Hue in my Photograph (Hue Series #4)

Hue #19

Hue #19

Mirn’s POV

I have been talking to a therapist for a week already. It was helping—only that I don’t know what part of me really needs help. I just feel incomplete…lost, something I never even thought I would feel.

It was scary. I was scared to sleep at night and to also go out. I just want to stay in bed all day—and watch, watch all the videos I had recorded with Gavion back then—back when everything was falling into its right place. Now… it’s falling apart.

I have no idea what was happening in the outside world. Para akong nasa loob ng kweba. Hindi ko alam kung ito ba ang dapat kong gawin—kung ano ba ang dapat na gawin ko? Pero gusto ko lang ng peace of mind, sa ngayon. Alam ko naman kasi na hindi ako dapat ganito habang buhay. Hindi pwedeng tumigil ang mundo.

I wonder what Ashley was thinking during the last seven minutes of her life. Maswerte pa rin talaga ako kumpara sa ibang mga tao na nakaranas nito.

Huminga ako nang malalim. I still need some days then I’ll go out. I just need to prepare myself… for my son.

Bumangon na ako at dumiretso sa bathroom… but I couldn’t get to look at myself in the mirror. Lumabas na lang ako para pumunta sa kusina. Naabutan ko si Gavion na nasa sala kaharap ang laptop niya. I wasn’t supposed to disturb him — wala rin akong sasabihin dahil hindi ko alam ang isasagot kung sakali na magtanong siya tungkol kay Gavion — but I noticed the site he was looking at and he was also typing.

“Gabby, what’s that?” He immediately closed the laptop upon hearing my voice.

“Mom? You’re awake,” he looked at me. “Are you okay?”

“What were you doing?”

“I was watching.” He looked at his feet and I knew he was lying.

“Watching what?”

“Nothing, Mom.” Umiling siya. “I’m hungry—Mom!” He stopped me from opening the laptop but eventually let go when I glared at him. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to.”

Hindi ko alam kung magagalit, matutuwa o ano ba ang dapat na maramdaman ko? My son at a young age was able to create a dummy account just to respond to all the rude comments he could find on the internet that were talking about me and Gavion. I wasn’t aware—I was really a terrible mom these days. Napagtanto ko na sarili ko na napabayaan ko na si Gabby. I kept on telling myself para kay Gabby but I wasn’t really doing anything—siya pa nga ang gumagawa ng paraan when he didn’t have to.

“Mom, I’m sorry!” He started panicking when he saw me crying. “I promise, I didn’t watch the scandal. Sabi ni grandpa ay nawala na rin naman ito sa internet but there were a lot of people saying bad things about you and dad, so I helped grandad and grandmom answered all those rude comments. I hate them all.”

I shook my head as I looked at my son. “I am sorry for being a terrible mother.”

“No, you are not.” He wiped my tears. “I am sorry for being a terrible son.”

“Hey,” saway ko sa kanya. “Where did you get that? You’re not terrible.”

“I am…” He bit his lower lip. “I kept on pushing you and daddy to be together without really understanding why you both parted ways. Grandad already explained everything to me. I cannot understand everything but I promise, I won’t push you and dad to be together if you don’t want to… just please, don’t cry at night?” He wiped my tears and kissed me. “I love you, Mom. I promise to be a good son.”