Complexity is the Majestic - Book 2

Desperate

I did a search on how to forget someone today.

I need to forget them, they need to forget me. Or am I simply over dramatic? Amazing what 4hrs in a drunken blackout can do and its all happening in your life that doesn't exist.

Vegas, what happens in vegas stays in vegas, but you get to carry the scars.

I did a stupid thing.

I got royally wasted, made an ass outa myself, and pissed off Vera. Luckily the club, Joe, protected me, they got me sober, and got me home. I felt terrible the next day like I had lost everything, losing Vera. Losing this person that knew me. Losing a friend, a good one. I apologized, and she took me back.

"You don't get off that easy.... but that Parker, didn't like him..." she said to me on a call. In pieces I picked myself up. My affinity for the cocktail significantly faded.

I'm an emotional jellyfish, when and why am i so weak. I need recalibration. I need to say, its ok, you fucked up, you apologized, you can be you again. Holding on to these emotions suck. They suck the life outa me. I need to put more in motion, I need to get words on more, audio too, I need to keep the soul empty, pure, and ready for what comes tomorrow. I need to rebuild what I've lost. I need to close the door on things that aren't me. My word therapy, is it working? Can I feel the page? Is it turning?

We're all a conduit you see- we're a pass thru. When you bottle it up, sort and categorize your grief, your angst, your anxiety, your disfunction, delusion, distrust, compromised state of total denial- when you add that all up and never let it go, you become a living bomb. You're not meant to hold those feelings. We're not built for that. They must pass.. thru.

What did I do before this?

How did I cope then? Why is coping harder now? Why don't I get a hall pass? Why don't I get forgiven? I keep myself in a state of remorse, to feel it, to retain it, I need happiness again. What is happy tho?

234 words, already I can feel the effect. Sketching and jotting my words in a journal entry. I want to rebuild. I want to hit the history eraser button. I don't know where I'm going or who'll be, but I'll be here. Stop and save, pay it down, these are thoughts I have.

I'd like to think i'd get a pass, like I was due, but thats insulting i'm sure to the fates in play. Breaking the bad habit, its here, lets break it. I am lucky i don't kids, lucky they don't see this failed side of me. So what's next? Rebuild. Detox. Refresh. Cope.

I hate that word cope. How do you cope?

Why does she shut me out? Ally shuts me out, escaping me, escaping us. I return the favor and shut her out, escaping from her, from us, and another day passes. Each day working from home on my own thing with a partner who tells me daily its all too much too insane, when i see little. My partner keeps himself in a state of disbelief, a state of crushing awe, while I do the opposite. I run from the business, doing little, chasing some magical whim on the other side of the table.

Strangely karma keeps it all in the balance. But what is up to lately? Where is karma taking me today? To the pool of self reflection, doesn't it know I over-analyze for a living?

Karma sends me neutral vibes, nor good nor bad.

Vera has a sunday funday, carry on, carry on. I'm envious of her cleansing ability. To wash away whatever does not matter. All the more definition of the regular I am. And this chapter ends. Cash was the only thing we truly shared, some exchange of cash for hey. I fell for the fantasy, don't judge me, don't hate me, ok, but you never said don't forget me- perhaps thats next.

Maybe forget is too powerful of a word. Lets just make it less remembered. I used to care about them, but now i don't which is a lie, I still care. But I'm ordinary. Far from the possible and on to the memorable.

What do I want? A pass, some acceptance of sorry, but it doesn't matter. I gotta kick this habit. It started fun, went obsessive, ended urgently. Or is it a lesson- is Vera here to teach me something?

Lets get back to where we were, where i am now, the new sense of being.

I'm not fallen, i'm not terrible. I'm good, I'm clean, I'm honest. I'm thinny keen on the reality I weave. With every new day comes another chance to reset the clock and find yourself within. So lets do that Parker, lets find yourself within.

Each page of the journal says today you start new, you are you and you can be fantastic, but only after you cleanse yourself, fix yourself.

I need to focus, plough through the action items and get things on track. I need to walk and move and find a new obsession, don't kid yourself Parker you're an obsessive little beast, your obsessions make you, you. Don't change your nature, recognize it, face it, reflect upon it and carry on.

Cycle of down is progress. I feel best lifting off the floor. Soon I'll be up again, working toward those wins and I'll need a better way to deal with the pressure of it all. A better sense of next.

So lets shake it off and start a new, get your shit together, the business lives or dies by you degree of care and lately you haven't cared for anyone or anything. Get yourself up and out the door, you got shit to do, worlds to conquer and apparently 150 words left to write.

Look you fucked up, i get it, and? Well? Is that it? Can't you just admit you're not perfect, no one is, even Vera and all the supposed pillars of awesome you stack with her. Even Ally, not perfect but you love her. You need to get yourself out of the funk and get started. All this self reflection pity is exhausting and you got real shit to do for clients who asked, who paid you, and you will not fail them.

So buck up nancy, you got shit to do and finishing this word therapy is the first of many steps this week. Second, you break the bond the club has over you, it will suck, but you will break it. Third, you will apologize again and then forget it, possibly forget them if they don't accept it. You can't carry a cross thats not yours to carry.