathing heavily, I let my shirt fall back in place, tears still falling down my cheeks as I turned to the bin. Slowly, I let the piece of glass slip into the plastic lining, flinching at the pain as it cut my finger. 

I watched the blood that flowed out of the small slash, before forcing myself to treat it. After that, I slumped onto my bed, the moonlight shining on me. I closed my eyes, curling up and tried to calm myself down. 

It didn't help though, because the images of that stupid nightmare still danced around my head like a bunch of hungry hyenas. I whimpered, clutching at my sheets, wishing this shit could just end. I'm so fucking tired, I just want to sleep and never wake up again.

Without really thinking, I slip out of bed, grabbing my coat and pulling on my shoes. I ran to Haerin's house, my heart racing as though trying to escape from me, my breathing following suit as oxygen left me.

I pounded desperately on Haerin's door, leaning against it for support and weakly crying out. 

"Unnie? What the fuck?" the cat eyed girl finally appeared at the door, visibly and rightfully shaken up by my sudden appearance at 1 am at night. Her hair was slightly messed up and her voice was husky like it is when she just woke up. 

I collapsed into her arms, my body shivering from the cold of the cruel night. Haerin pulled me in, helping me sit on the couch as she rushed to the kitchen. She came back with two mugs of hot chocolate and she offered me one, sitting down beside me.

"Want to talk about it?" Haerin tilted her head, her voice soft with concern and a tint of curiosity. 

"I...I dreamt about that night again...and my parents again..i...it was too much...I...I nearly did it again," I whispered, my voice trembling. Hae knew about my cutting, but she didn't know that I wanted to die. But I think sometimes she can tell, though I never say it and she never addresses it. 

She sipped on her hot chocolate, sighing and getting up. I sat there alone, feeling the weight of my stresses and thoughts pressing down on me. Hae finally came back with a soft fluffy baby blanket. She collapsed onto the couch, covering both of us with the soft material.

"Let's just watch a movie yeah? You love movies," she suggested, a smile on her face as she wrapped a comforting arm around me. I simply nodded, my body finally relaxing after the terrifying panic attack I had earlier. 

~ 2 years ago ~

My head was throbbing and my whole body felt like I've just been hit by a loaded truck. My eyes felt heavy, and I struggled to keep them open. My eyelids felt like lead at this moment. When I finally regained my ability to keep my eyes open, I took in my surroundings. I was in an abandoned car park, the smooth wooden concrete contrasting with the roughness of the red bricks that built the walls. It was freezing in here and the only sign of an exit was the metal garage door. 

I tried to move, but a sharp pain shot through my head. I closed my eyes as I winced, a single tear escaping my eye. I looked down, my vision blurry but I could tell I was tied down to a metal bed frame. But instead of ropes, my wrists and ankles were restrained with metal cuffs. It looked like high technology.

"Oh, You're awake," a gruff voice sounded out.

I turned my head the best I could, unable to speak because my mouth was gagged. The man that approached me didn't look much older than me and I was only 18. He was skinny and had his face covered by a mask and cap. 

"I heard you're a great lawyer, too smart for your own good," he chuckled, the sound bitter. He took out a controller from his pocket, and a dagger from his belt. I furrowed my brows in confusion as he placed it in my palm, forcing me to close my hand into a fist so I was holding it.

He then backed up, I could feel his intense gaze even though his eyes weren't visible.

He pressed a button on the controller and the next thing I knew, I was crying out in pain, the dagger digging into my stomach. He wasn't anywhere near me, I was so confused and scared. That's when I noticed my own hand in my field of vision. The cuff the restraint me had one of those foil tubes used for robot arms. Shit. This is so fucked up.

"Just keep silent and don't do your job lawyer, and I might let you go,"

"Please ma'am! Don't j...jump!" I exclaimed desperately. 

The wind blew wildly through my hair as though sensing my distress. The sky above was dull and grey, the clouds concealing the sun from view. My former client stood at the edge of the rooftop, staring back at me with teary eyes.

Guilt gnawed at me. I was too weak, and too stupid to bring her justice. I failed her and now she was in so much despair that it came to this. I knew that. That's why I didn't need to hear it again.

"You have no right to tell me not to do this!! This is all your fault you stupid useless woman!! The only thing you're good at is ruining people's lives, but you get away with it because you have a pretty face!! HOW DID MY SISTER END UP WITH A USELESS BITCH LIKE YOU AS HER DAUGHTER?! MAYBE THAT'S WHY SHE DIDN'T FIND ANY REASON TO CONTINUE FIGHTING AGAINST HER CANCER!! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!" my aunt yelled at me, her each and every word stabbing into my heart, leaving wounds that can never heal. My heart tore itself into millions of pieces, well beyond repair.

I couldn't move, I couldn't speak. I could only watch as she stepped backward.

"Please, don't," I weakly cried out, holding out my hand. She only shook her head, before stepping back once more and disappearing from my sight before I could do anything.