This Ain't Home

"thoughts"

It was nothing new that Ponyboy hated having to be around new people, he hated having to be at new families, he hated seeing new people that he was forced to converse with.

'Am I good enough for them...?

What if I accidentally say the wrong thing tonight? Man, I hope I don't mess up. I don't wanna mess up at all, not even just tonight.

What if Darrel were to beat me for being rude, or disrespectful even when I wasn't?

Most of the time I don't try to be disrespectful, sometimes I get rude 'cuz I don't think before I speak. I guess I don't ever think though. When do I ever think about what I say or do before I do it?

I have to at least pretend I'm a normal kid so that I don't get kicked out of this placement any quicker than I'm going to.

Is Sodapop really nice? Like he seems to be? I think he is... at least a little bit. He seems to at least care about me as much as someone could care about a Greaser, nobody actually cares about a dirty Grease though.

I don't want to be here right now. I would've liked to go back to Mrs. Haley, she was really nice. I didn't really like her husband, he was never around though. He would go out to work for a while and I'm pretty sure he'd go out clubbing. But, that's beside the point. Mrs. Haley treated me like her own son; I was young when I went there though. It sucks that her husband was an asshole and I had to go away. Mrs. Haley was real nice, her name is Vi. She told me I could call her Vi, but I never did. I wanted to treat we her respect, especially because she always treated me with that respect. I always wanted to get out of that household, but part of me never wanted to leave Mrs. Haley inside of that how. Imagine what Mr. Haley was doing to her? At least if I was there she wasn't being hurt.

I wonder what Ms. Stacey is doing... She could've at least given me a hug like she's done all the previous times, but maybe she thought that I was too old for a hug now.

I used to beg her for a hug and I even remember one time I started to sob while tugging on her pants for a hug. She ended up caving in, and from that moment forward she always gave me a hug when meeting me or sending me away.

Sometimes I wonder if she actually liked me or not, Ms. Stacey was a very confusing woman. She never truly told me anything that made me seem like she liked me or not, but sometimes the way she acted made me think that she liked me.

Maybe she was like that to all of the foster care and troubled kids though, she probably was.

I wonder what my mom is doing in heaven. Does heaven actually exist?

That's what Mr. and Mrs. Haley used to say. He made me pray to God, and pray for being a faggot. I'm not gay though, so maybe he needed to pray to God for that. Am I a faggot? I don't think I'm gay. I mean, I never looked at a guy like that and I've never had any intention to date a guy, but guys have fucked me. Does that make me weird? Does that make me gay? I never consented, which I don't even know if I'm old enough for that, but I never told them that they could. I'm so gay.

Mr. Haley talked a lot about heaven, and if it was a real place I definitely wouldn't be going. Mrs. Haley was different though, she told me I had a spot reserved in heaven. Prayers were never about me being gay or anything, it was about us and our problems. Which, isn't that what it was supposed to be about?

Darrel and Sodapop didn't look religious, so maybe I don't have to worry about praying anymore. If they were religious, maybe I wouldn't have to deal with the guilt and trauma of it. If they were religious, they don't seem the exact type of people to be religious freaks. But, praying was something I did a lot even if I didn't fully believe, so maybe I could do it here without getting beat for talking to God.

I wonder what mom thinks of me, I'm not a good person anymore. She used to call me the most perfect boy ever, but I'm far from it. Oh no, maybe she doesn't love me anymore but she promised me she always would. She told me that her love for me would never end, even if she died, even if she wasn't exactly by my side anymore.

I'm not actually hungry, so I'm not sure why I'm sitting at this table waiting for the food to be placed in front of me.

I wanna go back to reading my book, I like to read. Why am I at this table right now? The front door is right there, I could definitely run away if I wanted to. I wouldn't know what to do with myself out on the streets alone though, I don't think I'd survive for more than two days.

I wonder if they have stray cats here in Tulsa, back in Slick, where my last placement was, they had lots of cats running around the streets. There was this one I really liked, I gave her the special name Pip, after my book.

Pip was a pretty name for the cat, well it was a pretty name in general. Sometimes I wished that every house I was put into had a pet cat, I could cuddle with them and talk to them when nobody else would listen to me. I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to cats though.

Speaking of allergic to cats, my old house had a cat and I'd sneeze all the time around her.

Sometimes if I sneeze too hard my head really hurts.

I always have a headache though, my head is always pounding. Which, is why I take aspirin. Aspirin helps me sleep too, only if I take like five to seven in a night.

Am I addicted to drugs? Is Aspirin even a drug? Whatever it is makes me throw up if I take too much, then I shake sometimes too. But, I can always sleep better whenever I take some.

Whatever though, I'm sure it doesn't matter if it's addicting or not.

Maybe I should be more worried about myself, but I know I don't have too. Sooner or later I'm going to be dead because of these placements I'm put in. That's if I don't die in this one, or if I don't get out into a boys home.

I'm scared of going to a boys home, not to sound all pussy or anything, but I'm deathly afraid of being put into one of those.

I wonder if my dad is still in jail. Maybe he could save me from this never ending cycle of in and out. If he was out of jail... doesn't he get rights to take me back? Or- What if I have some cool older sibling who wants to take me away. I don't think I have any siblings, though I don't remember. My parents called me an only child all the time, nobody else lived in the house with us, so... having a sibling is unlikely. But, it's a cool fantasy to think about. I've always wanted siblings, ones who like me at least.

My dad probably wouldn't save me from this even if he was out of jail, I don't think he liked me or my mom very much. My parents fought every day... can I even call them my parents anymore? I can call my mom a parent, but definitely not my dad.

I wish I was still with my mom.

I wish she was still alive.

Sometimes I beg God to make me be able to see her again, I beg God to take me with her. But, he doesn't let me die in my sleep. I wish I could just escape from all of this.

Mom, if you can hear me. I miss you, I love you, please wait for me.

Fuck.'