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MY POTENTIAL FUTURE (the likely scenario):

I get married to someone who loves me, but who I don't love. Men are delusional and think that love will grow. It never does. 

I don't cheat b/c why bother

No one is that great 

I have kids, and I do care about them, but I don't love them. I feel a sense of duty towards them - like a job. Like when I'm off the clock, I stop thinking about them. 

I don't push my expectations onto them because I'm still independent. I'm still my own person. I have my own job and career to nurture. 

I am devoted to my husband and feel grateful that he's such a devoted husband, but I don't love him, and I know that he will always love me when I will never love him. 

So back to square one again. Back to 2019 again. 

The honest truth is that I never loved him, but he waited for me to love him, just like I wanted for LCK to love me. Except whatever "animal need" men feel and whatever human obsession some men feel just doesn't compare to my feelings. I was dragged around by fate for 4 years or my feelings. Or my feelings dragged me around and changed fate. 

The honest truth is that I never loved the kids. I feed them and keep up with their needs, but it's just another job that has very little return unless they care for me in my old age. 

Right now, I feel apathy towards men. I don't expect anything from them, but I'm searching for certain qualities that I need. It's nice to have someone who cares about you, but you want someone specific to care about you. Otherwise, it doesn't mean anything. 

I can see the point if this is about survival. You marry. You don't love each other, but you're a team. It's basically another job, and you admire the other person for being a good team player, but you don't love them. Thus, you don't love the kids either. You kinda like them, and you keep them alive, but you don't love them. 

What's the point then?

I'm not married. I don't have kids. Kinda feel like I'll just end up in a loveless marriage with feelings of apathy towards the kids. 

Like maybe I raise them like it's another job, but there's no love there. Maybe there doesn't need to be. You kinda like them. They admire you. You feel mostly a sense of duty towards them and apathy. 

The honest truth would be that I never loved my husband and never loved my kids, but I did my duty. It was like another job for me but one that was less gratifying. I was happy they were good team players, but that isn't love. It isn't unconditional love. It's not even love. 

Or I could be alone and happy. 

It's just sometimes really tough being around men when you know that you just can't love them. You don't feel love towards them or people in general. 

What are you supposed to do? 

Be in Lenu in "My Brilliant Friend"? Marry a man b/c of expectations, have two kids, run off with Nino and divorce?