This Ain't Home

"nightmares pt. 2"

'Well, now that Mr. Haley started assaulting me again, it's like he can't stop. It's like I'm some kind of drug that he can't stop using because it makes him forget everything about the world. It turns my stomach even thinking about that, but what am I supposed to do? Stop him? I'm too small, I'm too weak. It's not like I could push the fat pig off of me while he's raping me, not even slap him before he gets to start. It's not like I could stop him from hurting me, I've seen and heard Mrs. Haley try to get him to stop; but he never did. He'd slap her and tell her to "shut the fuck up", he never listened to his wife. I felt bad for her, Mrs. Haley was such a nice and sweet lady, she doesn't deserve this kind of husband. She doesn't deserve anything that happens to her, she's one of the sweetest people I've ever met. Nobody deserved how Mr. Haley treated her, she would hold my hands and we'd pray together for something better, we both cried while we begged for a better life and a better chance at a future. We sat on the ground in her bedroom, she cried to me while hugging me but I couldn't even cry until we sat down and began our prayers. Her hands were soft, they were a good mother's embrace. She wasn't anything like my real mom, but she was good enough. She was always watching whenever Mr. Haley beat me.

"Please God, I'm tired of swallowing my words..." She'd say, she held my hands and rubbed her thumb against my shaking ones. I sighed and put my head against her forehead. I felt my heart race.

"I'm sick and tired of staring at anything but Ponyboy while William hurts him," My breath hitches but I clear my throat and I continue to listen to her speak; I couldn't help but finally let tears fall from my eyes when she spoke. Even if my eyes were closed, I couldn't stop the tears from leaving my eyes. I wanted to hold her tight, she didn't deserve this.

"I struggle to smile and breathe whenever Will is around us, but I must learn how to be silent."

"I notice how my hands start to shake, I think about smoking everyday." I admit in the prayer when she squeezed my hand to let me speak, I did smoke already but I didn't want Mrs. Haley to know that I did. I didn't want her to hate me for anything. I clear my throat, I don't know what else to say in the moment. My hands grip hers tightly as if I'm going to fall down deep into despair if I can't steady myself. Is this fair? Why won't God listen to the either of us? Why must he test us with all these hard truths if he loves us? I just sigh.

"I always hear, 'Let's not have this conversation now.' When it comes to Pony, I just want the best for him." I just continue to cry, and I hear her shaky breaths as she begins to cry too. This seemed like an everyday occurrence between us too, it was something that we did to just help each other with the pain from each other. We could barely live in this house, but we couldn't leave. We weren't able to leave.

"I quiet the beat of my heart, I try my hardest to not be present in the moments when I'm being hurt. God, I don't want to make situation any worse than it already is."

"God, we want to stop standing by and pretending that everything is okay."

"I feel like I become a mime as I bite my tongue and try to not scream when he hurts me. But, I don't know if I'm going to survive, God. Then, Dammit!" I feel anger rise to my head and red go to my cheeks, I let go of Mrs. Haley's hand and move away from her wiping my tears. I shakily breathe, I shouldn't have sworn but I could tell she didn't want to hurt me. We both kept our eyes shut, not daring to look at each other.

"Do we have to practice, God? How to be silent?" I finally ask, Mrs. Haley hums with agreement.

"I've got to practice learning how to be silent. But, why? This pain isn't fair, God." My voice says with desperation, I almost seemed pathetic but I need something better. I know that I should be patient with these kind of things, but how can one be patient when it's constant abuse and constant pain? My stomach hurts everyday, I throw up almost daily. I don't want to be in pain like this, I want God to hear me. For some reason he doesn't hear me though, he doesn't hear my prayers. He doesn't listen to my begging and sobs for help, for a chance at a better life. If God truly was real, then he would've tried to make an effort. He would've came forward and gave me at least a bit of guidance so I didn't do anything wrong. Maybe he doesn't love me as his child because I just let it happen to me. Maybe it's because I don't fully believe he's real. I wish I did believe he was real, but he doesn't save me so that's kind of hard to do.