for this moment in time// h.s.

chapter twenty-five: missteps & mistakes

*⚠️WARNING⚠️*: mentions of/implied self-harm, negative discussion of body image and mental abuse. Please prioritize your mental health and don't relapse. Ily and thank you so much for reading.*

(Morgan's POV)

The next day was a blur to me, soundcheck in the morning for the boys and more studio time for me, laying down another layer of vocals and working on backing after that. The song as pretty much done which was great given the fact that I had yet another phone call with Simon, who told me that Modest and Syco were apparently putting some pressure to get it out sooner than I ever thought, adding yet another layer of anxiety to this whole thing. Not to mention, I hadn't exactly told anyone about the contract, at least no one besides my parents.

My mom was excited for me, well her exact words were "Oh wow, that's very good. Is about time someone besides me realized how talented you were."

My dad on the other hand, well I don't know what he said because he wouldn't pick up his phone at all. Or answer my texts. That wasn't anything new though so it left me unsurprised. But I will admit it did sting just a little bit

And it wasn't that I didn't want to tell them about it. I mean, besides the fact that Liam was my oldest friend, I really did like hanging out with the rest of the boys. They were all pretty easy to get along with and I knew they wouldn't make a big deal of any of it. In fact, they'd probably be able to help me navigate all of this.

My brain could make all these and more, perfectly logical points for why I should tell them but in spite of that my head continued to count off all the reasons why I shouldn't. What if they did make a big deal of it? What if they thought I'd only come here to get famous and not cause I cared about Liam?

What if, what if, what if.

I knew it was unhealthy to fixate on this so much but to be honest it was a welcome distraction. It was a bit hotter in Ireland than the UK and I wasn't sure how long I could stay in my sweatshirt but also weighed down with the fact that I couldn't take it off. The cuts had stopped bleeding at the very least.

Not to mention my current state was only exaggerated by the fact that Gracie wanted to watch from the pit again and- in her words- I couldn't very well just leave her by herself out there. I knew this was a little ridiculous because from what I gathered, the fans all really liked her.

The show—though identical to the one two nights ago—was amazing and I'd be lying if I didn't add that I got more impressed every time I saw them. They were really talented and it was clear that even though this had to be grueling, they loved what they were doing.

All of them: Harry, Calum, Niall, Louis, Luke, Michael, Zayn, Ashton, Liam; they were so into it all and I couldn't help but wonder if I could do something like that all the time. I mean, I wanted to think that I could but then nights like last night happen and suddenly I'm not so sure.

After the show was over, I headed into a backstage bathroom to pull my hair up in an effort to cool myself down without taking off the sweatshirt. By the time I walked back out, all the boys were already in the green room, sweaty and radiating energy somehow. The volume in the room was at an almost unbearable high and I just smiled, keeping up my conversation about...something with Gracie.

I felt bad that I couldn't focus but she seemed distracted as well, eyes only for her boyfriend at the moment and it was obvious the feeling was very mutual. It wasn't very often I found people in real life to think were a perfect match, nine times out of ten no one lived up to the couples I read about in books. But even I'll admit it, these two were a close call.