The Force Helped Me Find Myself.

Chapter 4

For over a week, I would have similar dreams every night and I would have similar experiences every time I would meditate on my inner self. I wasn't brave enough to meditate on my own, but Emmi came over about half the time so we would do it together. She had gotten much better at it than I had, she had practised more than I had. One time we tried holding hands and meditating together, to try to share the experience, but it didn't work for us. We had heard it was possible to share meditation experiences with another Jedi, but I guess we weren't experienced enough for it yet, or it was just me.

As the weekend neared, I couldn't help but feel I needed to talk to someone other than Emmi about this, I had to talk to Mum. It was a nice afternoon on the first day of the weekend, so it was a suitable time to talk to her. I asked Mum if she could join me outside on a couple of chairs we had under an extension of our roof. She said she was going to have some tea, and asked if I wanted anything, I just asked for water. I waited outside for her, but only for a few minutes.

"Here you are, honey." She handed me my drink and then took a sip of hers. "This is a good blend, imported from Gatalenta. I figured it would be good to have with a serious conversation."

I nodded at Mum, then took a deep breath. "I have a story to tell you and I need you to listen to me. You might not understand what I'm saying or what it means but please hear me out before you make any judgements."

"OK, can I ask questions as we go?"

"Um, ok. If you need to help it make more sense. Right, where do I begin?"

"Start after I learnt you have a connection to the force and might become a Jedi."

"Um, ok. It starts before that though," she looked at me quizzically. "I'll make it work as it fits in with everything." She nodded, took another sip, and beckoned me to continue.

"Right, um, you remember when we got that package from the academy?"

"Yes, and you got a holo to help you to start learning about the force."

"Yes, I did, Emmi did too. The first day we got it we wanted to try it for ourselves. We sat in my room and listened to the guided meditation program. It was so cool, at least to start with. I could concentrate and expand my perception so I could feel Kriy in the living room and Emmi next to me, I could feel the wildlife inside and around the house, it was amazing, almost like I could see everything in the area around the house. Then we were guided to look inside ourselves and get to know ourselves better. I slowly managed to do that, slowly into the subconscious parts of my mind. The best way to describe this is it was like I was in a large room with things in there that were like parts of me. As I looked around, I saw a small area in a corner blocked by a high, thick metal gate that separated that part from the rest of the room. I saw a small, cute, dishevelled girl, who looked like me but a girl. She looked so sad and lonely. It was me. I wanted to help her, but I don't know how. I was shocked." I had started to tear up, mum put her tea down, moved my drink and held me close while I cried.

"Honey, it's okay. You have a big heart and want to help people. To see something like that must be hard for you to handle."

I calm down a little, "But mum, the thing is it's me. She's me. That girl is who I am, who I've felt like I should be, forever. I need to free her so I can be happy, so I can be myself."

Mum looked at me seriously, "Yes, you've told me you think you should have been a girl before. A few times over the years."

I looked at her a little surprised, I remember telling her a few months ago but not before that.

"Honey, you said things when you were little. You had started preschool, and your sister was just starting to walk around. A few times you asked why you couldn't wear things as pretty as a friend of yours, a girl friend, or why you couldn't wear a pretty princess costume, things like that. After a while, you kind of stopped asking, and just seemed to get on with being a boy. I thought you were just curious and were over it. I guess I was wrong."

I looked at her, stunned, "wow, I had no idea. I couldn't remember any of that."

"What do you remember?"

"Um, I'm not sure. I remember a party when I was really little. I had a nice shirt and pants like Dad wears when he has meetings. I didn't like it though, I felt uncomfortable wearing it. I remember seeing the girls and wishing I was wearing a pretty dress like they were. I remember Emmi had this really cute light blue dress that floated around her waist and down to her knees, not puffy but still not straight. I really liked her dress."

"Yes, I remember that party. You mostly kept to yourself, and you seemed unhappy the whole afternoon. It didn't stop you from having sweets though."

"Well, I was a little kid," I said so that we could laugh together. I giggled, and this time didn't stop myself or adjust my laugh when I realised.

"I wish you'd kept talking to me about this. You must have been in so much pain."

"It's ok mum. I didn't know what it meant. I kept wishing I was a girl but just dealt with what I had."

"Wait, you used to wish you were a girl. For how long?"

"Um, I don't know. As long as I can remember. The last time I can think of was a couple of months ago before I met the Jedi."

"I wish you had told me that before. I never knew you would wish for that."

"I couldn't tell you, mum, if I did my wish wouldn't come true," we both giggled together.

"Oh honey, if only the universe worked that way. Do you want to know something?"

"Yes, what?"

"This is the first time in years I feel like I'm talking to you and not a mask you are wearing. I love hearing your giggle." That got me giggling again, and I hugged Mum.

"I'm sorry I was distant. The only person who could see me was Emmi, and that's because she could feel who I am."

We sat outside for a while longer, just chatting, and relaxing. The sun was starting to set when Mum asked, "So what do you want to do now?"

I thought for a moment, "I don't know what to do now. I never thought I would get to this point, so I never thought about what to do next."

"Right, so what I think we need to do is over dinner tell the rest of the family. I'll do most of the talking but you can add what you need to. I don't think the vision will help your dad and sister understand, I don't really understand either, but I accept that what you saw is real."

"Um, ok mum, if you're sure."

"I'm not done. Tomorrow we're going shopping for an outfit or two for you to try out and see how you feel. Message Emmi and see if she can come with us. I'm sure I can help my daughter find something good to wear but having her best friend can't hurt either. Tomorrow night I expect my daughter to make her daube. Ask if Emmi can join us for dinner, I'll take her home afterwards. Sound good?"

"Um, yeah it sounds good. I'll see if Emmi is free tomorrow."

"Good girl. OK, I'll leave you to it. Once you've found out, wash up for dinner and get your sister to as well. I'll make sure Dad has got dinner ready."

We had a good discussion as a family over dinner. Kriy accepted me quickly, she was excited to see what I'd look like as a girl and said she'd be happy with a big sister. Dad was a little more subdued, but he said that he would always love me and added that he wasn't surprised. He said that I was more like Kriy and his sister than he and his older brother.

I still had the dream where I saw the girl, but this time she was smiling, and the gate looked smaller and less imposing.