Never going to escape

Was I shattered ?

              "You can't keep doing this to me, you can't keep doing this to our fucking kids!" My eyes slowly opened at my mother's words. I was in my room upstairs but I could hear her and my father's argument from there.

   "You think I want to do this shit? You think I want to drink? I do it to forget" My father's tone was distraught.

   "I think you want to keep being a victim, if you wanted to be free of your addiction you will seek help before it fucking kills you" my mothers tone was cold, but she told no lies.

  My father was feeding his addiction, giving himself excuses to live the life he was living. He had dug his own grave. He left that night and he never returned, he died the way he lived, drunk and cold, but this time he didn't have my mother there save him. The times she would hold him as he vomited for hours, the times she would scream at him about the example he was setting for us, but she never saw she was setting an example as well.
  
    My mother and my father both were addicts. My fathers poison was the bottle, and my mothers poison was my father. He made excuses to drink and she made excuses for him not being home half the time.

   I was my parents child, I was the product of my environment, I was an addict. Addicted to Robbie like my father was to alcohol, making excuses when he showed signs of abuse like my mother made excuses when my father would come home covered in god knows what.
  
"I think you want to keep being a victim, if you wanted to be free of your addictions you will seek help before it fucking kills you"
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   Robbie was screaming while pinning me down to the mattress. My mother's words ringing loudly in my head as I was face to face with my addiction.

   "YOU THINK YOU'RE A VICTIM YOU THINK YOU HAVE SOME CLAIM TO ME AS IF IM SOME ITEM, ROBBIE YOU ARE SICK AND BROEKN YOU ARE DERANGED AND YOU CAN NOT HAVE ME" i had found my voice once again as I screamed with a force I never knew I had.

   Robbie's eyes were emotionless as he stared at me. That's when he did something I never thought he'd do.

   I felt relief as the weight on my neck was lifted. I almost couldn't believe it, that was until the collar fell off and landed next to tight.

   "I do love you Seth, I love you so much. They say when you love something you let it go, so go." Robbie pointed upstairs and I suddenly lost my strength.

   On one hand a part of me knew this was the end of Robbie and me, if I had went home my mother would question where I've been, Police would question where I've been. They would find out what Robbie has done to me, and they will prosecute him with kidnapping. On the other hand, I was given exactly what I wanted, but did I even want it?

I am my parents child, my father let his addiction kill him and my mother was only free because of that. I didn't want to die, but I still fucking loved him. His frame was shattered, his normal confidence was gone as he looked down refusing to look at me.

This would be the end of our love story, there were a lot of bad times I knew that now that my mind was clear, but there were good times too. If I left I would be throwing away everything bad and everything good as well, but I had to do better than those before me. In a perfect word my father was still alive and my mother was happy, jasmine and I would have a perfect relationship with our parents and me and Robbie were in love, this world was far from perfect.

I had to learn from my parents mistakes, from my own mistakes. With shaky knees I wobbled to my feet instantly falling back down. I barely walked unless I had to use the rest room, but I had to find the strength to leave, both physically and mentally.

Again I stood this time with a little more control. I walked past Robbies defeated form, heading up the creaking stair case. Memories flooding my mind with each step.

Step one. Robbie missing my father's funeral to hang out with his friends.

Step two. Robbie and I having sex for the first time, how much it hurt, how much I wanted it to stop.

Step three. Robbie taking off his mask and revealing he was the one who kidnapped me.

Step four. The collar shocking me causing me to fall on the ground.

Step five. The hunger I felt when Robbie refused to feed me for "disrespecting him"

Step six. The promise.

I was at the door to the basement, the basement that was my home for the last three months. I looked back at Robbie's defeated shattered form, and at that moment I knew I two was shattered. That's when I made a choice, a choice in the heat of the moment.