Black

Chapter 20

*A/N: If you are struggling with an eating disorder, self harm, or suicidal thoughts, counselors at the services below are ready for your call.

National Eating Disorders Association - 1–800–931–2237

S.A.F.E. Alternatives for Stopping Self Abuse - 1–800-DONT-CUT (366–8288)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - 1–800–273-TALK (8255)

If you know someone who is struggling, please encourage them to use these services. Expressing how much you care can make a huge difference in that person’s life.

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Sach dragged herself downstairs to the kitchen, where Zayn and the breakfast was waiting. She wore her dark wool sweater with no bottoms. Allowing Zayn's eyes to remember her long skinny legs.

She sat down on the chair across him wearing her bright smile. 

Zayn welcomed her with a similar smile as he poured tea in her mug. Sach noticed the omelet Zayn made, and the bowl of cereal at the end of the table. And her nose recognized the smell of the fresh waffles. 

"that looks delicious," She compliment him. "But we are only two, don't you think it's a lot?"

"I thought you'd be hungry." He said. As he placed food on her dish. 

She thanked him as she took a sip of her herbals tea. Sach was hungry. But she didn't eat. Instead, her fork played with untasted food as she and Zayn chatted. 

"You didn't like the waffles?" Zayn asked as he reached for the syrup. "Here," He gave her the bottle. 

She faked a smile and poured more calories in. Food has been always her weak spot. Her biggest insecurity. Her worst battle.

"I'm not that hungry." She lied.

"Just try those, I made them specially for you. I don't even like them." Zayn insisted.

Sach hid behind her shrug and took a bite. And she could almost taste the calories and self-hatred in the waffles. Instantly remembering the rolls of fat on her stomach and her uneven breasts and stretch marks that covered her body. She was obsessed and sick. 

She smiled to Zayn. Trying to think of an excuse to not eat. 

"It's really good Zayn, I loved it. but I am so sorry my stomach hurts and I am not hungry." 

Zayn found that suspicious. "Are you sure?" 

Sach nodded. "Period I guess," 

Zayn ate his food in quiet as Sach watched him. Wishing she could eat normally like the rest of the human race and not gain a pound. It was difficult, growing up as a fat child and being a subject of mockery and a target of bullies. Which made her shy and insecure and she always wished her self-confidence was as high as her weight number.

"would I be able to tell you a secret?" She said unsure.

"You can tell me anything." He said.

"I-I have an eating disorder." Sach mumbled timidly. 

Zayn dropped his fork. His gaze turning to Sach's ashamed expression.

"You didn't eat because you have an eating disorder?" he asked worried.

Sach nodded slowly.

"You should eat, Sach. This is not healthy for you." He reached for her hand across the table. "Plus, you look perfectly fine to me." He smiled sweetly.

Her hand slipped from underneath his. She Hid it between her very small thighs. She shrugged before she said, "You don't understand." She turned her head away from Zayn's direction staring away at the window. It was hard for her to speak in such a personal sensitive subject. She never talks about it out loud. And no soul knows about her starving problems and her bulimia other than Lauren and now Zayn Malik.

"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it." She heard a low voice saying.

"No, no" Her fingers quickly wiped the little tear in her eye before it falls. "I want to tell you. that's why I mention it." 

"I am listening." 

Sach shifted in her seat. Covering her cold hands with her sweater. She was always cold. "I don't eat every day." She confessed. "Food makes me feel worst about myself. It makes me feel weak and starving makes me feel like I'm in control, because I know if I ate anything I'll end up eating everything. So I eat nothing." Her voice cracked. 

Zayn's thumb played with her hand as she talked. constantly reminding her that he is here.

"I am so sorry I wish I can make you stop." 

"I cannot stop."

"You can. You don't want to stop."

Sach shrugged. "If I can't be the pretty one I want to the skinniest."

"You're absolutely beautiful and glamorous. Just because someone said you aren't doesn't mean you're not. And just because someone called you fat doesn't mean you are." 

"And just because someone acts like he cares doesn't mean he does." She said and immediately regretted it.

"How can I prove you I care? How can I help?" Zayn said with a hint of rage in his smoky voice.

Sach turned away. She couldn't even help herself, let alone ask for help from others. 

"I am aware that 'just eat' won't help with anything. Neither will shoving food down your throat. Because I know the problem isn’t down your stomach, it's up in your head." Zayn mumbled in a caring way, forcing Sach to believe his good intention.

"It's an addiction." Her voice was low. "I try to get healthy, I really try. But every time I eat it makes me feel sick and disgusting and I just want to puke it before it turns into layers of fat." She looked down ashamed of herself. "and it feels like you just want to look like skeleton on a Halloween night.

Because for me, it always feels like Halloween night. And I feel like I want to scare people away with my anxious body the same way they faded away when I was an obese." She sobbed, covering her face with her palms. Zayn stayed calm.

"I hate the fact that I cannot stop. It turned from skipping meals into a disease or a killer crawled inside me and slowly killing and destroying everything alive and fresh inside. And it feels like your dying but no one notices because they'd always compliments you like 'Wow! You lost so much weight! What did you do?' and I wish I could just say 'oh! I'm on a strict diet! I only drink water just to stay alive!' without being judged." 

Zayn swallowed hard. Thinking of something to say to make Sach feel better. Instead, he got up and kneeled in front of her, taking her shaking hands in his. Her eye were sad and puffy. She hated crying in front of people but she couldn't stop herself or hide it away. If he was gonna stay for the week he should know. 

"Listen to me," Zayn started. "We all have our problems and we react differently from each other and that does not make any of us weak." His large hand brushed her wet cheek. Whipping her tears softly. "I want to help you get through this." 

"How?" she asked, dying for an answer.

"I am not sure, yet. But we can and we will make it through. I will get you better I promise you. I know you're a fighter." He smiled up to her.

"How do you know I'm a fighter? You must know loads of things about me." she asked with a smile and a giggle.

"I knew you're a fighter when you asked for help instead of letting it kill you silently." 

Sach responded in a small grin. Sniffing the tears in. 

"oh, Come heeeeeeeere." Zayn stood up straight, pulling Sach with him. He warped his arms around her waist as Sach hugged his torso, diving her face into the now familiar scent –which was mostly her soap and shampoo and cigarettes.- "I'm gonna get you better, I promise." He said as he kissed the top of her hair while he was rubbing her back. "I promise."