The Force Helped Me Find Myself.

Chapter 19

The rest of the school year was kind of boring. We didn't do anything interesting like having guests or going somewhere else. We didn't do another large-scale event like the battle we had at the start of the year. Even our academic classes seemed boring, not easy, just monotonous. I was glad for the end of the year. A couple of things did happen though. The first was that we had a lot of students join us in our top battle class, mostly the final-year students and a few from Eron's year, so we had to split into two groups. When we got a new student, they went through the process of constructing their lightsaber and we all saluted together in a small ceremonial way. We had mostly blue and green lightsabers created, but we did have a couple of yellow lightsabers.

The most interesting thing was that Alox had managed to organise permission and a location for the three of us to train with him. It was very enjoyable. We all learnt from each other while sharing what we knew with Alox. Emmi and Eron learned a lot from me about my lightsaber speciality and about how to improve endurance through training and the force. Alox loved improving his skills with the lightsaber and he got so much faster with his movement, he even learned how to use the force to mask his presence. Emmi was great with force abilities, telekinesis, and communication with animals. Eron taught him more about the attacking skills of lightsaber combat and they did some great work with hand-to-hand combat. Alox, to his credit, ended up working on his style, one with more flair and speed, much more like form 4 of the old forms. He was still raw by the end of the year, but he was improving.

While school was boring, my life apart from school was anything but. I had started to develop physically, quicker than I thought I would. My breasts grew so that by the third long break home, they were a similar size to Emmi's, who was a little smaller than me. I had grown about 15 cm in the second half of the year, which coupled with my breast development and the widening of my hips, had a big impact on my centre of gravity and my ability to move accurately. I had to relearn my body almost monthly. I was worried I'd need to join a different combat class, but the Masters understood and were happy for me to stay where I was. The doctor was happy with how I was growing, and to be fair, I was happy too. It was the rate of change that surprised me and made things difficult.

At the same time, I was changing, and so was Kiry. She had started to develop, like most of her friends at school. We would talk regularly and compare notes about our changes. Close to the end of the year, she had her first period. She told me about how she felt and how Mum had helped her with everything. I was happy for her and supportive of her as she got used to it. The funny thing was part of me was jealous. I didn't think I would ever know what that was like and I wanted to. I knew there were women born and raised as women who never experienced a period, but I was jealous of my sister for being able to experience something so feminine.

The night after she told me I decided to meditate before I went to bed to deal with those feelings. I focused on my inner self, and I found myself in the room that represented my mind. This time it had two comfortable chairs that looked kind of old-fashioned and comfortable, with a small table between them. My inner self was sitting in one of the chairs and waved at me, beaconing me to sit.

"Hello, it's been a while since you were here."

"Yes, it has. I've been busy with school, and I've been working on expanding my senses to help identify people and their location."

"I know. So, what brings you here?"

"Well, shouldn't you know already?"

"Yes, I do," she said taking a sip from a cup of tea that was manifested in the room. I'm not sure why it was there. "I think it will help if you say it though."

"Ok. Kriy got her period this week."

"Well, that's good for her."

"Yeah, it is. The thing is I'm jealous of her, just a little."

"Oh, do you know why?"

"Um, not exactly. Maybe because it's something so feminine that I won't get to experience or what is possible after that event."

"You mean having kids."

"Yes, that's what I mean. I know not all women experience periods or have kids, but it's something that feels like a woman thing that I won't get to have."

She took another sip and looked at me seriously. It was a similar look to one mum has when she needs to. "So do you think that not having a period makes you less of a woman?"

"I don't know, maybe, I guess. I know who I am, I'm a girl and have now started to develop into a woman."

"You're looking great too by the way."

"Thanks. It does feel like I'm just complimenting myself."

"Sometimes we need to do that. Especially when we're feeling down."

"You're right, but I already knew that" we both giggled together. "I guess it's just, that it feels like I was denied something that I should have through some stupid mistake in development."

"So, do you think being transgender is a developmental mistake?"

"Well, maybe a little. I've done a lot of reading and I know it's part of natural human variation. Some people are very manly."

"Like Eron," she interrupted which got more giggles and a blush from me.

"Yes, like Eron and Alox. And others are born more feminine, with people existing anywhere in between. I know that sometimes our brains and our bodies don't match, for a variety of reasons. It's just, that it's not fair that my body and brain developed in different directions before I was born. There are times I just wish I was a more average girl like Emmi."

"Honey, there's nothing about either of you that's average," we both giggled again.

"You know what I mean. A physically typical girl. There are times I feel sad for what I missed out on when I was little, and what I will miss out on in the future."

"That's fair. You know you can do some of those things, even if it's just in here. You can look like a little girl and wear the pretty party dresses you have always wanted to. You can wear pigtails or other cute hairstyles if you want. We can sit around and have tea parties or play with dolls or whatever you want to do."

"I know. And I'm sure Emmi would be happy to join us and show us the ropes. It's just, sometimes I feel bad about some of the things I missed and how my body isn't how I would like it."

"You know that that's normal for people like you. It's one of the things that shows you are different from how people told you to be."

"I know. I'm glad I could talk it out with you. Though it was just me."

"I'm always here. It does help to talk things out with someone else, even if it's just yourself." We both giggled again and hugged as I said goodbye and returned to the real world. It was later than I thought, so I went to sleep and dreamed about having a party with Emmi as little girls.

The final evening of the year was like last year's one. The fair well to the final year students felt a bit different for me as I had gotten to know them better. The lightsaber display was impressive, it was a two-person display that showed off the beauty of lightsaber combat.

After the formalities and dinner, we went to bed.

As I got everything ready to go home the next morning, I made sure Alox had a way to contact us and said we would see if we could catch up in person over the break.