hollow // credence barebone

29. unsent

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"elise,

i'm not sure if phoenix post works the same as owl post. whiskers hasn't been all too obedient, either. he goes out at night and does nothing but fly and sing. he doesn't react to my calls anymore, but keeps staring at me as if he's doing it on purpose. besides, it's not like i was actually going to send these letters. i'm fooling myself into thinking that if i pretend to send it, it will still somehow reach you.

and i know you don't want to hear from me. for now, i guess i just want to write even if you never read it.

it's lonely in here. even more lonely than before. grindelwald doesn't want to overwork me and only orders me out when he finds it most crucial. when he decides that the mission is important and can't be a fail. he trusts me. or he trusts that in case of danger i'll burst into a dark cloud and flip a bunch of roofs from buildings.

when i cast spells, they all come out black. the first time i ever tried to do magic with a wand, i exploded a whole west side of a mountain in norway. it's coming out better now, but then again, it's been years.

i can't decide if time flew fast or not. every day is the same.

elise, i just want you to know that i was wrong and i'm sorry. queenie told me the truth. she explained that you didn't know about my identity either... which means that i got mad for nothing, and now you're gone and i don't know where you went. i'm writing this on a bridge over the thames. the more i write, the more i realise i never learnt how to talk about my feelings. i just wish you would come here even if it's by an accident. i wish you'd read this apology from my face because i can't express it well enough in words.

but you've been patient with my silence for so long. for once, i need to be loud. i need to tell you something that will make you turn around. i'm making a wish as i write it all, but i know i was selfish. i didn't realise how much personal pain you've been going through. when you found out about your father, i was standing against you too angry to use my brain. i should have been there with you. god, i shouldn't have ever left your side. now we are on the opposite sides of this war and i don't even want to fight it.

i made a mistake, elise. i made a huge mistake and i can't undo it. i just wish you were here again.

i'm sorry,

aurelius."

"elise,

i can't sleep. every time i close my eyes, i hear them screaming again. they come at night and whisper things. they say i'm a killer. i don't deserve to breathe. i don't deserve nothing. they are right.

i want to tell you things i never told you about. because you told me so much and i never replied. it's all a random mess but... here it goes.

when i was 8 years old, i went to build a snow man with chastity. we used to have a good relationship before, and when mary lou was in a good mood, she'd let us out to play. we built this very ugly snowman with a crooked body and nose made out of a twig. chastity then told me that she had a crush on this one 13 years old guy who'd come to the church. he had red hair and brown eyes, and mary was harsh with him because red hair symbolised witch's curse. forbidden love story, right? chastity asked me to go talk to him and ask where he came from and if he had a girlfriend. i did only the first part. his name was jules and he was from ireland. in fact, about two weeks later both him and his family moved back to ireland. lately i remembered him and wondered what he's up to now. so i tracked him down. he has a wife and three daughters, all of them red hairs and brown eyes. he looks happy as he is, working as a newspaper seller. i wonder if he'd ever like chastity. now that i think about it, she could have been a sweet wife if she wasn't completely brainwashed by hate to magic.