These Triplets Aren't Mine

Chapter 26

Nagpapaawa

Munting mga anghel sa langit?

Hindi ako naniniwala sa anghel.

Ayoko ng mga anghel. Hindi ko kailangan ng mga anghel na hindi ko makikita, hindi ko mahahawakan, at hindi ko mabibigyan ng pagmamahal. I'm not wishing for anything grand nor sacred.

I just want my triplets back.

Pero kahit anong iyak pa ang gawin ko sa langit, hindi na sila babalik.

If I would take my own life, would God let me enter the gates of heaven just for me to see my angels? Probably not. So, I need to wait until it's time for me to go.

Naghihintay na lang ako kasi hindi ko na kaya ang lungkot.

Alam kong hindi solusyon ang pagpapakamatay, pero minsan, nahahanap natin ang kapayapaan sa kamatayan.

And only then my soul will be healed.

Mabilis kong pinalis ang mga luhang nagsisimula na namang mamuo sa mga mata ko. Buong akala ko, ubos na lahat ng mga luha na pwede kong i-iyak, pero hangga't nandito pa rin 'yung sakit na nararamdaman ko, hindi rin pala mauubos ang mga luha.

Napangiti ako nang mapait sa sarili ko. Para akong tangang nasasaktan sa lahat ng narinig ko mula kina Eunice, pero wala naman akong ginawa para itama lahat ng mga hindi magagandang bagay na sinabi nila tungkol sa'kin.

I just waited for them to leave the restroom. I waited like an idiot, crying inside the cubicle while suppresing myself from making any noise na para bang ako pa 'yung dapat mahiya at magtago kahit wala naman akong ginawang masama.

Paano nila nagagawang pagtawanan ang buhay ng ibang tao? Would they still laugh once they learned that I lost my babies due to miscarriaged?

I wanted to tell them that I didn't abort my triplets. I wanted to tell them that I tried to be a good mother, that I want to be a mother and I wasn't ashamed of it.

Pero para saan pa? Wala na ang mga anak ko.

I spent my mornings every day asking God why He saved me and not my children instead? I find neither happiness nor purpose in my life anymore. It's like I wake up each day just for the sake of merely existing.

I missed my triplets.

I'm sure their father would have showered them with so much love and attention. Kahit ako na lang sana ang wala rito. Hindi naman sila mapapabayaan at lalaki silang maayos at mababait na mga bata.

Kung pwede ko lang ipalit ang buhay ko sa buhay nila ay matagal ko nang ginawa.

Tahimik akong lumabas ng cubicle, tulala sa harapan ng salamin habang naghuhugas ng mga kamay. My eyes are so swollen that I can't even fully open them. Mabuti na lang ay heavy drama ang last scene na ginawa ko kaya hindi na sila magtataka kung makikita man nilang namamaga ang mga mata.

"I want to see my triplets."

"Then you should stop crying."

I turned my gaze to the direction where the voice came from. Although my vision's blurry because of tears forming in my eyes, I still can recognize him.

"S-Sixto?"

"Pinapatahan kita, hindi pinapaiyak, Erasmin." Lahat ng hikbi na naipon sa lalamunan ko ay kusang lumabas nang marinig kong muli ang boses niya. I don't even care how terrible I look right now in front of him. Gusto ko lang siyang makita.

He then closed the distance between him and I as he grabbed me by the waist and hold me in his arms so tight. I never knew there would be a time where I would be this happy to see him.