Eyes Wide Open

twelve

After the party, everything seemed to escalate. Dash and I went on more "errands." I found myself driving with Dash to increasingly sketchy neighborhoods, meeting people who made my skin crawl. Every exchange felt like a gamble, a roll of the dice. But Dash always seemed unfazed, and I was attracted to the danger of it all.

I was learning from him, absorbing his confidence, even if it was all built on a foundation of quicksand.

One day, after another deal, Dash drove me home. As we sat in his car about a block away from my house, he leaned in close. "You know, you don't have to do this. You can change your mind. Walk away, literally whenever."

I looked at him, studying his face. "Do you want me to?"

Dash looked away momentarily. "I want you to...do what you want." His eyes returned to mine. "But don't do something just because I am. Because you think I want you to, you know?"

I shook my head. "I want to do this. I'm choosing to. At least this...this is real. It's something I have control over."

Dash watched me for a moment, his expression unreadable. "Just remember, you always have a choice."

Choice, I thought. I had a choice? It didn't feel that way. Walking away wasn't an option; it would mean losing everything I'd built with Dash, everything that made me feel alive.

But then I asked myself, is this really control? Or am I just fooling myself?

***

During lunch a couple of weeks later, I looked over at Dash. "Am I ever going to get to see where you live?"

Dash glanced at me while taking drag off of the cigarette. After exhaling, he said, "You don't want to see where I live."

"Yes I do."

Dash rolled his eyes at me and sighed. "I've seen your house, B. Your family is rich. Mine, on the other hand..." He paused. "Let's just say someone like you wouldn't exactly fit in."

I frowned at Dash. "If I can fit in with you, then I can fit in at your house. Don't be so dramatic."

Dash smirked at me. "Dramatic, huh?"

"That's what I said."

"Okay, fine. Whatever. Come over."

I turned to him with a smile on my face. "Really?"

He laughed at my excitement. "Yeah, I guess. Tomorrow after school?"

"Okay."

Dash dropped the cigarette on the ground and put it out with his shoe. Then, he put his hands on my face, leaning in for a kiss. "You're gonna be disappointed," he told me after we pulled away.

"I haven't been yet."

***

I understood why he didn't want me to see where he lived; Dash lived in a trailer park. Not a nice one, either, though I wasn't sure if there was such a thing as a nice trailer park, considering I had never been to one before.

He looked a little nervous as we pulled up in front of his house.

The siding of the trailer was a dull gray that I supposed had once been white. One of the windows was cracked and currently being held together by duct tape. The yard was small and littered with empty beer cans.

I noticed all of these things, but I pretended I didn't. I instead acted like I just pulled up to a regular house with a regular boy.

I smiled at Dash and said, "Is your dad home, or...?"