Never going to escape

Forever isn't that long

I had a dream I was free, I was home, my mother was cooking and Jasmine was getting on my last nerve. I had a dream I was free, I was in my own bed, god did I miss being in my own bed. I had a dream I was free, my hair was cut and my clothes were clean. I had a dream I was free.

The sick thing about this dream was I believed it, while I was sleeping soundly I felt as if this dream was reality. I didn't question anything within the illusion, I didn't question the normality of the things happening around me. I missed normal. I missed my sister and my mother and my bed and -

"Seth wake up " My eyes instantly shot open at Robbie's demanding tone. Robbie was standing at the end of the mattress fully dressed as if he was going somewhere.

"What happened?" I rubbed at my eyes trying to adjust them.

"School starts today" My eyes went wide at the news. I literally was speechless.

   The first day of senior year was today, the day I had prepared for since I could write my name, and I was chained to the basement of my demented ex. I wanted to scream, but what would that do. I wanted to beg Robbie for freedom, but what would that do? He made it clear he wanted me here, he made it clear I was Never Going To Escape.

    "So you're going to school, while I rot here" My tone was bitter, but what I had said was true. I lost weight, my hair was long and messy and unkept, I caught glimpses of my reflection and I hated what I saw.

   "What else am I supposed to do Seth?!" Robbie yelled.
 
    Words could not describe my anger, words could not describe how much I hated Robbie in this moment. He had robbed me of everything I was, everything I could ever be.

   "My mother, my sister, they probably think I ran away, my mother and I fought before you took me Robbie. She is worried sick probably thinking I hate her, the entire time I'm here stuck in this fucking basement! I had a dream today, I had a dream I was fucking home!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs as I found what little strength I had.

       "This is your fucking home!! You belong here, you belong in that bed where I can always find you where I can always have you where- where you can always control me" I interrupted.

   "That isn't fair " Robbie said his tone low.

  "No, what's not fair is I can't go to school today, what isn't fair is I can't see my mom or my sister, what is fair is I am losing myself, that isn't fair. You say you loved me, this isn't fucking love this is misery I'm miserable" I was wasting my breath nothing I did or said was moving Robbie.

    "I do love you, so much Seth. I love you more than anything, don't you see I need you? I couldn't live. The feeling you feel I've felt ten times more, you're all I wanted you're the one I adore I love you. The way you laugh, the way you smile , the way your eyes glow when you look at me!! I love you" Robbie feel to his knees landing next to me, wrapping me in a tight hug.

   A moment of silence was had as I felt the tears fall from Robbie's eyes landing on my neck, he held me as he cried. A part of me felt like this was right, that this was all I wanted. When he touched me I loved the familiar feeling, the security. A part of me will always love him too.

    "I don't smile anymore" my voice came out barely a whisper.  Robbie pulled back from the "hug". His eyes scanning my own.

   "I can't laugh, it hurts to laugh. My heart aches" He opened his mouth to speak, but the words didn't come.

   "And when I look at you- STOP" He demanded. My tone was cold as I continued

  "When I look at you, I see a monster who ripped me from my life, a wolf in sheep clothing. A person who I use to trust with my life, now I'd rather die than have you touch me. Stop touching me, you make me sick to my stomach when you say you love me, this isn't love this isn't the love my parents had" I was crying, I didn't even realize I was crying as I spoke.

  Robbie instantly slammed himself into me, he pinned me underneath him as he screamed. His face an unfamiliar shade of red, I wasn't used to this side of him, I wasn't used to him being so abusive - no that was a lie. I was lying to myself. I had brainwashed myself into thinking this was love, the sickness was overwhelming.

   Robbie's abuse didn't start when he kidnapped me. Thoughts of the night he took my virginity plagued my mind, I said stop, I begged him to slow down. Why do I always try to deceive myself. So many red flags. I should have seen him for the demon he was. Why didn't I see him for what he was? I was not only blind, but willfully so. I wanted to believe he was normal, I wanted to believe all the times he used force to get his way was his way of showing love, the things I gave up to be with him. I never wanted to join the football team, I never wanted to have sex, I never wanted to be fucking kidnapped.

   I'm no saint, how could I fall so hard in love with someone so sick. I loved Robbie. I loved how he touched me I love how he kissed me, I loved him like my mother loved my father. I loved how Robbie would make me miss classes to make out in the janitors closet , just like my mother loved when my father would come home drunk and smelling like shit. I loved when Robbie took my virginity, I loved how he slammed into me and I loved how it hurt, I didn't care that I had to hurt to make him feel good, just like my mother didn't care she was hurting when my father decided to drink that night.