Chaotic Love

Sing A Truth (NoI)

I'd read somewhere that you could tell the truth with music, but it keeps your secrets all the same. *sarah porter*

This line has been ringing in my ears ever since my grandmother, Menaka, told me I had to sing a truth to sell the illusions. I was hesitant at first, but when she specified a truth that scared me to my core, there was nothing to hesitate about. There were no confusions over what scared me the most in the world. Now more than ever.

Somehow, I can't help but think of this as a blessing in disguise. A truth to sing, in front of everyone. Will this be my chance to confess? To pour my heart out? To stop lying to myself? To Aru?

I turn my eyes to look over Aru examining her tambourine with a grim expression. Chaotic, I'd called her. And chaos she was, but one I liked...loved all the same.

After Bee lectures me on the importance of my role, she asks, "But do you know what you're going to sing about?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I do." I reply.

Bee, Mini, Rudy and Aru exchange glances. Then Aru clears her throat, and questions, "Are you gonna tell us?"

I was startled for a moment hearing her address me directly.

"No." I tell her. Aru rolls her eyes and turns away.

But I hope you understand.

"Artists are extremely temperamental. Trust me, I am one." Rudy offers.

I look at my watch. "It's time." I inform everyone.

As we walk on the platform, seeing the enormous crowd and elaborate celebrations should've unnerved me—but it didn't. For some reason, I couldn't make myself see this as a task. It felt like an opportunity, it felt personal because of what it is going to mean.

I look over the crowd and instruct everyone for the final time. When I begin to sing, I don't focus on the tone, or the music, or the sound, or anything except the lyrics and what I want them to mean. To whom I want them to mean.

"They said I have to be honest,

So here's something you don't know...

You scare me, but I try not to let it show...."

My love for Aru is the thing that scares me to my core. The desperation with which I want to be with her, hear her talk, rant, smile, laugh...and feel her next to me, safe and protected and with me.

"They said she'll be the death of me,

And honestly, I agree...."

Even if I don't get killed by any external circumstances, the more I think about the fact that Aru and I can't be together, it makes me insane, and slowly kills a part of me. The part that learned to believe in love and fall in love too. To constantly live on the edge thinking we could never be together, that she could never be mine.

Someone shouts, but I don't hear the words or recognize the voice. I keep singing.

"I think you're chaos walking and we probably won't get through today,

But, for what it's worth, I wouldn't have it any other way...."

Our lives have never been conventional. It's been full of quests, dangers, challenges and obstacles trying to pull us apart. But we made it through them together. It was never normal; I don't want it that way. Aru might be the most unique person I've ever met, and her chaotic spirit, full of passion and resilience—only makes me love her more. To me, she is the best person I've ever known.

"I'm sorry that I lied,

But I've got too much pride...."

I hope that Aru realizes what I lied about. I've never once regretted anything about her, about us, because over these years, she has become a cornerstone of my life. Someone too important to live without.

"Maybe, when we reach the end,

We can finally start again...."

The hurt in my heart escalates from a dull throb to a burning, glaring pain. I wish I never had to make a choice. I wish the prophecy was never meant for me. I wish for so many things with Aru. I wish I could change my fate. I wish I could tell her how much I love her, and that seeing all the hurt I've caused her by pushing her away, has been killing me too. But most of all, I wish we could be together. I don't need a happy-ever-after. I don't need a conventional, uneventful life of simplicity. I just need her by my side, because that's all I could ever want to face and live life and its setbacks. I hope that Aru knows that this song was meant for her all along.

And I hope that, one day, when this war ends, if this war ends, we can find our own version of happiness, together.

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Some of you might say how Aiden would think all this and sing at the same time, but it's just my imagination. I wanted all the lines to mean something.  And I might have cried in last part. Because imagine, a 16-year-old told he'd die because of the girl he loved in the middle of a godamn war, when he knows what love did to his own mother? And he still loved her so much to sacrifice himself for her. I just can't even imagine what it must've been like for him throughout CoG & NoI. Too few words to express how much I love Aiden.

Also, I wanted to thank @Xx_Twilight_Tales_xX for all lovely comments they've posted. Your words light up my day! :-)