Pardon My Emotions

01. Will I Ever See You Again?

"What was his name again?"

My eyes automatically shifted from the road to Damian in the driver's seat when he asked, only to see him frowning at me like I had an idea what he was talking about. We are now on our way back to our childhood hometown, and I've been thinking about a lot of things while he does nothing but yap and distract me like I care about what he says.

Nagre-reminisce pa ako ng mga bagay-bagay pero kanina pa siya nanggugulo, and it doesn't help na he keeps on playing I Feel It Coming by The Weeknd on repeat.

I think he likes that song a little too much, but he's making me wanna hate it.

"Sorry? Who?" I asked him back before looking outside the window again.

How would I know? In my defense, paano ko malalaman kung ano ang tinutukoy niya kung hindi naman ako nakinig sa pinagsasasabi niya buong byahe? Hindi niya rin ako masisisi kung bakit hindi ako interesado, nonsense lang naman mga pinagsasasabi niya.

"The guy who ditched you the other week," His mouth quirked up. Oh, he's back at it again. I knew very well. "When he found out you were a Sagittarius?"

This gremlin. But for a minute there, I thought he was talking about Kasper. There is no reason for him to mention the latter though, because I don't think he remembers him, talagang ino-occupy lang ni Kasper ang isip ko na pakiraman ko pati 'yun nababasa niya.

"Anong alam mo? Who told you that?"

"Si Gavin. Kilala niya 'yung guy," He held himself back from chuckling, then he proceeded to talk like an expert the following second, "Believing in those zodiac sign thing is dumb but I see he has a serious trust issue. If you think about it, he clearly did you a favor. You see, kahit pa naging official kayo, I don't think it's gonna work."

My head spun for a moment that I couldn't say anything. I hate when Damian's actually making a point sometimes, naalala ko lang kung ano ang nangyari sa parents namin.

It was also a lot to take in. Their relationship was full of misunderstandings, both had trust issues, the house was a complete mess until they couldn't take it anymore. We were already miserable, I would never want the same thing to happen to me.

When people leave, it also feels like a part of you is gone. Sobrang masakit ang maiwan, and of course it doesn't only apply sa case ng parents namin ni Damian kasi si Kasper talaga ang unang nagparamdam sa akin nun.

Hindi na bago sa akin ang ma-ghost. I've been in multiple situationships already, the longest one lasted for a year so it's nothing new to me. I know exactly how it feels when people just stops talking to you for absolutely no reason, na para bang wala kayong pinagsamahan. It was a terrible experience and there's no denying how disappointed I was.

Pero ngayon ko lang nare-realize na none of them felt the same way I felt when Kasper disappeared out of thin air. It was ten years ago, mind you. I never heard about him again. I don't even know what he looks like now but I still remember how damaging it was, and how it continues to damage me to this day.

Babalik na kami ni Damian sa lugar na 'yun for the first time in ten years, and as much as I would love to anticipate for something bigger than the responsibility our dad had put us in, I don't think it's actually possible.

Walang magbabago kahit ilang beses pa akong bumalik ng Aurora simula ngayon, o kahit gaano pa ako katagal na mag-stay. Hindi na babalik si Kasper dun, hindi na babalik ang pamilya niya. Who knows baka nasa ibang bansa na rin sila ngayon?

I wish I said something before he left that day. When he kissed me under that tree, the way his eyes wavered, body shaking, skin turning pale, I wish I turned to him and said it's alright and there is nothing to be anxious about.