drifted | M.R.

015 | please...let me be me again

trigger warning: self harm, underage drinking
word count: 896

When she heard the news, all she wanted to do was scream at the tops of her lungs. So  much that she wouldn't be able to breathe by the end of it. The second Belle left the room she wobbled her way off to her bathroom. She was shaky but she needed some type of relief.

And for her that was cutting.

The girl grabbed the razor that was in her cabinet and shut the door, locking it. She glided across her skin, loving the stinging feeling it caused her as she did so. "I deserve this. Why can't you be happy for them? They're your friends." She let out a watery laugh, sliding it over her skin again.

S let out another sob, squeezing her eyes shut as she kept the blade on her skin, the stinging continuing for longer than if she slid it. When she couldn't continue on her arms anymore, she went to her thighs. "I just wanna be me again..." She whispered, a small sob leaving her lips.

The brunette cleaned the blade off under water and put it in the cabinet under the sink. She grabbed a wash cloth and dapped the cuts, the ones that were still bleeding. When the girl was done she went to her bed, crawling into it. She had a bottle of vodka on her nightstand, popping the lid open and drinking it all in one shot.

She wanted to be numb.

She wanted the pain to go away.

She wanted to be happy for her friends.

When she found out she was pregnant, it was the happiest day of her life. But she honestly wished it never happened because the pain after is something she didn't think she could ever handle. And she hates herself for wanting that. She thinks it makes her so much worse of a mum than she already was.

The girl hadn't even told her boyfriend the reason she miscarried. She was silent to the world. She barely left her room. The brunette wanted to be who she used to be. Not some girl who brought her issues onto others.

The girl laid down, setting the bottle on her nightstand and turning around. She tucked herself against the wall and let her eyes fall shut, drifting into a not so peaceful sleep.

Mattheo was at some random lake, smoking a cigarette. He needed to clear his head. And this was always the way he did. The chocolate haired boy had his pants rolled up and his shoes on the side of him. His feet were dipped in the water and he was talking to his little girl..

"Hey, Mila." His voice was hoarse. But he needed to feel some sort of comfort. "You know..mama and I aren't in the best spot at the moment. I left again." A sad, watery chuckle leaves his lips. "I don't know if they told her. But I'm assuming they did. I know I should go home but I don't wanna. I kinda wanna run away, never come home again. It's like that whole house is filled with bad memories now."

A small sob escaped his lips, bringing the cigarette away from them. He quit for his girl. But then he lost his other. He just needed some type of relief. When the sun set it was always some of the most beautiful things. Besides Brooke. But at the moment he didn't wanna admit that.

"Brooke would be alright without me. She has the group. I'll make a name for myself somewhere else. I just...the pain. It hurts. Some nights I would sleep in what was supposed to be your room. It's actually really comforting." He laughed softly at how stupid it sounded. But it's true. It made him feel closer to the little girl he never got to meet.

Belle rushed in when she heard Brooke screaming and crying. It was known immediately she was having a nightmare. But she just ran in and hugged her, held her. Did everything she could do to get her to sleep. She luckily fell asleep. Belle was sitting next to her as she ran her hands through the girl's hair. Enzo was on the other side, watching the 2 girls. He wasn't in there when she was having the nightmare, wanting to give them their space.

He never could get over the bond they had. It was like they were siblings. They grew up together but they would always have each other before someone else. And he looked up to that more than he ever could to anyone or anything else.

"It hurts. To walk in and see her eyes puffy and bloodshot. A whole bottle of vodka gone."

"We have to hide the alcohol because if we don't I'm worried she may become addicted to it." Lorenzo sighed, watching as the girl flinched slightly. 

"Me too. I just wish she would talk to me. Or anyone for that matter. Just someone."

"Well she would...if he were here." Belle shook her head.

"No, she wouldn't even talk to him. I think she's getting too drained to talk to anyone and everyone." She looked back at the girl, worrying coating their eyes.

They just hoped she wouldn't take the route they saved her from once before.