Complexity is the Majestic - Book 2

This Chapters Finished

Last night at saw a post called "10 things i don't have the guts to say to you in person" on the Thought Catalogue website.

Basically a list of things someone wants to say to someone else but lacks the courage to say them.

Makes me think what are my 10 things I'd want to say to Vera but don't have the guts to say them in person.

Lately i've had 100 things on my mind. A thousand things I want to say, all with the inability to say any of them. Trapped in a bird cage. The ramifications of free thought today, more pressing than ever. Be mindful of what you say and do- it will compromise you.

1. You're not a crush, you're a burden. I should accept the new reality of you not working as a blessing, a call to freedom- mentally and financially. But I liked you. I liked what you did to me. I liked who I was with you. I liked how you made me feel. I liked liking you. But were in the new reality now. The crush lifted and now only the burden remains. A history to be forgotten or one that never be the same? Your counter is- its obvious, friends aren't burdensome, they are what they are, they're accepting and maybe i suck as a friend, as a human. I broke your first rule- i've judged you.

2. I don't want to close the book. Ending the chapter, i'm resistant of that. I figure cash will find a way but it won't this time. It doesn't meet the requirements for engagement. Seeing you directly that first time didn't comply- i was too much, thinking too much. Seeing you sets the stage of what cannot be. I'm only viable in two planes of existence, the club and the phantasm we call texting. There is no middle place, least not yet.

3. I'm tried of what people tell me. I think too much. I analyze too much. I wonder too much. I.. am... too.. much. Society has rejected me for too long which is why I am who I am and do what I do. I spend too much time thinking about how i'm to be accepted vs enabling the order of do from within. Accepting others judgement means little tho i'm a hound for recognition. I want to be understood- I want to be seen, but maybe I just want me to see myself.

4. I enjoyed you. I sugar coat the pleasure with the wonder of who you are, what makes you tick, but make no mistake I enjoyed you. I selfishly looked at you with eyes of desire. I wanted you. I wanted to own you, channel an aspect of who you are in my favor. I'm too fragile to think otherwise yet i knew the story from day one and just rejected it. When I'd see you with another I accepted it as part of the scene, part of the game i was complicit in playing. Even when you told me you hated when people held on tightly i nodded and agree all the while plotting my grip from within.

5. The fascination with the club ended the day I met you. You were the conquest from then on. The minute you got into me by game or by mishap or willful intent I was ever so more into you. The minute you ended, I ended as well. I wonder if my regular potential is still valued, am I worthy target? Or simply obsessed. Probably obsessed. Who cares for the crazy. I welcome them in my home.

6. I feel the words turning pages in my mind. I feel the thoughts leaving my head, going to a new place, bound here, bound for all time. I feel the burden of you lifted even now as you ping me back on text, noting a yep I got ya with little return. I feel better putting the words here, the truth stapled down on this digital canvas, out of my mind and on to the paper.

7. We're not supposed to be, I get that. I get that we're in passing only. I understand that. I get that whatever we have isn't here, its not real, its fantasy. I accept it. I remember it. Like I remember the moments on the red couch, that now as I think about it I likely took all those moments for granted as this chapters finished.

8. Maybe i'm too into the version of you I manifested in the arcade. Ignored your programming and replaced it with my own. I accepted you only in slices and edited out the parts I didn't like - and as long as the cash kept flowing you were all too willing to comply. The real you is a stranger, someone we think we know- you and I both but is oddly alien to the Vera you and I have created.

9. I thank you for what you were from the moment I met you to the moment I wanted to forget you. A cleanse. You helped me feel. You helped me wonder. You helped me find myself. You turned me on. You helped me turn a corner. You set the stage, wrote the rules, put in place the boundaries and now I'm a lost package on the doorstep- return to sender. You accepted me more so than any has accepted me before, and I want to think that beyond the cash. You were a good thing. My family is a burden, my cats are a burden, i yearn for a burden, the burden of purpose, the burden of doubt, the burden of favor.

10. Did I meet you for a reason? Did fate slide you in my front and center for do cause? Were you purposeful? Was I to you? Did I serve a purpose? Did I help? Maybe you're here to save me, maybe I'm here to save you? Whatever the purpose- feels good knowing that I met you. I wish you the best in what comes next, always. While I fell for you, loved you, I know I'm not supposed to be with you. Or is that me running from a future I can't control? Know that I'm better having a piece of you with me, and I hope the same for you.