Blueprints of a Life with you

15

TW: Self-harm

"What do you mean by "you stepped into the next stage"? Elaborate it, Issa." He asked while he was driving.

"Pang-ilang beses mo na ba 'yang tinanong, Andres?" Pinaningkitan ko siya. Tumawa lang siya at naglalambing na humawak sa hita ko. "Alam mo, ikaw... Paborito mo 'tong hita ko."

"And your neck too," he proudly said. 'Yun lang?! It was as if he heard me. He glanced at me and smiled. "Of course, I have yet to discover the other parts of you."

"You wanna discover it now? I mean, come on! I'm a first-year college student na! Don't you think it's time to... you know?"

"After you graduate nalang—"

"That's too long! Next school year?" He shook his head. "Phil!"

"Issa, to be honest, I don't want responsibility for now. If we do it, I can't guarantee you that I'll use protection all the time." I felt my cheeks burned. Hinawakan ko ang magkabilang pisngi ko at lumihis ng tingin. "So, let's just do it after your graduation."

"Then let's do the pull-out method..." I murmured.

"The what?" I ignored him. "Where did you learn that?"

"Secret! Bakit ko sasabihin?" Inirapan ko siya kahit na hindi niya iyon kita. "Baka maunahan pa ako ni Sol. Tingin ko palang kay David, magaling tumira."

"Your mouth—"

"Shut up! I'm just stating facts!"

"How would you even know that? You are not David's ex to say that." Nagkrus ang mga braso ko sa dibdib ko. I sat on my seat comfortably and looked at his side. "What now?"

"You really think someone wouldn't know just by looking? David can fuck, Phil. I don't need to be his ex to confirm that." I reached for his jaw to caress it. "Don't worry, I know you can fuck well too."

"Can we stop this talk about fucking? We need to have a plan first before we do it." Plan? What the hell?! "I mean, we need to have a plan just in case you get pregnant."

I blinked multiple times when I heard that. A freaking plan! Oh, that actually makes sense! But really, coming from this retired fuckboy?!

I fell asleep in the middle of the ride. Phil didn't even bother waking me up. He carried me all the way from the parking area to his condo unit. I just woke up past 6 PM. I could smell the detergent used in his newly replaced sheets. How I wish there was a hint of his cologne!

I fixed myself as soon as I got out of the bed. I went outside to look for Phil. He is cooking dinner while... studying? I went near him and took a glance at the papers. Damn, what a multitasker. He glanced at me over his shoulder and smiled. I went to him and carefully encircled my arms around his waist. I hugged him from the back. He continued cooking for us.

"Can you imagine us living together?" I asked him. Because I can.

"Do you want to live with me someday?" I nodded, my head was brushing against his back. "I could imagine our all-day bickering with each other."

"And then you'll always apologize first because you don't want me to leave you."

"You really think I'd do that?" He teased.

"I just know! Don't worry, Philander, I won't leave your side. Even if you get boring in bed. We'll just fix that." My hands wandered on his body. "You, being this freaking hottie, is not helping."

"Larissa, stop talking about fucking." He faced me and planted a kiss on my cheek. Napasimangot ako dahil sa sagot niya. "I get that you want to try doing it with me because you're curious. Let's set that curiosity aside for now."

"Fine! I won't ask for it na. But you'll kiss me pa rin from time to time?" He chuckled at that. He nodded to assure me. "Okay, that's fine with me!"

"I want to take small steps with you, Issa. I don't want to rush anything. I want to experience everything with you and start at the very bottom." He tucked my hair behind my ear.

"I want that too, Phil. For you, I'd be very patient."

I hit Phil with a pillow when he started teasing me. I wasn't scared of ghosts! I was just startled by the sound! And there he is, teasing me nonstop.

He started running away, so I ran after him. He was running around his condo! Napapagod na ako sa kakatakbo! Nang huminto siya at umupo sa sahig, feeling ko he just did me a favor! Because I'm sure I looked like I was close to dying!

"Phil, I hope these smiles last forever. I want you to be the last man I'll be with." Napatili ako nang hatakin niya ako. He made me sit on his lap while he was sitting on the floor. Hinaplos ko ang panga niya at pabirong kinurot ang pisngi niya. "Pakasal na tayo."

"Our dreams first, babe." He pinched my nose, making me groan in annoyance. He chuckled and held my wrists. He kissed them. "When you're healed, I'd still be with you."

I knew he was talking about my scars. Some trauma couldn't be easily removed from someone's life. I didn't want to talk about it with Phil because it shouldn't be part of our relationship. I didn't want my trauma to ruin us.

I just stared at him while he was busy caressing the scars on my wrists. They never heal—maybe for now—but I hope they fade away as I continue my life.

"Tell me honestly, Phil... Tingin mo ba ma-drama lang ako?" Natulala siya sa tanong ko. Pero kaagad din siyang nakabawi at umiling.

"Did someone tell you that? They shouldn't invalidate you like that, love." He cupped my face and gave me a long soft kiss. His eyes remained on my lips after that kiss. When they went up to look at mine, Phil hugged my waist. "If somebody tells you that, remember that you're acting according to what you're feeling."

"I've been clean for months now," I whispered. He heard that, I am sure. I looked down, feeling like I shouldn't have said that.

I felt like crying when Phil tucked my hair behind my ears. He lifted my chin. He smiled at me like how he smiled when I made it official with him.

"I'm proud of you for trying. We'll get there, hmm? Maybe not now, but soon, we'll get there. Healing will take time. I'm sure of that. But I'm willing to wait until you're no longer afraid of telling what you feel."

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Note: Before you judge Larissa because of her desperation to make Phil say yes to what she wants (which is sex), there's an explanation for that in the next chapter.