Almost

CHAPTER III: A Diary of Falling

You know the feeling of waiting so long to the point your patience is now on the edge of a cliff that could fall anytime soon. Waiting is not my thing, especially when I've done something that I now starting to regret. Argghhhh

Why it took him ages to reply?! The God of overthinkers is now whispering to me.

After ng graduation kanina ay kaniya kaniya na kaming umuwi at di ko na siya nasilayan pa. Katatapos rin ng celebration dito sa bahay at ngayon nandito ako sa kwarto ko, nakahiga at hindi pa nakakapalit. Hawak-hawak ko ang phone ko at every minute ata ay chineck ko notifications sa para sa message niya. Like ano ba reply niya sa akin, like i-rereject niya ba ako ako or what? Arrrrgh.

Though I expected naman na he will never have the courage to reciprocate my feelings, umaasa pa rin ako- expert rin ako diyan eh, palagi naman.

I cannot explain why I really fall for him, even though I know he will never have the same feelings as mine. Its like knowing something you cannot easily explain. Na kahit bigyan mo ng illustrations or powerpoint, hindi mo pa rin mabigkas kung anong explanations yun.

He's gay so, what do I expect? Hindi ko alam kung bakit siya pa, kung bakit sa dinami dami ng lalaki, bakit sa sa lalaki pang kapareho ko ring gusto ay lalaki.

You know what? In this generation, I think gays are more respectable than those striaght guys. Like mas marami na kayang bakla ngayon na mas matino pa kaysa sa mga lalaki, hindi ba? Lahat na nga rin ng gwapo ngayon, bakla eh.

Well, you cannot teach your heart to love someone. Its always be the unexpected one. I just CERTAINLY like him. that is the only thing I know.

I don't know how or where I find my courage to confessed like it was just an invitation to give even though I already knew he won't receive it. Well, I had just the feeling to confess at habang tumatagal ang paghihintay ko sa reply niya, parang pinagsisihan ko na. May paluha luha pa talaga ako non ha.

I love hand-written letters, though I never experienced to receive one that's why I gave it to him. I love to give what I love to receive. Its my definition of "romantic".

Dahil naboboring na ako kakacheck sa kung anong irereply niya, I decided to get up and open a large box hidden under my bed. This is where I collected some sentimental stuffs through out my highschool journey. I sat on the floor as I open the box. Inside are five diaries, two journals, other little box of pictures, written papers (it's not love letters, its just some random quiz/activities paper, even poems), IDs, medals and awards and others that I cannot tell anymore what those are.

As I rummaged, I realized a year can change you a lot. This is my last year of highschool and I don't know kung ready na ako for college. Its a sudden swift of leaves that fallen for seasons. I got started emotional when I flipped those collected pictures from my grade 7 years until my senior high 'till I open one of my diaries, this has year on it- 2022-2023. This was the recent one I think. I open it and bumalik ako sa pagkakahiga sa bed ko.

I started to read from the first page, it was way back the start of classes in my twelfth grade. As I read those, di ko namalayan bumabalik na pala ako sa mga alaalang parang kahapon lang nangyare.

*****

August 15, 2022

First Day of School

Guess what? Grade 12 na akooooo! Likeee EH?! Parang kahapon nga lang ako nag grade 9 tas ngayon last year ko na sa highschool gashh.

And then next year college na?! seryoso ba toh. Ang bilis naman magsulat ng talambuhay tung author ng buhay ko.