Sergeant Barnes: The First Avenger

Without Him

Bucky's POV:
The sounds of my fists striking the punching bag echoes throughout the room. Lights dangle from the ceiling and rings for boxing matches sit in the corners. The sounds, the feeling of sweat trickling down my spine, it all fades out to static. Steve falling off the train. Another punch. His scream filling my ears. Strike to the centre of the bag. HYDRA experimenting on me. The plane diving down towards the ocean. Whack to the side. Peggy's voice, "You won't be alone."
Steve's voice, "How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you." I fuel every punch, every strike with my anger. Beating it all into the punching bag. It falls off of the hook, exploding into a mess of fabric and sawdust. I pant for breath, letting my thoughts try to settle. I wipe my hair out of my face, the sweat clinging to each strand. Walking over to the punching bags, I pick up one with ease and attach it to the hook. I sigh and square up to the bag. Starting slow with my punches, trying not to let the memories get the better of me.

"Trouble sleeping?" A voice asks over my punches. I turn in it's direction to find Nick Fury standing in the doorway. I sigh. Yes, Steve's death still haunts me even when I'm conscious. "I slept for 70 years, sir. I think I've had my fill." I resume punching the bag. "Then you should be out, celebrating, seeing the world." he states. 'No. Not without him.' I think, instantly seeing Steve at the thought. I stop punching the bag, letting myself catch my breath. "When I went under, the world was at war. I wake up, they say we won. They didn't say what we lost." I state, stripping myself from the hand wrap and placing it inside my gym bag. "We've made some mistakes along the way. Some, very recently." Nick says to me, his voice just as deep as I remember from a year ago. That's when I notice that he's holding a lightly packed folder. "Are you here with a mission, sir?" I ask. "I am." He replies.
"Trying to get me back in the world?"
"Trying to save it." he states, turning the folder round and thrusting it in my direction. My eyes glance over it, intrigued. Taking the folder out of his hand, I sit down on a nearby stool. An image of a blue cube etitled 'Tesseract' stares up at me. I instantly recognise it. "HYDRA's secret weapon." I state, taking the next document out of the file. An old image of the Tesseract stares at me alongside notes and the HYDRA symbol with the word 'secret' stamped in blood red ink. "Howard Stark fished that out of the ocean when he was looking for you." Nick explains, catching my attention. "He thought what we think. The Tesseract could be the key to unlimited sustainable energy. That's something the world sorely needs." Nick explains.

"Who took it from you?" I ask, handing the folder back to him.
"He's called Loki. He's not from around here. There's alot we'll have to bring you up to speed on if you're in. The world has gotten even starnger than you already know." Nick explains.
I start to stand, "At this point, I doubt anything would surprise me." a scoff escaping my throat.
"Ten bucks says you're wrong." he states. I grab my gym bag and lump a punching bag over my shoulder, walking out of the room. "There's a debreifing packet waiting for you back in your apartment. Is there anything you can tell us about the Tesseract that we ought to know now?" he asks.
"You should've left it in the ocean." I state, exiting the gym.
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I clamber up the flight of stairs towards my apartment, nodding to my neighbour, Kate, along the way. Taking out my key, I unlock the door and step inside. S.H.I.E.L.D gave me the apartment not long after I had woken up, ever since I've been trying to make it feel more like the one me and Steve had back in Brooklyn. I dump my gym bag by the door and flop down on the sofa, not bothering to take my shoes off. Sleep feels unwelcome to my body as I have rolled over onto my side, glancing over at an image of me and Steve before the war, before HYDRA, before...

I roll over, face turned to the back of the sofa. I try to hold back the tears, no use. I scream. Scream until my lungs are sore. Scream until my eyes hurt from the burning of tears. I can't do anything but scream and grip onto a nearby pillow.

An hour goes by. My throat now dry and starchy, my eyes all puffy from the tears which have now turned into gentle sobs. I want to break something. I want to break something so anyone who enters knows that I'm not okay...so they know that despite all of this time that's passed, it all still hurts. It hasn't left my mind...his screams...the look on his face before he fell...the guilt I felt. It all washes over me. Drowns me. Every day.

I don't get up from the sofa. I don't even move. I just stare at the ceiling, eyes unfocused and dazed. A knock rattles my door. "Not now." I state, my voice raspy and hoarse. The knocking continues. "I said not now!" It doesn't stop. I thrust myself up from the sofa and rip the door open. Kate stands on the other side. She jumps at the sudden opening of my door. I let myself calm down a little seeing her. "I was just wondering if you were alright. I heard screaming coming from your apartment and I just wanted to check on you." She states, straightening out her scrubs and tucking some of her blonde hair behind her ear.

"Umm.. yup. Yeah, I'm okay." I say, wiping away the stray tears on my face. "You sure?" She asks, sending a small smile my way. I nod and thank her. She waves, and walks towards her apartment. Shutting the door, I sigh as I let myself side down it, burying my face in my arms.