Complexity is the Majestic - Book 2

In the Reverse

Morning after the exchange I woke with images in my head of the night before. The crazy reverse cowgirl like position, burned into my head, much like auditory aspect of the squeak.

Vera, she's crazy fun.

Waking up I wonder, just how much of my waking daily life am I thinking about women, sex, connection, wanting. My habits haven't been fading they've been accelerating. Becoming all consuming in some aspects.

Cam sites, they've replaced the causal trips to the online porn store. I actually kinda forget what good porn is like. Cam sites give you snippets into the world of women, you'll never meet, likely never know.

...

Shower 1 of the day. Let's set a personal goal, and enjoy 3 showers today- I need a hot sauna or something.

The hot water across my face and back and I start to lose time and think about that night again. We talked alot. I talked more about Ally more than I ever did before. About kids, not having kids, and then the classic dialogue from Vera on how much she's had in life, how many men, and how many times they've gone down on her. She's as open as book on this kind of stuff. Part of the badge of honor in not being anyone's significant. She prides herself on that, that level of independence, keeps her strong, makes her strong, makes her powerful. She admits she'll be someones significant other again some day.

I read online about a stripper who felt she had the most powerful connections with men she met at clubs who became something more than a regular. This space wanting to know them and sleeping with them.

This middle area is representative of some of her best and strongest relationships with men.

Not crossing the line. I feel that notion here with Vera. We're in the middle- in that zone of not gonna happen, never will be, and yet you're after it.

Fragments of our conversation start pushing thru to my mental wrangle gate- the matrix in my head that analyzes things to death.

a memory opens

"There's that guy, in front of us. He's awkward with me." Vera says standing behind me, as if I'm a shield.

I'm lost in the confusion and debating to actually buy something form the snack machine standing next to us. First row chips, second row candy.. third row.. the Peanut M&Ms, the signature candy of you've made it. Last time I had Peanut M&M's I was royally trashed in the old club, making an obscene ass of myself.

Wait- what, awkward? What does "awkward mean?" I forgot to ask her, this memory- parked for further analysis. What's it mean to have a guy be awkward on you in the club. I can't ask her online, it'd be too strange, gotta wait till next time to figure out the awkward man. I can guess what awkward would be- asking her to do something she didn't want to do? But she usually ends that quickly. Maybe its in how they act?

As a stripper I'd think they see the vast "usual" norm of weird fucking men. Strange. A bit like me.

"You're so normal, so comfortable.. I like that... compared to the norm..." Vera said to me once, long long ago.

I'm normal, compared to the norm.

the memory closes...

Shower nearly ending, any thing else in the "other" bin of memories? A kiss. A kiss on the cheek. Out of place, out of memory, but found.

I remember it now. At the end of our VIP. Sitting up, time to go. At quick peck on my cheek, outa pace, without warrant or ask, a connection validation. Its the kinda kiss ya get that reminds you you're just friends. The confirmation that we're forever in the middle. Not happening, not ever. How about that.

A few strangler bits linger on. Her room mate catching her reading the book she got me. Her telling me she spent an hr in a store finding that 8 Ball.

Her noting the time is significant to her, its part of her dialogue in addressing me.

Toweling off I look forward to another shower, soon.

Ally gets home, I can hear the garage door opening. Everything I promised to do while she was gone- I didn't do.

After about 2hrs of fumbling thru my words and terrible excuses I find Ally in the kitchen crying. She's upset that I failed to do any one thing for her. I feel the guilt grow stronger. That 2nd shower calls me, I wish to be erased under the hot water.

No glimmer of the reverse can save me on this.

Ally and I have another fight. This one, a big one. It hurts. I hurt her. With everything I do, my escape, my complexity, my majestic scaring the very bonds of our relationship.

I've fucked myself and my marriage.

I break down, reveal the cards I can reveal- the lack of intimacy is what is hurting me. We're close but were not. I want to be closer. I want to have this connection better- she admits the distance between us, and there's no easy way to address it. Its called marriage I guess- I don't know. Test, tested. My majestic fluxes in the room desperate to reveal all its secrets, shattering me on the floor below.

4hr later, we've talked it out, we're better. We watch a movie together. I get high with her, she wants me high. I decide if thats how she wants me, maybe I should be that for her, just like I want Vera in the VIP and only cash can make that happen.

I'm running away from everything. I'm just fucking myself.

2nd shower... lets do this.