The Pompous and The Prick

Chapter 29: Objection!

As it turns out, court was a lot more boring and a lot longer than TV and movies made it seem. Asmodeus had denied giving Blitz or Stolas a drug or anything else that might aid in an assassination attempt on Lucifer, saying that they had just tried to set them up on a date. Fizz said the same, glossing over the long, complicated history he and Blitz had together and just saying that they've been friends since they were kids and he wanted him to stop moping. But it was argued that of course they would deny it. Andrealphus even went as far as to imply that Ozz's trial would be next unless they found a way to settle out of court. The shameless ask for a bribe went completely unchecked by the judge as they moved on to other witnesses.

The restaurant's security cameras were all conveniently broken. While the waiter said they did serve them that night and there wasn't anything suspicious about it, the host who Blitz had threatened wasn't as friendly and told blatant lies about what they had been talking about. Stolas had to physically grab onto Blitz once or twice to keep him from jumping out of his seat and launching himself at the restaurant host like an angry cat.

That's when Fizz was called up to the stand once again, this time wearing big boots.

"Please swear that the evidence that you are about to give is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so damn you Lucifer?" The hellhound officer held out a goat skull as Therapist Robo Fizz placed his hand on top of it.

"Fuck." He said.

"Thank you. Now that you've sworn in, you may sit at the witness stand." The hellhound stepped away.

The robo fizz used his extendable arms and did a double back handspring into the chair.

"Show offs." The real fizz mumbled in the back, pouting.

" 'Sup." He leaned back and propped his legs up on the bar in front of him. The judge didn't bother correcting him, having already dealt with the real one.

"Mr. Fizz-" Andrealphus began.

"Please, call me Dr. Fizzie." He interrupted.

"You're not a doctor! I know that for a fact!" The real Fizz shouted.

"Could the peanut gallery pipe down? A real artist is on the stage now." The robo Fizz gave a casual shooing motion.

"You can't just call yourself a doctor, that's, like, fraud! You're not qualified!" Fizz shouted.

"You're not qualified to be fucking a sin!" The robot mocked.

"Woah, now." Asmodeus stood.

"Oops! Sorry, daddy." The robo Fizz rolled his eyes, "Didn't mean to upset you. It's such an honor to meet my maker."

"Enough of this." The judge struck his gavel, "Prosecution, please continue. And please call him Robo Fizz for the sake of clarity."

Therapist Fizzie pouted and sank in his chair, "Well, you can't get me to talk, anyway. Doctor patient con-fidelity or some shit."

"Even if that were a thing in hell, there is an exception for things like risk to royal safety." The judge said in monotone.

"Wait, it's not a thing in hell? Damnit! If it weren't for the risk of destruction, I could be making so much money on blackmail!" He remarked.

"Robo Fizz, if you would kindly cooperate-" Andrealphus started.

"No! But I will rudely cooperate. Hit me with your questions, bird face."

He let out a long sigh, "You are Stolas's therapist, is that correct?"

"Yeah, I'm his shoulder to whine on." He replied.