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We said it was just goodbye for now (We both got lost in your angst and my impatience) December 29th 2015
"I said I didn't want to see you again," Kathryn breathes out, her back turned to the door. She's too scared to actually look, because she knows her words will lose all their weight as soon as she does.
JJ nods. "Yeah, I know. I just didn't listen." Does he ever?
But there were graver things than not listening, worse than telling him that she didn't want to see him again. Words that echoed his father's voice; "I said we weren't friends, that I didn't want to be friends with a bunch of wankers."
"And I'm saying you suck ass at lying." There wasn't a single thought in his mind about giving up on Kat, not even after what she said. Even if he didn't understand all of it. Even if most of the reasons didn't make sense to him.
There are things that shouldn't make sense, when you're twelve years old.
Kathryn understands a lot of those. Way more than she should, really. It's easier to explain to herself the reason why she's curled up in bed, crying silently, staring into space than to actually let herself feel it. There isn't even much to say about it, really. She isn't sad, not particularly. The tears keep coming, but a certain numbness has taken over everything. Well, that made sense, too. She figures it's some sort of defence mechanism. She had been feeling too much, after all. She wondered when it would stop. She wished it would stop.
What she doesn't understand is why, oh, why is JJ still sitting at the foot of her opened door, not quite into the room, not quite out of it, as if waiting for permission to actually get in. Permission she can't grant, and won't. It was easier that way. She didn't have room for him, she didn't have space, not anymore. She's not sure someone ever will again. At least... not in the way he used to.
JJ, well, he knew that. Most of it, at least, he figured by himself. But he didn't mind, far from it. He understood, to some extent. As in he understood that something had happened, and that his Kat had changed in some way, and that he should do something about it. The last part may have been just a far flung hope. He still held on to it.
There was a certain sense, for him, that this was temporary. That Kat would come back from this, because that's just what she does, what she has to do, and he'll be here. He just had to wait. He was good at waiting. Of course, no one told him he had to wait for her. No one told him that at that age, you're not supposed to be worried about your best friend and kind of girlfriend's well-being, not like this.
But then, there were things that only made sense when you were twelve years old, and you didn't expect them to stick, but they do, and you'd have to die to shrug them off.
