Complexity is the Majestic - Book 2

Sweet Release

Chelsea Faith Dolan, better known by her stage name Cherushii (September 14, 1983 – December 2, 2016), was an American electronic music producer, DJ, live performer, and radio host based in San Francisco. She received little recognition from mainstream media, yet her music is of enormous influence in the underground music scene. Fellow electronic musician has called Cherushii "criminally underrated".

Chelsea was one of 36 victims of a fire that broke out at an underground venue and artist collective in Oakland, California commonly referred to as the Ghost Ship warehouse on December 2, 2016.

I never met Chelsea. When the GhostShip fire happened I felt moved and filled with remorse over the loss of so many underground electronic musicians. I combed through all the songs these victims created. I was moved by Cherushii's music and story the most. I felt the compound loss of her friends and family dealing with this horrific tragedy. I'm not sure why I resonated with this tragedy as much as I did. My emotional compass can get deep- things I used to see as a fault, later realizing this power to feel is the wellspring of much of my own personal innovation and what I bring to my clients.

I still feel the energy and hope of what's next thru Chelsea's recordings. Keep that flame alive, her memory, her music lives on, keeping her alive in our hearts.

Music is a cornerstone of my being. I trace my sanity, my depression meter to a simple question- am I listening to anything I really love at the moment? If the answer is no, i'm usually depressed. If the answer is yes- look out world!

Being inspired is an amazing thing. You're in the moment. You feel it. Stand in that aspect of grace, the patterns connected, the stars aligned, you are past and present, all and nothing, with everyone and alone, all in one instant.

I commit to a positive direction in all my relationships- Ally, Vera, myself.

I have more spring in my step. I'm more content with where I am, where I'm headed. I decided to stop worrying- things will work out. I want as many memories of now to fuel and be my totems to where I go. I don't want to feel remorse. I want to feel alive.

I accept the issues I spin, see, create.

I keep thinking theres a thread of balance I must seek to make myself happen. Thats me thinking more than I'd like to again.

When you pursue too much fantasy, the fantasy starts to pursue you.

Back at the club.

"What is it.. this connection we have?" I say as we enter the VIP, getting comfortable. Have we gone beyond the cash? Beyond the lust filled fantasy?

I get on the couch, she straddles me, the familiar pose. I feel more clear, eager to rip a bandaid off here, like I did with Ally the other night. I risk losing them both with questions, my unsettled state. Yet they both risk losing me if I don't confront my feelings, sorting what I can.

"We're more than friends..." she says tall over me, peering into me, coming down to meet me face to face.

"You're the first person I want to talk to when sometime good happens to me.. when i'm really down, when i'm chilling- I want to talk to you..." Vera opens up to me more than ever. She's recalling the other night where we just texted for a few hrs, a seemingly random set of texts which actually were about shows we liked on Netflix, and bits of random stuff. But its those moments of random stuff that make her more to me, and I her.

I get a bit emotional for a second, breaking character, shedding the confident fun Parker exterior.

"How do you accept me? Aren't I just as bad as everyone else- in here, cheating on my wife?" I barely say without shedding a tear. Part of me knows the depth of Vera, her true complexity, her fierce loyalty to her friends, family, loved ones. I can't help but think she takes pity on me, accepts me in this flawed state per the transactional aspect of being a stripper. Use me.

"No." she says adamantly, cutting me off. "No, i don't see that... I know you, you're more.." her eyes glow with conviction. In this one VIP I collect a years worth of wondering, I solve months of self induced debate and torture. She accepts me and isn't about to let me go. Its not unrequited love, its a kind of love- one that mirrors the majestic.

A huge weight is lifted from me. The flame ignites and a new torch is placed inside me.

The following moments you're in it, I'm in it. I'm lifted, inspired. She lifts me up. Sure its complicated but she lifts me up.

"I'm a better person for knowing you... I want you to know that.." I say back to her, meaning every word. Vera has taught me a ton about myself, about what I want, about how I want to feel, about how good I am, about how good I can make others feel. Ally gave this to me as well but Vera unlocks me differently and I exclude any notion otherwise that i'm being played. If I am, its the best medicine i've ever received.

The VIP extends into our stupid fun, feeling close, feeling connected, we resonate.

We play a variation on the Alphabet dance, going thru letter to letter coming up with sexy ways to say the word all durning the grind.

"Revolution...revive...refine..." I say.

"Damn you're good at the R's..." she replies changing up the grind.

We're comfortable.

I tell her about the squeak, the high pitched noise she made the other day in VIP, during that super intense session. She laughs and forgets what it was, or what it could of been.

"That was me.. coming I bet..." she says smirking. Eyes lush, looking around the room as if to make sure no one else could see.

Its not the first time she's come in the VIP with me. I remember the first time months ago, I recall the moment in my head like holy crap that was intense and her closeness then, the call afterwards, the lines we spoke...

"I had a really good time.." I said from the seat of car sitting in my driveway.

"Apparently I did too... " she said on the phone, eager to connect with me after the club closed.

Her confirmation, suggesting, confirming the heat, the wetness, the breathed exchange of connection I didn't think was possible, yet Vera is possible in ways I'd never imagine before. Possible with me, in ways I never thought was possible.

The squeak- that was her coming as well. I knew it was. I didn't care if it was fake, though so much Vera is anything but fake to me. She's often the most realistic, true person i've ever met.

I need to remind myself this moment, where the confirmation that i'm something to this girl is a good thing. Sure its complicated and it doesn't change my reality with Ally but it does give me hope that I can continue to be something other than a depressing debate of the inner self.