Almost

CHAPTER IV: A Diary of Mixed feelings

I continued reading 'till the twilight finally came to my room's window. I didn't realize I will be fond of these memories which is I know the only thing that would stay forever.

I skipped through pages until I found my last stories for 2022.

*****

December 30, 2022

I don't know what I should wrote now. As I read the last pages of this diary and remember what happened fro the last couple of months, I realized I've been writing about Aj more often than about myself. And I was confused as hell, what is my feelings for him and how can I get rid of it?!

Ang rami kasing nangyayari and he always make me believe that he could also like me, even...

It's not possible...

You know what? Siguro makakapag create na ako ng libro kung ikukuwento ko lahat ng mga nangyari ngayong December. The thing is, I feel na iniiwasan niya ako, and I ended up doing the same. When we walked past each other, nag ngingitian naman kami bat its kinda awkward. And I can just feel his cold gaze upon me often times, nagmumukha nga siyang straight pag ginagawa niya yun eh. I also questioned why sa iba naman naming kaklase he's cool. Pag kinakausap ko naamn siya, okay rin  naman but there is something off, or feeling ko lang yun. Certified feelingera ako eh.

Maybe, nagsimula ito nung ako yung unang di pumapansin. There this one time na umabsent kasi ako, and I thought he would miss me (err) and then pagpasok ko, you know what his reaction was?

Vacant namin noon and nagkukuwentuhan kami sa harap ng classroom, malapit sa blackboard and pinapalibutan namin yung teacher's table, at nakaupo ako rito kasama si Ether and yung iba eh nasa tabi namin including siya. And then they were narrating kung ano yung mga nangyari raw sa practice ng pageant kahapon sa function hall, kaklase kase namin yung representative ng grade 12. And then Aj was taking up the role as the storyteller and he's just keep looking at me na parang ako lang yung kausap niya, no I don't assume things here. 

And then dahil di ako makarelate, I said, "Wala ako kahapon, absent ako"

Nagulat ito and said, "Eh?! Absent ka kahapon?"

I.am.literally.taken.back, It just means he didn't care kung wala man ako sa room or what. Ang nakakatawa pa. yung excuse letter ko asa table lang kaya sinabi ni Ether, "Oo teh, absenera si bading, eto nga yung excuse letter oh," sabay kuha nito sa tabi niya at pinakita kay AJ.

And then he replied, "Oh, I didn't know" sabay tingin sa akin nang parang nang iinis. Grrrrr. I hate him.

That's why, simula noon hindi ko na siya pinapansin Though, hindi naman yung literal kase, member rin naman siya ng  ibang circle of friends. At wala naman ng pake mga teachers namin sa seating arrangement, naglilipatan na kami. Kahit saan saan na kami umuupo and ayun hindi na kami nagkakatabi, It''s better that way though. Wala naman siyang pake.

I really cannot understand him. Kung wala siyang pake sa akin, bat niya ginawa yung mga dapat hindi niya ginagawaa? Like what happened last month, November.

Nagkalagnat siya and hindi siya pumasok ng umaga but he decided to attend the event in the afternoon sa school dahil club niya yung nag organize. I thought hindi na talga siya papsok noon. Pero nung pumunta kaaming magkaklase sa amphitheater dahil required for attendance, nagulat ako nung umupo siya sa tabi ko. Sa sahig na kasi kami umupo dahil puno na sa benches. Kala ko nga si Ether yungg katabi ko noon pero asa likod pala siya. Marami rin kaming umupo sa sahig kaya dikiit dikit kami. Ramdam na ramdam ko yung init lalo na't  katabi ko siya (literal ito walang kahit anu mang meaning okay). Naka jacket kasi ito kahit sobrang init.