Complexity is the Majestic - Book 2

Cautiously Optimistic

"You're wasting you gifts..." the ghost of my father lectures me in an empty Panera.

Two years ago today he passed away.

I imagine I see him from time to time. I channel myself talking thru him, back at me, course correcting me. A mixture of wisdom from him and myself, my mother, all in the mix.

"Dude we have to work on collections..." my partner tells me, going over numbers on the laptop.

"I know.." I say back wondering where the ghost of my father has gone now.

The business will consume all of me at the start of the year. How I cope with that I don't know. I know I have to ween myself off my dependence of Vera. I have stop escaping with Lisa into the subways of NYC. I need something in the middle, get my release, fuck my intimacy, and go.

Its like I want to cut my self, maybe that will work. I actually do cut myself, i'm a sadistic flosser- I figure its the same as some kind of self torture.

I tend to block the worries of the business outa my head. Worrying doesn't change anything. Instead, I'll use music, ill fuck Ally as often as I can, accepting whatever stance for engagement, I'll love her, give her whatever she wants, I'll recover. I can recover.

A have new religion. For as much as Vera ignites me, she isn't real.

At the xmas dinner the other night I imagined her by my side, I imagined the stares at this girl half my age, my siblings judging her, my mother in tears over the loss of Ally, the unacceptance of it- it just wouldn't work- its not reality. THIS ISN'T REALITY

Fucking Majestic, fucking with me.

My own self manifested drama engine. I need to stop. I gotta dig myself outa debt. Stop smoking the crack I love smoking.

Driving home from Ally's folks as darkness falls I shed a tear in the car. Fuck you reality I think to myself watching a wonderful dark sunset fall. Fuck this, I manifest next, not you.

Life's a cruel mistress.

Whatever reason Vera's in my life, its not what it seems. This course needs to come to an end. I need to write my character out of Season 4 of VERA. She will carry on. I need to pass on. Friends don't compromise you- I've been compromised since day one with her. Its the transaction. I keep failing to see the truth of it. I wish I knew her but didn't. I wish the circumstances were different, they aren't. She's not to blame, I'm stupid, really fucking stupid.

I am wasting my gifts. I should be stronger. I need to be better. I need to remind the majestic that I CREATED IT in the first place. All the wonder I see- I attracted. All the misery I feel- I attracted it. All the drama I encase myself in- I manifested it.

The problem is me.

The icing on the cake- visiting with Ally's folks, her nieces. Stacy is working at Target, has no boyfriend, she's a millennial and I always ask young people what technology they are using, its part of my job to know what the youth today are into.

"What's in Stacy?" I say petting Joey, Ally's sisters cat on my lap. By now everyone in the family knows that Parker is the interviewer. I ask everyone what tech they use, what they don't, what opportunities they see, etc.

"Ugh, everything, Snapchat is hot.. " she says, combing her hair.

Stacy has been going to school, working hard, doing that every kid does I guess. Getting by.

"Tinder not working out?" I ask the forward question, maybe that was outa place, am I attempting to flirt with my niece, wtf is wrong with me.

Her mother laughs and perks up- she too just recently found a new man in her life and she's always been after Stacy to find someone. Don't be lonely.

"No... after a few texts every guy wants the same thing..." She says disappointedly.

Ally smirks at me in the chair across from me as Joey leaves my lap for hers.

"What?" I say oblivious to my own notions of what I think the answer is.

"Sex... they just want sex..." she notes in an angry tone, like she's given up on the male species.

"Wait.. so guys are asking for that just after a few texts?" I say surprisingly. I'm not on Tinder or any dating network, but is that where courting is at today? Are we just saying hi to people we just met and then quickly go to the- ya wanna fuck?

It makes the strip the club even more dinosaur like, maybe thats what I'm missing. To me the club is a fantasy escape- to others its a relic of times past, maybe thats why its not a big deal to Vera, the fragmenting I think she gets there is nothing. Hell on Tinder everyone is fucking everyone and not caring.

I missed these years, hell a whole generation of free love. Nothings really ever been free for me it feels like.

"Ok well that sucks... " I reply. "What else is going on...?" I prod.

"Well I graduate in April and then my birthday..." Stacy says jumping up and going for cake in the kitchen. Graduation- thats a big accomplishment. I never even went to college- good for her.

Birthday? I space...

"Wait how old?" I say as she passes by me.

"28!" she says as she slides into the kitchen on her socks just missing Joey as he curls around a table leg.

Fuck me. 28? Oh my god. I picture that scene in Terminator when the Terminator gets crushed in the steel press- ya know that sound... RAOOOOOORRROOO, and the lightning shoots out its cold metal fucking body as its skull gets crushed and our hero blurts out...You're terminated fucker.

28. Fuck me. I'm terminated...

Vera is 27.

Vera and Stacy are basically the same age.

Someone put me in that steel press and crush me right now. I'm more horrific than I realize. The never, the nothing happened, nothing will ever happen becomes more true to me in that moment than anything I've wondered about. I suddenly feel old, dirty and ashamed.

a memory opens

We're waiting for a VIP to open up, sitting in the back VIP lounge, giddy for what will be lost in our infatuations. I am at least. Blocking out- the transaction.

"When I'm 30, you'll be in your 50's... thats not so bad.. and when I'm 40, you'll be in your 60's.." she says sitting next to me, nearly naked sipping on a beer.

"Age doesn't mean anything.." she smiles.

the memory closes

Yeah, its meaningless.. crap, fuck me, you're terminated fucker. That's all I can think about.

Xmas is over. Back to the new reality? Maybe. I need to be cautiously optimistic to what the future may hold. New Year is almost here- but before that- another club adventure.