Complexity is the Majestic - Book 2

Ally

Troubling.

Another night at home after a long day. The business is on the ropes a bit. Its getting larger than I can wrangle at times. I've stopped worrying about things out of my control and instead focused on all the good things that can happen.

Bad things happen. Stuff breaks. How I deal with it- thats the art.

Another night at home with the separation. The separation is basically Ally and I in our various corners of the house, together but not, doing our thing. Some of my married friends would likely see this as a good thing.

Don't crowd your lady...

I get that, but you want to get down eventually ya? I mean you're married, you're supposed to have a connection- i've lost mine with Ally. Its fatigued, struggling and I'm not helping.

Lindsey the camgirl with a fiery tongue yells at me in chat.

"You need to talk to her, you guys are fucked up.. is she even into you any more?" chat message glows in a small box. I don't even bother looking at Lindsey's camera that much any more. I just seek that slap in the face from her on whats up with my marriage.

Actually I have talked to Ally- least we did the other night. It went bad like many talks before it. I ripped the bandaid off- expressing the separation, the need for connection, intimacy, and more. I got blasted with why the intimacy can't happen- which isn't me or her, its the house, its not feeling like we've accomplished anything as couple in today's society, our stacks of laundry and unfinished hall bathroom are responsible for the lack of sex drive, the lack of a snugglin hello or intimacy gesture. All of this is blocking her, blocking us.

Ally needs a sanctuary. Hearing this I think of all the shows i've ever watched where couples fuck on pianos, staircases, kitchen floors or behind dumpsters in back alleyways. I think of the deflection coming at me- is the house really it? The house is a metaphor for what's really blocking us- a clear sense of connection?

You can't just provide any more you need to support, and drive the puck even when you're exhausted. I find over and over again that Ally mirrors me. When i'm down she gets down, when I'm happy she's happy, when i'm motivated (at least at home) she is too. It feels like additional responsibility. Like I want her to be independently in love with me. Like find what you love, live it, and live and love it with me.

The bedroom issues have always been the same really, maybe i suck in that department. But i feel deep down i'm a romantic kinda guy, a good laugh, good fun, just want to please, let me please. Our disconnect there broke down in the early days of our relationship debating on kids. I was indifferent on kids at first. I worried alot about Ally's medical condition. I didn't want complications and when we had a real scare with Ally on her health, I pulled everything back on the kids front. Last thing I wanted to do was pressure her. I put our health first, our happiness first. From there we eased into this dark corner of fewer and fewer connections as a result. Then she got the news she likely couldn't have kids any more and it was the end and she took a big emotional hit.

We're soul mates I know that. She reads me better than most I think. She gets my jokes, my little quirks, she makes me feel accepted 100% in everything i do. I don't have to hide my true self- i can't explain how amazing that is, yet I feel like I've failed her.

Fighting is never a good feeling, being conflicted on top of it is difficult as well.

I see Ally happy all the time with her friends and coworkers- I could easily see her be that gal having a blast on piano, she has the fire, that spirit, that frisk- just not with me. Am I tainted? Do I represent a loss, a wound, a memory that goes too deep?

I think of surface level fucking often- like sometimes we just need a wee bit of happiness with no real connection, reasoning or desperate aspect of why. Like eating a baberuth in the parking lot before a meeting- telling your colleagues, car troubles be right there. Simple satisfaction- aren't we all entitled to it? Do I dramatize the disconnect so much that I effectively drive her away?

I actually don't talk about it any more because it just pushes her further away. I got mad with all the requirements she gave me the other day to hook up- mostly that we had to be high, escape. Weed is her escape, she loves it. I enable it, I try not to judge it and its a factor in our division. I long for a connection with her, someone just cause. I hate we need something other than ourselves to connect.

I'm a hypocrite.

Vera requires cash in most aspects for connection, least physical. Mental as well I'd figure- hearing Lindsey in my head with her jab...

"When the cash ends.. so does Vera..." she says. I can't help but to consider that a true reality regardless of how much I want to say thats not true. One of the flaws with starting a relationship in a strip club.

With Ally its weed and set of conditions to accept me. With Vera its cash. The growing pity party I throw for myself is sickening- I need to get back to work.

Life is a set of variables of which most you will not be able to control. The test isn't what you control its what you manage, manifest out of thin air and deal with to stay true to you who are and those around you.

Am I compromised, damn right.